[Broken Wings]

Been cutting myself for five years now. In that time, I've gained multiple scars. Been on Prozac, lithium, and Trazodone. Now I'm on Celexa. I've been in the mental hospital once after an overdose (my therapist called 911 on me). I'm really having a hard time getting over the hospital. It was such a horrible experience. I have a stupid form of an eating disorder. But for everybody who cuts, what have you experienced with it?

[justalittleparanoid]

going on 8 years. and its a nightmeare.

[KeepHoldingOn]

Mine has been going on for longer than I care to remember. I don't remember how I started or exactly when I did but to this day I regret ever starting. It has become my biggest addiction.

I have so many scars I don't think I could count them all. Several have been so deep that I've had to get them stitched up. I tend to hide my scars in shame, wishing they would just fade away.

I've also OD'd, burned, etc along with cutting....

I only self-harmed temporarily during 3 hospital visits (whenever I did something "wrong", I cut/scratched myself as a form of punishment). I have several scars to show for it, unfortunately they are in places that most people can see them. It was a temporary thing though, haven't done it since.

[_embrace]

Seven years, for me...but this year has been the best since I started. It's been four months since I cut last, though I have "harmed" (bruising) once in that time.

I started out scratching, and over a few years got to the point where I was cutting quite deeply (usually needing sutures). I overdosed once and almost ended up in hospital, but managed to talk my way out of it (don't ask me how...maybe they were full, and decided to buy my "I wasn't trying to kill myself when I took all of those pills" story.) Along the way, I got into therapy, started taking medication, and really tried to work on stopping. I found out that it's related to almost everything in my life, from stress, to external events, to other people's opinions...basically everything I care about. The key to stopping, for me, is keeping a balance between the positive and the negative.

I have a lot of scars. I don't know if I'llever feel comfortable wearing shorts or a tank top again, but I guess we all have to live with our pasts. I do feel, however, that my scars are a part of who I am. It's kind of an odd feeling, I guess. Sort of a mix of shame and a wish for acceptance at the same time.

[angie2716]

I'm not sure how long I've been doing it. And over the past few months it's gotten a lot worse at least once or twice a day. Maybe a year or so. And I'm doing it where I can cover it up. Its become very addictive. I've been dealing with severe depression and panic disorder for over 5 yrs. And my si started when I would either accidently cut or burn myself and it would always take away the pain that I was suffering from on the inside. And it just went from there.

[notz]

Yes I know about dulling the pain. It distracts me from what seems overwhelming. I've cut and otherwise physically harmed myself in many ways beginning at age 14 and I am now 56. Yes, it's a part of me. It's kept me from taking me own life I believe. But the shame and the sadness of me doing that to me. I am so sorry for that little me inside that wishes for the punishment. So sad.

Primarily I use the rubber band snapping on my wrist to help get me through bad times. Going to pdoc for 12 years now has helped. No sutures during this time from self cutting. It's better, I'm better.

[findingmy_self95]

2 1/2 years too long sadly. I have scars up and down my leg and up and down my wrist. Im only 15 and I understand 100% cutting is an addiction but Iv'e never gotten help for it even tho I was hospitalized at the start of this month. But you'll get through this I know you will

But as for me, I'll just keep going like I always do.

And also same with you, Im having a hard time getting over being in the hospital. Im terrieifed of pills now and cry or shake if I touch them ior even the bottle. If I see the hospital I'll burst into tears. I understand it hard right now.

Hope Everything Gets Better for you

I freely admit I knew little or nothing about self-injury before coming here. SI is hard for me to understand. What is shocking, however, is the widespread abuse and trauma associated with the SI. Cutting is seen as an alternative to learned helplessness - even a way of life. The attitude of "that is just the way it is" is quite disturbing.

I am so sorry you all have been subjected to such egregious treatment by those who were entrusted with your care.

[xXWhyXx]

Just started cutting. Want to stop but I am hooked on it. *sigh* I am sorry, the pain was just too much to handle...

[Yoda]

When I was a teenager I cut my nail beds with razor blades. I stopped when I went to college. Only self injured twice since being an adult both times were when I was in a psychiatric hospital feeling out of control.

i've been been through rough times, i never found SI to help, so I stopped early. started small this past nov. scratching was as far as i got. the pain wasn't worth it, so i stopped after two months or whatever, i forgot already. :|

I still trig once in awhile, but w/e, it's over. I feel crappy sometimes, but SI just isn't helpful.

[thine_self_untrue]

I never realized that I self-injured until I came here. I have head-banged and smacked or slapped myself for as long as I can remember. I grew up so frustrated with myself and feeling stupid and inferior, I would bang my head to try and 'slap some sense into myself'. I never knew it was really self-injurious, it was just my way of expressing frustration.
In January, I started feeling really overwhelmed and depressed. I was mad at myself...furious with my failure and inability to 'fix' myself. I was yet again, frustrated by myself and my 'solution' was to hurt myself. And so I started cutting. I don't cut deeply, they all look like I rough-housed with a kitten. I cut almost everyday for a variety of reasons. While I would never need stiches for my cuts, I have cut my hands, arms, wrists, legs and torso and people have noticed. But no one would ever believe that I would do that to myself, so for now, I am safe. But for how long?

[puzzclar]

After reading all the posts, I feel compeled to post my experience. I've wanted to cut, but have stoped, since I know its a step in the wrong direction. But I have done other things, paper cuts for example, or other things. I don't want to do it anymore but can't stop Hill from doing it to me. I don't like it, She does. how much longer can I deal with this?

[Mike_J]

My first experience with SI took me to the emergnecy room after a doctor who seemed very troubled with my interupting whatever he was doing, gave me a couple of dozen stiches he had me committed to a mental facaility (worst experience in my life). I spent the next few years cutting myself more limited ways, nothing that every involved another trip to the ER. Lately I have been doing pretty good has been several months sense my last SI event. I am working to makes sure my last event is going to stay my last event. But recent pressures seem to make that unlikely. It's hard to explain all the scars I have, but In a sick way I sort of like them, they remind me of how far down I was, and at the same time how far I can fall.

[Katileena]

I've been cutting for about 2 1/2 years. I started when I was 20, a junior in college. I don't really fit the normal definition of a "cutter" because I started at an older age and I have no abuse in my background or anything. I started cutting I think because I was unhappy with myself and suffering from depression. Since I started I've become quite addicted to the feeling, the rush it gives me. But its still not worth the pain it causes me; I have scars up and down my thighs, and a few on my arms. It's devastating not being able to feel comfortable in my own skin or being able to wear the clothes I want to wear. I regret ever starting.

[sunrise]

I cut for 5 years as a teen. I never told anyone and kept it well hidden. Even when I cut too deep once and had to have stitches, I made up a plausible story about how I came to have that cut. I was very ashamed of all this and felt I was highly deviant. (In these pre-Internet days, I had never ever heard of anyone else in the world doing this, and thought I had invented this and that it was very strange and wrong.) I didn't want anyone to know. But yet cutting helped me cope with the problems in my life. It helped me deal with emotional pain. It didn't help me solve the problems, but with this coping mechanism, I was able to get by. Looking back, I wish I could have somehow worked on solving my problems instead of just withstanding them. But I did what I could. If I hadn't cut, it probably would have been something else, like drugs or anorexia. A lot of my problems stemmed from my family. When I was 17, I moved out and went to college, far away. I never cut again. I had removed the problems from my life, so no longer had a need to cut. As an adult, I look back and view it now as an immature coping mechanism. I try not to beat myself up about it. I was young and did the best I could.

[Typo]

I self injured for a number of years, it started when I was about 13 and it is just in the past year and a half that I have gained control over it and the urges have subsided for the most part, from 13-19 it was the only way I could deal with my rage and anger, all the hurt I felt from having been abused.
I have slip ups in moments of extreme panic or when I am in "flight" mode, but I have learned to not give into those urges, through work in therapy, and replacing my negative coping skills with more positive ones (breathing excersies, positive personal mantras, grounding skills)

I understand everyone's experinces here, and my heart goes out to you all, there is hope, and I believe that all of you can beat this, and replace the hurt and pain with hope and positive self care. Remeber everyone deserves to feel good about themselves, and we all deserve the best life has to offer

Many hugs, and peaceful thoughts to you all
Typo