[Kiya]

................yep................

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

...and the point of that is?

[Kiya]

yep, i fell off the bandwagon and cut again. only posted cuz it is keeping myself on track with my goals to report. no need to go into the details or emotions (for me).

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))

[onlymedid]

Kiya

[KeepHoldingOn]

(((((kiya)))))

[3velniai]

[Kiya]

I did send t an email telling her that the storm I'd known was coming came and broke. She frustrates me so - I told her this was building - and she'd said we'd safety plan "next week". what good is that, i ask you. So i told her it hit, told her the amount of cuts and told her there was no need to safety plan next week. Not surprisingly, I've not heard back. And won't until wed (session). I have my final intensive group t tomorrow, and I think i will not talk about it in there - no point to ending on a downer, methinks. I am trying to get to work with group t - change t's for a bit - see if that helps me. wish me luck...

(((((((Kiya))))))

[Aquafara]

... I think it's good that you are telling people though. You've obviously been holding it back and in. You knew it was going to happen, you told your T, and they didn't help you in time... You did what you could and I'm sure you tried to keep this from happening. Sometimes wanting something just isn't enough. You know?

But you still told us, and you told your T. That is good! I'm not saying that what you did was the best thing that could happen!!! That is certainly not true... However, I think that it's very strong of you to not hide this and to not keep it bottled up inside yourself.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Aquafara

I think it's good that you are telling people though. You've obviously been holding it back and in. You knew it was going to happen, you told your T, and they didn't help you in time... You did what you could and I'm sure you tried to keep this from happening. Sometimes wanting something just isn't enough. You know?
But you still told us, and you told your T. That is good!

Yes I did (thanks btw). I told a friend who asked me to tell both my Ts. Next day I told the group t that I was concerned (tho not exactly what would happen). 2 hours later I told me indiv. t who just can't help. I sorta don't know why i bother.

I *know* that "I am the only one who can keep me safe". And yet, obviously, if I could I wouldn't be doing this.... so something's missing....

[turquoisesea]

Hey Kiya, just stopping in to send some more safe hugs your way.

I'm really frustrated with the system too - it's like the emergencies they can't truly deal with this sort of thing - it's near impossible to "stay safe" - T's can only do so much. I'm assuming you've talked to the T about this/ask what you can do for emergency protection (if you haven't do, I need to ask myself actually).

I'm mixed on you switching T's - I think it's important to find the RIGHT one, but it's also tough switching because so many sessions have to be background and old T has that already.

((((Kiya)))))

[Kiya]

Points well taken, Turquoisesea. yeah, i did ask t to help me safety plan. she said we'd do it next week. it does seem t's don't know how to handle these moments. I had one good one on this - when I got urges she had me call, and she'd tell me all sorts of things about her dog. (it sure didn't feel helpful at the time, but it worked). I just have to learn to distract myself, i guess.
Hugs

[Aquafara]

Yes, something is missing. It's hard to find out what that is, and even support usually can't fill it. You did a great job though, telling all of those people, and us. Remember, we're all working on filling those voids together.

What are you doing now when you feel it coming on? I know you can feel it coming, that something is building. Sometimes it's hard to recognize what the feelings are and to be sure if you're going to fall, but you can feel something is there... Like the wind.

So what do you do to keep yourself busy? Do you do things you find enjoyment in? I've been trying to exercise more and am even getting into meditation. I am hoping this will help.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Kiya,

Mm.

Something I've done for years is write a diary. It's personal and also a useful way of keeping a record.

I hope you stay strong.

Regards,
Akuma