[dogtanian]

today i've been crying at everything and nothing dunno why i thik it's just stress and general disillusionment - pah but anyway i si'd tonight for first time in months- o weeks i forget, either way a while - a good 2 months or so. but hey, not any longer. f**k it, i'm beyond caring now - tonight i've cried too much , i've realised my heroes are past it (and these guys have been heros for 20 years except the one that hung himself 25 yrs ago, he had the rifght idea) and i'm stressed as hell cos i'm meant to give a presentation tomorrow and this guy topped himsefl 25 yrs ago this week and it's all being mentined in all the press and it's making me regret that i didn't do the same - i'm 28 and i'm too old, i should have been dead at bitrh and if not then not long after - ah fu*k it uit's just a bad day

come on, dog.......you can do this....i'm here........tornadoes all around, so i do have to get off computer.....but i'm holding your hurt with you..okay? xoxo pat

[dogtanian]

i did it again tonight. as per other thread, i've got a mate who's in crisis - i want her to be ok so much but i can't be the only one she relies on - it's doing me in. i have exams which i'm bricking it about, i have the anniversary of my hero's death tomorrow, i have stress left right and centre and her stress doesn't help - i know that sounds awful, i will not desert her but she is so reliant - it sounds callous but if she could be stressed without involving me quite so much that would help - i don't mean to sound callous she's lovely and deserves good things but i CAN'T DO THIS

[Rapunzel]

How could you help her to expand her support network and find other people who can help her deal with her stress?

[dogtanian]

i'd love to do that - it's hard though because the docs have been useless for her so far, which is frustrating as it makes her disillusioned before she even starts. she's extremely dependent - presumably due to everyone treating her like poo and deserting her frequently in the past - which... well it's kind of er... i really wish i could help but it's getting to the point where i can't, i know i can't, i'm feeling imposed upon. i have exams, i have this horrible anniversary today, i'm hardly sleeping, i'm stressed stressed stressed and much as i like her i just can't deal with her problems too. and i know for a fact if i say anything she'll think i've deserted her. even if i go so far as to say could she leave me be today. i did ask her this (i want to be alone today for the anniversary) and she took offence. i had to explain the reason and then felt guilty. if i say something small like "i won't be here later" she goes off on one about she's in my way and i hate her being there and i hate her and so on - how the hell do i get her to see that her being in my way once or twie DOESN'T equal i hate her? because that's the problem - i can't say anything without upsetting her and that makes me nervous and i'm so frustrated!

[Rapunzel]

That's really a rough situation you are caught in. Your friend seems to feel like she can't get the help she needs from anyone else, and doctors haven't helped her, but you're struggling too and her demands are more than you can healthily give. And you don't want to make her feel abandoned like other people have probably done time and time again in her past.

Both of you seem to have difficulty setting boundaries. You can't really do much to change hers, but you can work on firming up your own boundaries and just letting her know that there are limits to what you can do for her. It isn't a rejection, but you won't be capable of helping her if you don't take care of yourself.

It's frustrating to have been to doctors and therapists and not feel helped. I know because it took me several tries to find someone who helped me much too. But good ones are out there. She isn't going to get better by clinging to someone else who is struggling and who isn't trained to help her, and it isn't fair to you to have those expectations placed on you. You can be there for social support, but if she chooses not to look elsewhere when you have given all that you can reasonably give, then she is making a choice that you can't be responsible for, and you're not doing either of you a service by pushing yourself past your limits to try to meet her demands.

[dogtanian]

you just hit the nail on the head! that post is really helpful, thank you

[Rapunzel]

You're most welcome. I'm so glad if it helps.