Trying to resist

Princess Butterfly · Jan 22, 2010, 06:09 PM

29 days today i havent cut!

But so much is going on right now,all sorts in my head and things around me.
I keep thinking if i cut just a little bit it'll make me feel better.But the reality is it wont.I dont want more scars.I dont want my Son to see new "Oucheys" on my arm. And if i give in i will feel like im a complete failure.
My Care co-ordinator said to me today i'm setting myself to high goals.I'm setting myself up for failure and i'm putting too much pressure on myself.
I'm being moved into a Mental Health Nursing Home soon and ive told them how well im doing.And i want to keep going and keep doing well.But My Care Co-ordinator tells me im being moved there for a reason because im unwell and my risk is so high.If i do slip up i've not failed and noone will be disappointed in me.I'm doing really good and this is my longest time cut free.She also said if cutting a little bit will stop me from doing something more serrious in a way that would be better.I tend to hold everything in then i crash and do something serrious/life threatening.

Its just i will be disappointed in me if i do it.I want to be perfect.
But i already feel like ive failed because im thinking of it.

I just want to feel better

paintingravens · Jan 22, 2010, 06:19 PM

Congratulations for getting so far!!!!!!!!

Anything in particular that's got you feeling this way?

Princess Butterfly · Jan 22, 2010, 06:40 PM

I generally feel low,my anxiety/panic attacks are bad.And flashbacks.
On top of that I've agreed to give up my lovely home to go into residentual care

I'm scared of that.
I have so many thoughts in my head.I hate myself.i hate that i cant do normal things.I'm a freak.I've been struggling to accept how serrious things can get but i've finally agreed to go into care.I feel like a disater and i feel like im going to have a breakdown.

paintingravens · Jan 22, 2010, 07:44 PM

FIRST AND FOREMOST:
YOU ARE NOT A FREAK.
If having problems make you a freak, then everyone on this imperfect earth deserves the label too (which would actually defeat the purpose of having the label, but still).
YOU ARE NOT A FREAK.

Secondly, and I've never been in this situation before, so I'm not going to pretend to know all that's going on and all that you are feeling, so I don't want to give the wrong advice when I don't know the right thing to say that will help... but I do want to say that having thoughts of failure is ok, because they are just that -- THOUGHTS. Recognize these thoughts as just being thoughts, and know that they don't mean anything if you don't do anything to act on them.

Thirdly, it's ok to be scared sometimes. Just try to remember that it's all for the best and it will be helpful in the long run, even if it may be terrifying now. It's often hard to see the positive outcome, but know that it will all work out eventually.

Know that you have my support, and keep us posted.
((((((((((((((((princess))))))))))))))))

Jan 22, 2010, 08:57 PM

Congratulations, Princess Butterfly. I am so happy that you have chosen to get better; to live. You are making progress. There will be bumps in the road. As your confidence grows, the bumps will be less intimidating. Good for you!

pinkcorr · Jan 23, 2010, 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Princess Butterfly

29 days today i havent cut!

But so much is going on right now,all sorts in my head and things around me.
I keep thinking if i cut just a little bit it'll make me feel better.But the reality is it wont.I dont want more scars.I dont want my Son to see new "Oucheys" on my arm. And if i give in i will feel like im a complete failure.
My Care co-ordinator said to me today i'm setting myself to high goals.I'm setting myself up for failure and i'm putting too much pressure on myself.
I'm being moved into a Mental Health Nursing Home soon and ive told them how well im doing.And i want to keep going and keep doing well.But My Care Co-ordinator tells me im being moved there for a reason because im unwell and my risk is so high.If i do slip up i've not failed and noone will be disappointed in me.I'm doing really good and this is my longest time cut free.She also said if cutting a little bit will stop me from doing something more serrious in a way that would be better.I tend to hold everything in then i crash and do something serrious/life threatening.

Its just i will be disappointed in me if i do it.I want to be perfect.
But i already feel like ive failed because im thinking of it.

I just want to feel better

Hey hunni,

Well doneonth 29 days. How are you feeling today? I know you want to be perfect, thats a really hard thing to let go off and know that none of us can be perfect. I know because I live it everyday and you know I do lol. If you cut you haven't failed hun, but I totally understand that way of thinking too.

x x xx

Princess Butterfly · Jan 23, 2010, 01:22 PM

Thankyou everyone for all your lovely comments I'm on Day 30 today!
Thankyou paintingravens for saying I'm not a Freak!

I havent cut myself,I have cut my hair it was kinda a impulse thing.instead of cutting myself i guess.Oh well! It looks ok.
I'm constantly having thoughts though.I was sat trying to watch tv and suddenly had an impulse to pick up the remote and repeatedly smash my wrist with it.
I have so much to do with moving to keep me busy but im so tired.And i get upset too.Just all a bit much.
I move the 1stfeb and i wont have the internet anymore.
I've had a upset today.

Jan 23, 2010, 01:41 PM

Continued success, Princess Butterfly.

Princess Butterfly · Jan 23, 2010, 07:32 PM

trying to distract myself in games

if i start feeling worse i will call a nurse

lynn P. · Jan 23, 2010, 07:37 PM

Have you ever tried holding icecubes? What kind of coping techniques work for you? Congratulations on resisting for 30 days. Exercise also helps. Best of luck

Princess Butterfly · Jan 23, 2010, 07:39 PM

I have no freezer so no ice

Princess Butterfly · Jan 23, 2010, 07:57 PM

I'm keeping strong so far

WePow · Jan 23, 2010, 08:42 PM

((((((( safe hugs )))))))))) What about taking a pen and paper and just make lines - just like cuts - just not a purpose but to let it out... My alter Mick has started to do that when in pain and it is working - helping anyway. Then we show T and it is on paper and not arms or stomach.

Jan 23, 2010, 09:51 PM

(((((((((( Princess Butterfly )))))))))))

Fire_Star · Jan 23, 2010, 11:48 PM

Well done, Princess Butterfly. Keep it up and try not worry if you fall back down again. If it happens, it happens but you can always look back on the big steps you've taken - there's all the proof you need to show you are not a failure. You can get back up whenever you fall, we're all here for you.

pinkcorr · Jan 24, 2010, 07:47 AM

Well done hunni,

Have a read at the replies you've given me

you are stronger than you think!

Oh for me the ice thing doesn't work.....makes it worse

x x x x

Princess Butterfly · Jan 24, 2010, 08:46 AM

Thanks Everyone

Thanks Pink Corr (i care more about others than me)

I didnt cut last night which im very glad about,but i did cope by taking some pills

i have a addiction to sleeping pills and had been 2mths free.But i had to last night.
Dont worry i didnt overdose