depressed an imensly strong SI urges

It's very tough to be patient an gentle to myself because I just really
want to be healthybbut I'm starting to loose hope an such!!!! That I will recover an
be healthy seems to me a long hard dark lonely road to recovery an health!!!!!!
An
lately I've been extremely close to purging anything an all things
it's hard an worse ESP after meals for a hr or so veryy tough
I'm not sure I can hold to not purging much longer

I'm sorry just really struggling

Omg I'm panicky now because I'm having two sandwhichs and just ate
few pizza rolls damn me an my body arggh
now ill get fat and gain weight dang it I hate it when
I loose control an eat!!!!!!! I will need two hrs to excercise it of after
an might have to purge considering that only for now

I'll rest an won't purge

Very good!!!

When your body is very hungry it is hard to not eat a lot. This is a natural body response.

Recovery is long. It is funny how we want immediate results. Change is gradual. Please try to note your small victories okay?

Yea I suppose it was good I rested an did not purge

yes recovery is very long I agree an good idea to focus on the small
victories

I'm soooooo depressed and I cry everyday an now I'm crying
I'm so sad I can't stand how sad I feel right now I'm crying now
I can't sleep but feel like sleeping all days and I eat much less now an if I do I excrcise
or try to purge

Are you talking about how sad you are feeling and why?

Yes my depression is very much out of control an my therapist an
treatment team want me to do meds like anti depressants / although I hold a strong stance
againest them I fear they may help me to relax and better manage my Ed. An depression
syptoms n OCD so I can get to the root of things an recover!!!!!!!

I'm so hungry now body begging for food what do I do! I myself
don't want to eat

So you are hungry but you want to maintain that control by not eating? If you eat, you lose the only control that you can feel?

Yes exactly but I'm. Sooooo hungry now I'll try to eat

I ate

I had a salad an a sandwhich an kept it in

I feel sad again but I will relax an distract from the
sadness

I will cope in a healthy manner

I feel like binge eating n purging. Now

Just an urge but very strong

I'm so glad that you ate. Did you do alright the rest of the night? Can you talk about your sadness when you are sad?

Why are you so glad I ate ????! An i did the rest of night be ok and yea
I can talk about my sadness and my t knows about my cutting urges and binge an purge urges

Because you are supposed to eat. Why are you surprised that I am glad?

I'm also very glad that you did alright the rest of the night. Do you see these 2 things as an accomplishment for you?

Yes I do

And yea cause Im not happy I ate but glad you are
I was suprised that I would get praised for eating

Why were you surprised for getting praise for eating? (I can't help giving people positive feedback!).

Yah, I can see how you wouldn't be happy because you ate. To you, I'll bet, you saw it as a weakness, a loss?

Nevermind ok thanks

And yea I did feel that way

Too many questions, huh?

No thats not it
Ive just been going of low energy is alll
i dont much so energy low then normal

I Might take diet pills
im considering it cause if i go through treatment
eating more ill be less anxious an panicky if i take one diet pill a day

So what I hear you saying is that you really aren't sold on getting better? (Getting better meaning eating in a healthy way when you are hungry).