Confusion, I need help. Triggering

It makes sense to me. You have certain emotions which are overwhelming. You SI to deal with them and you also dissociate at the same time. Dissociation occurs when you can't handle what is going on with your feelings.

Before I found a lot of my answers I was always confused.........

When I was a kid I went to Disney World with my parents. I remember feeling like I was there observing everything from a few inches away from my actual body. It just felt so big. It was almost like if you purposely blur your eyes and dull your hearing. The world was washed in animated water colors.

Ever since then, I have called it "The Disney World" feeling. I get it in overwhelming situations such as Holiday shopping in the mall, or at concerts.

When I hurt myself, it wasn't quite the Disney World feeling, but it was more like the feeling when I get engrossed in a TV show and I was absently-mindedly scratching, but at the same time doing it on purpose.

Sannah, you asked about turning anger inward. I do that all the time. I have had times where it built up so much that I lost my cool over the smallest thing and was really hating myself for it.

I can see the distinction that you are describing with the dissociation. The SI "dissociation" does seem milder?

So you get upset with yourself when you are angry?

Sometimes I can't distinguish the difference between anger and hate. Then I turn it on myself.

I told my husband what I did and he is very angry. He doesn't know if he can trust me to be alone.

Are you talking about this turning the anger onto yourself in therapy? I would think that you would have to analyze how you feel about anger and your whole history with it, especially in childhood and how your family viewed and dealt with anger.

My therapist and I have begun to explore anger and my feelings about it.

Very good!

Nice to read you are making progress. Thats great!