[sigh] I apologize in advance for this long story, but I think you will all want to hear about it.

It started with everyone's posts to me, and I'm not placing blame or anything, really. They just made me feel bad, feel guilty, and that made me mad. Then I got to thinking how I had to listen to my T call me constantly and how I "had to answer or........". I called his office Thurs. morning before he came in and said "all bets off.....stop calling me, no more". Told him if he wanted to talk to me about the message, fine, let me know - otherwise no calling to check up on me. I went to work and it was so dead quiet. My T called and left a message saying that he could see me at noon, if I could make it. It was so quiet that my boss let me leave early and I got there at 12:03.

Try to realize when I went in there, I was so angry I could have strangled someone.........I have never been like that with my T before. I apologized in advance and explained what had ticked me off. I had put my blade in my purse, and I had my meds.........and I opened my mouth and just spit out angry words at him, like "why wait till then, maybe today so you can stop calling me", etc. It was ugly - I was a ****** to him, but I was also angry. He asked for the blade and I loudly said no several times. He wanted to know what I was doing and I told him that I had to fill out orientation papers for my new job and told him where. Then he wanted to know where I was going after that.........again, my temper kicked in and I said I have no clue. Then it was "are you going to hurt yourself before dinner".......I wouldn't promise him in any way that I would be alive by the end of the night.........I was just so pissed and tired of being pushed. Told him that I had never asked for his concern, and why should I keep going just because he wanted me to? What about my rights.......what Mary Alice wanted? Was he like everyone else that didn't care, because his goals of keeping me safe wouldn't be met then? Yes, I was on a roll and just kept blabbing.

I left and proceeded to drive over to my new job site......and noticed something. A police car was pulling out - no big deal yet.........I turned and it turned........then I knew what he had done to me. Sure enough, she blocks my car in and proceeds to ask me to sit in the front of her car and talk to her. IN PLAIN SITE, IN FRONT OF ALL THE MGRS (WHO HAD ALREADY BEEN NOTIFIED TO CALL 9-11 IF I GOT IN THE STORE BEFORE SHE STOPPED ME). I was in shock.

To speed things up here, I ended up being transported to the hospital (same one I had my surgery at 5 weeks ago), with a couple of officers. I couldn't go to the restroom alone - they were in there with me. Talked to a bunch of doctors and then they called some crisis intervention line.........between all this and what my T was saying, I was told that I was staying in the hospital..............but I had 2 choices. First, to volunteer to check myself in and leave ONLY when the doctors on staff said so (otherwise they would hold me with an ED, emergency detention). Second, I say no to staying, officer arrests me with cuffs for resisting arrest and disorderly. I go to the jail, get booked, and then go to the state mental hospital. In the morning I would have a court hearing about the length of time I would be stuck in the state facility and then they would have a hearing on how long I could be committed........plus all the hassles of dealing with the court system. Wow, what a choice, hmmmmmmmmmm.

I picked option #1 and signed a voluntary admit form and get checked in.........put on Sucidial Watch #2 - checks every 10 minutes, nothing in the room at all, bathroom locked at all times, and normally just a mattress on the floor. I did get a break because of my surgery, they let me have a bed instead of just the mattress. Plus I was put in seclusion and "restricted".

Then they brought in this woman who was yelling so loudly, and banging her head into all the walls and screaming. She was in cuffs.............cops had to come and hold her down to medicate her and keep her quiet. This is who I was supposed to be sleeping next to..........NO WAY. I asked ever so nicely for a diff spot and got one, thank goodness. Course my normal room I wasn't allowed into because of my restrictions until after the staff meeting in the morning. I did not sleep last night at all. I had to call home and him and Alex brought some stuff up for me - searched of course. Alex cried when he had to leave and I had to stay.

They turned on the light every 10 mins to check and if I had the sheet over my head, they whipped it off and felt my pulse...grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I am so NOT used to this and the bathroom room guard. Then at 5am this morning, they take 3 tubes of blood from me.

I got a shower, and finally had my meeting with the staff of about 6 doctors. They were going to wait and talk to my T.....who btw, called late last night and asked me how I was doing.........OMG. He said he'd be by today and talk to me.

When he came this afternoon, I was just getting done with therapy classes (mandatory as a patient) and listening to alot of strange ppl in that place. The door is always locked and you can't go outside or past the nurse's desk. I was pretty sure that I had convinced everyone that I was fine, and that it was simply a mixup and from an argument.

Then my T arrived and we talked for 2 hours. Some good, some bad..........on one level I do understand why he did it, but it doesn't change the hurt or sense of betrayal. I don't trust him, and as far as telling him everything - NOPE, no more. All this time my car was sitting in the parking lot by my job (which I figured was gone). I was supposed to have worked this morning and couldn't. That mgr. is pissed now and is considering not promoting me now - because I am unreliable. I really didn't want to tell her I was on the psy ward.

Bottom line, after over two hours, my T agreed to release me tonight - the other doctors had already said I could, like I figured, but the decision was up to my T. My husband brought my car to me and after I had dinner, I drove us all home.

Alex is so upset that he refuses to leave to go on his overnight trip, so that is cancelled for him. I will be getting "phone calls" all weekend to check on me, and I have to show up for our appt. next Wed. where we can work on some more "plans" to keep me safe. I gave him my word that I will not cut anymore, and that I would not end my life - he has me backed into a corner here and that angers me as well, and I told him so. As far as how I am, it is "I'm fine" works really well. The worst part is I still care about him - if that was gone, so would I. I don't trust him anymore though, he killed that right away.

I called the new job today and thank god I still have the position, and will do paperwork on Monday at 3pm......then I work from 8 to close at my other job here in town. The store mgr. knew of course and wanted to know if things had been worked out and if they could help at all, and if it was done with. I told them if it is all cleared up and that I appreciated their offer.

OMG, what a day and a half that was. Send all email thanks to my T........lol. I hate having other people decide my life for me, but I used to it. He really isn't different than anyone else at the bottom line.

Night all, I am so completely exhausted and in pain........plus I started my new meds yesterday and by today had really kicked in - nerves on edge, felt like they were pulled so tight in my arms........shaking. They gave me a Lorazapem which helped alot.

Mary Alice

At least I'll have company back in bed with me tonite and all the kisses from the herds.......lol.

Soooooooooooo tired = slap happy

Mary Alice

[heidu]

Mary Alice,
I know you are going thru alot and there isn't alot to say to you exept I care, I am listening and I will be here.
Try to get some well needed and deserved rest.
Biggest, warmest hugs.
Heidu

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
~ Carl Bard ~

[Peanut61]

For {{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}} =

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[pebblypoo]

I'll take an angry and slap happy Mary Alice any day over a suicidal one!

know that we're all here,
pebs

<font color=purple> The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated--Gandhi

Sometimes I lie awake at night in bed and I ask, "Is it all worth it?" And then a voice says, "Who are you talking to?" And another voice says, "You mean, ' To whom are you talking?'" And I say, "No wonder I lie awake at night."--Charlie Brown </font color=purple>

[Serenity]

My sweet Mary Alice....I've read your post many.many times...and I'm glad you're "ok"...I found it hard to find the right words to reply...so I've gone back through some of your psots....all the bold writing is/was "your" own words....maybe they say it better than I can? Anyway,...here goes...(and you're not allowed toget mad at me cause you know I love ya lol)</p>

today"..........on one level I do understand why he did it, but it doesn't change the hurt or sense of betrayal. I don't trust him, and as far as telling him everything - NOPE, no more"</p>
previous posts"I agree, my T deserves more.........."</p>
"My T wants nothing from me, same as here. I go there and talk because he just wants to know how I am.........nothing else." </p>
"I want to go there and tell him to stop me, to change my meds, to DO SOMETHING because he is the only one who can -" </p>
"But he has always made time for me, either worked me into his schedule or has come in early/stayed late for me"</p>
"Yes, I thought of him as my friend. I trust him and would not talk to anyone else. He has gone above and beyond the definition of his "job" as my T," </p>
"If I could, I would stay at the hospital Sat. night........if I knew I could leave on Sunday."</p>
"My T told me that he will call me every single day, sometimes twice a day to check on me and remind me that he is there. I don't want him calling, I don't want to know that he is there - it is ONLY him that is there for me in my real life......but if I don't answer the phone.......I have unwelcome visitors"</p>
"My T says that as long as I talk to him, he won't intervene over the weekend."</p>
"My T is the most special person I have ever met.......I just don't understand this man. He is trying so hard not to hospitalize me because he feels that would be like a betrayal to me.....so he came up with a solution/suggestion. Instead of putting me in the hospital, he is going to call me several times a day, esp on Sat. and see how I am, how my mood is, try to help me if necessary, etc. I had to agree to talk to him when he calls,"</p>
"I called his office Thurs. morning before he came in and said "all bets off.....stop calling me, no more". Told him if he wanted to talk to me about the message, fine, let me know - otherwise no calling to check up on me." </p>
I hate to sound harsh , my sweet Mary Alice...but according to "your own" words...who REALLY broke their word?...hence trust...hence betrayayl...him?....or you???

today"Alex is so upset that he refuses to leave to go on his overnight trip,"</p>
previous"I didn't want to inflict my terror on Alex and we talked about the trip. He wanted to go, the only thing holding him back was "missing Mom""</p>
"Alex has his own bed, but because of someone I won't mention, he is always worried that I won't be there the next morning or that I am going away.He wouldn't go to bed without me home."</p>
Makes me wonder what Alex would have done if we all hadnt made you mad enough and your T hadnt pulled through with the RIGHT(and only one you left him) Choice when he found out Mommy would NEVER be home again????Hmmm

today"It started with everyone's posts to me, and I'm not placing blame or anything, really. They just made me feel bad, feel guilty, and that made me mad."</p>
previous"All of you are very special, caring people - with the gift of being able to show someone love and support. That is something that most don't have - and I am grateful that I found this board and have been so readily accepted and cared about. "</p>
"
Without the love and support of all of you, I would never have made it this far - and for that I am grateful. In my moments of darkest despair and pain, you were all here for me, throwing the ropes I needed to climb out or kicking me in the backside with good advice."</p>
"I just wanted to post this for everyone that has been such good friends with me on this board. I appreciate every single one of you - and care about each of you tremendously. "</p>
Hmmmm...*smile* We love ya too Mary Alice...
Always....Jennifer

[LadyDragus]

my sweet MaryAlice..
I never wanted to sound that bad to you.. I just care a great deal, I know I do not know you very well, but I do care..
I still would love to do "our girls night things" It would be ever so neat.. Dont you think...

Just a note, always know I do care, and i will listen.. ok.
Please do not leave us, or get too overly mad at us, we all care..

lots of warm hugs and love coming your way..

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[Rapunzel]

Mary Alice,

What an ordeal you have been through! It's not any fun. Thanks for telling us what happened. Hearing your story makes me even more glad that the farthest I got six months ago was locked up in jail for two hours.

I have been so worried about you, and I'm glad that your T took steps to make sure you were safe. You probably won't look at it this way, but see how much you are worth? If you weren't worth caring about, why should people go to so much trouble to keep you safe? You are of infinite worth.

I'm so glad that we still have you with us, and I'm praying for things to start looking up for you.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

[Serenity]

PS~<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.beatgreets.com/display.pd?path=37493&bfrom=1&prodnum=3041354&>http://www.beatgreets.com/display.pd?path=37493&bfrom=1&prodnum=3041354&</A>

Ty Heidu, it is appreciated, really.

xoxoxo

Mary Alice

Peanut,

so very beautiful........ty for caring my friend.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Pebs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} ahhhh but you haven't seen the "cranky" me, yet --- lol. It scares people..........lmao.

Ty for caring.

Mary Alice

[Serenity]

uh oh...everyoen got a reply except me...did the wrong thing didnt I?

I'd say I was sorry...but I'm not...it's how I felt and how i tried to help...you knwo I care ...

Jenn, I'm not sure how to respond to your post........you are correct in everything you said..........and yes, by my own temper I pushed him. I had every intention of doing my paperwork and then taking the meds and going to park in his office parking lot to die. Amazingly, if that officer had come later, the drugs would have been in my system and my "explanations" wouldn't have been believed. It was not a problem for the "image" me to take over and convince everyone it was all a misunderstanding. [sigh]. My T knew better - am I glad? no........do I understand? yes.

I have always been in favor of the direct, blunt approach - so thank you for what you have written. I care and always will about each of you here.

So, going along with popular demand, I am alive. I am completely drained - "pretending" for a day and a half used every single ounce of energy I possessed. The depression feels so very heavy today.

Mary Alice

you are very special, Jenn*********xoxxo

We simply overlapped Jenn............you did the absolute right thing and I care about you just as much.

xoxo

Mary Alice

[Serenity]

If I could catch a rainbow
I would do it just for you
and share with you its beauty
on the days you're feeling blue...
If I could build a mountain
you could call your very own
A place to find serenity
A place to be alone...

If I could take your troubles
I would toss them in the sea
But all these things I'm finding
are impossible for me...

I cannot build a mountain
or catch a rainbow fair
But let me be what I know best,
A friend that's always there

:::::::::blowing kisses and hugs:::::::::::::::::::

ty, Serenity.

Mary Alice

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{Jennifer}}}}}}}}}

That is so beautiful....thank you for sharing that....very touching


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[Serenity]

*smile* I share good

[Rapunzel]

I'm singing a song for you (sorry, it's in Norwegian, but I'll translate as well as I can):

Kvi gjeng du så einsleg og stundar bak hytte all dagen så lang? Kom heller til fjellet til me, du. Eg skal lindra din sorg med min sang.

(Why do you go so lonely behind the cabin all day so long? Come instead to the mountain to me. I will ease your pain with my song.)

Eg sitt liksom stengt I et fengsel bak glimmande snøklede fjell. å viste du båre min lengsel, så kom du på einaste kveld.

(I sit like locked in a prison behind glimmering sno-clad mountains. Surely you bare my longing, so come this only evening.)

Du vilje på valje dei gløyma, men så kom eg bort på din vei. Eg så deg, men kunne ikke gløyma. Du leiken kvar nått i min draum.

(You would forget your value, but I come away on your way. I saw you, but could not forget. You play each night in my dream.)


<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

{{{{{{{{{{{Rapunzel}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} ty for making my morning better. Have a good day.

xoxo

Mary Alice

[Dias]

Yup good day!!!

Why Fear Im Here

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