I'm Back?!

whats going on? I like it. I wanted to do it and I got my opening. I missed it. My friend told me she would stop and for a long time she did. But she caved and I just couldn't help myself. If she could cave then so could I. Problem is she regretted it and i didn't.

Do you find that your moods go up and then down?

no I am always up

Man, that just made my heart sink.... I know you can stop but know I know it's not in you to stop right now, because you became addicted agin.

You asked for help before you do something more, and the only thing I can say is to find something else to occupy your mind. Learn new things, read a book (something that wont trigger), BUT above all else dont' just sit and do nothing or you will do something worse then what has already been done. Just use this method if it helps
Stop
Think
React

Go through each one, and think, am I stoping what I am doing to think about what is about to happen, and then react in the Right place. This does work, I use it all the time, Good luck and keep us posted.

Thank You Pullzcar my problem is that i don't think about what I do I just do it. But after I feel no regret or remorse. I enjoy it and the only thing i don't like are the scars. I have to hide them and it's getting harder and harder to do so.
My back is full of them and I can lie to everyone and be believed but I have stopped cutting there but I feel the need to return to that because i have been stabbed in the back way too many times and just think I should share it with the world.

LFFN, I have been out for a long weekend. How are you doing?

Worse than ever. I'm worthless now. As I have been told by my family. worthless and useless and i need to **** off. I'm still bleeding from last night.

Who says that they are right?

I do. If you grow up with people who know you aren't they right?

But if they are dysfunctional the lense that they are looking through is diseased and warped......

The problem is that I am too honest. I tell the truth all the time to the point that it's rude and hurtful. I guess what I said took the wrong road and caused my brother to tell me that I'm worthless and mean nothing to him and it broke me down. It tore him to the ground and made him cry and I was fine until he said I was worthless and meant absolutley nothing to him. i didnt deserve that. but Maybe i was at fault. i took what i was saying too far. and it took the wrong direction. I have not come down since he said it. Lifes spiraling. Sorry if I'm rambling. I'll stop now

Can you take responsibility for what you did?

I can take responsibility and say that i spoke my mind. I told how i feel and he did the same. he aimed to hurt me whereas my objective was never that.

But you still hurt him? Is your hurt that you felt different than the hurt that he felt?

Hurt people hurt others. He was hurt?

obviously I'm at fault as always. Told you he was right. I'm worthless

So if you do anything wrong you are worthless? This is really black or white thinking. Life is gray. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes. I make them all the time. Everyone does. I understand where you are at with this. I had to learn the same thing. Dysfunctional families don't built healthy egos which can withstand this kind of stuff. You can learn it though. Now come on, find the middle on this, okay?

idk I'm just confused... today I'm walking around in a haze. I don't know where I'm at or what I'm doing. I just want to straighten out.

And once again I gave in. I can't stop myself. I tried. Am I really as pathetic as I'm sounding? I know this is wasting someones time. I'm sorry i just needed somewhere to come. Someone to talk to.

What happened that led up to it?

Everything is going up in smoke. My past is coming back. My present is sad and depressed. I cant keep trying to save everyone

How is your past coming back?

Why do you have to save everyone?

My ex is coming back saying that she is sorry for cheating and telling me that the baby is mine and she wants me in her and the babies life. she is saying that I'm the best thing that ever happened to her and she feels bad. the only reason I can't tell her to just back off is because she has my daughter.
I have to save everyone bacause noone ever saved me!!!!!!!

Have you considered a paternity test? Do you believe that your ex is unhealthy and she will only mess with you?

I know what you are saying about saving others. For me it is that I don't want anyone else to suffer the way that I suffered so I want to help them. I do, however, let others take care of me and I do take care of myself also. Do you let others take care of you (are you close to healthy people who can take care of you sometimes? or do you distance yourself from healthy people?) Do you take care of yourself? Also, there comes a time when unhealthy people can pull you under right with them. It is okay to help others but not if it pulls you under too.

It's not the being pulled under it's the fact that I willingly jump in under the water and go the the deepest depths to push the worst ones to the surface. My sense of accomplishment never reaching me and warming me in the frigid depths. I like it down there. Alone but surrounded by people like me. people hurting and who are damaged.
I have healthy people in my life but they distance themselves from me. I try to be close to them but its like they know who I am, What I am. and they pull back leaving me hanging in the wind. Hurt people like me, they love me, they surround me. Like a gang of misfits we are all close as my healthy people watch on and say nothing and do nothing to help. why should they help me? they never asked for my help and i saved them.
I know I'm rambling and it seems like I have no positive outlook but I do. I'm content with the drowning feeling, I'm content with helping and being alone. I just wish I could pull the healthy person into my life and make them stay and help me.