going on 8. not an accomplishment

It has been 8 years....8 years since i started cutiing and scratching. ive been in over 10 hospitilizations. been on too many pills to count on my hands. lost my future in going to college. always over heated in 90 degree weather because i have to wear a sweatshirt. i dont know anything about coping in a healthy way. i can pick them out like that. and know how long. over dosed too many times. never worked. i can make it 6 months but it comes right back. i miss my old life. where i was healthy. free of all my ilnesses. now i cry every night. and i still cut and scratch. and i wonder how long this will keep up for. cause when it rains it pours

You can only start where you are at, not where you wish you were. How is therapy going?

Hello, justalittleparanoid. Sannah knows. Please listen to her.

Good luck.

i start out every day as if it was a day with out ever cutting. i try and be positive i dont reflect on negitiveness that has happend to me. the only thing that i wish, i mean truley wish has nothing to do with si. its the day sometime when i look at myself in the mirrior and say "i love you" i cant do that. i cant do that because ive been raped many times. and no thats not the reason i cut.

That is pretty harsh, justalittleparanoid. You did not invite being raped. For you to not love yourself for something you are not responsible for hard to understand. If anything, you should love and care about yourself more.

I hope you can see not loving yourself is so unhelpful.

This is where you wish that you were ^.

Where you are -

You have urges to SI
You have negativeness that has happened to you
You cannot look in a mirror and say "I love you"

I know, if you accept these things you will probably fear that you will fall into a pit of despair and won't be able to get back out. This is a very realistic fear and I don't blame you for one minute fearing it. So it leaves you stuck between a rock and a hard place, yes.

What helps to face these things? Making positive things in your life to fall back on.

Do you have people you can depend on and count on? Work on getting more of those.

Focus on what is real and tie your life more into those things. What is real? Interacting with the environment. Doing crafts, or yardwork or housework. When you interact with what is real around you it gets you out of your head and ties you to what is real. These things that you touch and manipulate are real. Just getting out in nature is very healing. Feel the wind, feel the sun, look at those birds, look at the buds on the trees. This stuff is the real stuff.

Making relationships with HEALTHY people. This is real. This gets you out of your head and gives you something positive to fall back on during your journey of healing.......