[paintingravens]

This post contains some bad news--possibly triggering news--but it also contains good news.

I slipped up yesterday... I was up late last night facebooking, and this guy that I had met and never really talked to much just suddenly asks me if I want to do anything later on that day (it was 2 am). Well I agreed--it wasn't weird or sudden because we had met via dating application, so the question was expected eventually--but during that time I had felt pretty out of control of my emotions--have been for a while, so very soon after I regretted making such a stupid, impulsive decision, since I had never even met this guy, or even talk to him often. I was suddenly very anxious about the whole deal, and I had been feelin pretty anxious the rest of the week anyway--it had just been building up and I've been holding it in, so i was convinced if I didn't do something to stop this down-spiraling issue--and I was mentally punishing myself about it--I would have a sh***y, incredibly weird, anxious, awkward night and I might feel even more out of control and seem like a total spaz on the first date. so i knew it was probably bad for me, but I just needed it to level out before I met up with him, and to be perfectly honest, I don't regret it. At all. I mean, yes, there is a bit of guilt for it, but it didn't come til much later, and i would NEVER have done it differently. After I cut--and I've noticed that I'm able to cut a bit deeper, more easily recently, and I think I'm making more and more cuts each time--as I watched all the blood run down my leg, I felt SO much better, so much in control, I felt like I was a different person almost, like I was one who could control herself--almost powerful, to a degree. I was ready to tackle this date head-on, and I did. I definitely believe it helped me last night, it had a visibly practical, useful purpose, and i say it outweighs the guilt for this slip-up. I had a VERY exciting night.

I do not buy it for a nanosecond.

[paintingravens]

buy what?

"I definitely believe it helped me last night, it had a visibly practical, useful purpose, and i say it outweighs the guilt for this slip-up. I had a VERY exciting night. "

[Christina86]

(((((((((paintingravens)))))))))))))

Question: In the future, would you consider finding another more healthy way to deal with your emotions and stressors, rather than engaging in self injury or cutting? What is the good news in this post? How was your date?

Do you have a therapist at all? Or a doctor? If you don't have a therapist, PLEASE find one that can help you to deal with this in a better manner.

so i knew it was probably bad for me, but I just needed it to level out before I met up with him, and to be perfectly honest, I don't regret it. At all. I mean, yes, there is a bit of guilt for it, but it didn't come til much later, and i would NEVER have done it differently.

That is what the addiction would like to have you believe, that you can use it and "walk away" from the behaviour whenever you want. But that's not at all true, sadly. I would hope for you that eventually you do something more healthy for yourself instead of self injuring. It is possible to survive without it, it's just really hard to initially stop.

After I cut--and I've noticed that I'm able to cut a bit deeper, more easily recently, and I think I'm making more and more cuts each time--as I watched all the blood run down my leg

This is NOT NOT NOT good. Deeper cuts lead to permanent nerve damage, potentially cutting muscle or potentially bleeding to death. Please, if you're going to cut, if it requires medical help - find a doctor you trust. It is not something to take lightly and you risk a blood infection if it's not treated.

I definitely believe it helped me last night, it had a visibly practical, useful purpose, and i say it outweighs the guilt for this slip-up.

If you feel even remotely guilty for this, then there is something wrong with the behaviour and that part of you knows that the behaviour is not healthy and not at all good. Self injury is not practical, it may seem reasonable at times, but it is not practical. It's also not healthy and is self destructive. It may be "useful" for you right now, but I sincerely hope you'll seek help to find other ways to cope with this.

I know I may sound harsh, but I'm doing it out of love and caring for you. I was in the same spot, and it is not a healthy nor good place to be. Please don't put your life in danger, you deserve more than that.

[paintingravens]

Originally Posted by Christina86

(((((((((paintingravens)))))))))))))
Question: In the future, would you consider finding another more healthy way to deal with your emotions and stressors, rather than engaging in self injury or cutting? What is the good news in this post? How was your date?
....
That is what the addiction would like to have you believe, that you can use it and "walk away" from the behaviour whenever you want. But that's not at all true, sadly. I would hope for you that eventually you do something more healthy for yourself instead of self injuring. It is possible to survive without it, it's just really hard to initially stop.
....
If you feel even remotely guilty for this, then there is something wrong with the behaviour and that part of you knows that the behaviour is not healthy and not at all good. Self injury is not practical, it may seem reasonable at times, but it is not practical. It's also not healthy and is self destructive. It may be "useful" for you right now, but I sincerely hope you'll seek help to find other ways to cope with this.

I know I may sound harsh, but I'm doing it out of love and caring for you. I was in the same spot, and it is not a healthy nor good place to be. Please don't put your life in danger, you deserve more than that.

The date was WONDERFUL. Which is why I had a VERY exciting night. ))

I never said I was able to just walk away... I know it's very hard to stop, and I wish I had never started, but I feel like it really helped me out that night. I mean, I know it's not good, but it DOES serve a purpose for us who self-injure--it's usually why we keep doing it. All I'm sayin is that it definitely served its purpose friday night. I didn't really cut all that deeply, just a bit deeper than usual, and I always try to keep the cuts cleaned.

I really appreciate everyone caring, and I'm still trying to figure stuff out... I set an appointment with the campus counselor for wednesday. Hopefully session 2 will be better than session 1...

[tonih]

sorry , but from one cutter to another, that is one hell of a rationalization!

[Sannah]

I think that your outcome - the date - was so good that it has colored over everything else.............. (I'm glad that you had a good date!)

[kasva]

hi paitingravens.....
i very much appreciate your post. it got me to think again about listening to my gut. i have did and i recently signed up to a dating thing and i still self harm. my gut has been telling me im not ready to date again. because i would probably be so stressed that i would have strong urges to self harm. and if i feel that need still then that need to selfharm is telling me im not ready to date. maybe im rambling i hope that your counseling session went well...........................kasva

[Kiya]

((((((((PaintingRavens)))))))))))