[Lexicon78]

Don't know if this would be triggery so just in case it is...

Ya know I see the topics of what to do instead of cutting or self harming and I don't care about it....I just want to cut! I don't want anyone telling me what to do. OK, so I'm a bit stubborn about my cutting, as I do not see anything wrong with it at all. I know all the dangers of it...getting an infection, cutting too deep, how people will view me, having scars, etc. Really I do not care!

I love to cut. I love the way it makes me feel. I do not feel guilty or ashamed about it afterwards anymore, either. I feel proud. I love the scars it leaves behind, too. I just don't want anything to interfere with my cutting.

I know this may be a shock to hear, but it's the truth.

[Rapunzel]

Okay, you know how you feel about it, and you aren't afraid to say so. I think you are to be commended for having that kind of self-awareness. One thing you might want to look at is why you feel proud of your cutting.

Can I tell you something I've just learned about myself? I wasn't entirely aware of it, but I guess I'm proud of my SI too. Particularly when I come up with some really creative way to hurt myself passively - something maybe nobody else has thought of before. I think that T figured it out. Maybe this won't apply to you, but maybe there is something you can grab onto that will, ok? Anyway, she always had this nagging feeling when I talked about my SI behaviors like I was bragging about it. I didn't mean to, that I was aware of. What she figured out was that in my family it wasn't okay fo me to be good at something or to be independent. See my post under Survivors of Abuse about Mother Spider. The only thing that I could be good at (without losing approval) was being disfunctional, and I guess I am pretty good at that. It keeps me caught in my mother's web though, that I thought I had escaped from. Every time that I hurt myself, she wins. I hate that. I'm just good at staying stuck in the spiderweb and keeping myself limited just like she wanted me to, only now I do it all by myself and keep it a secret from her. Isn't that stupid?

Well, maybe this doesn't apply to you, but I bet there is some reason why you are proud of cutting. Do you know what it is? How does it help you? We don't do things if they don't help us in some way, do we?

Rap

[Kieley]

I understand... sorta. I am ashamed of my cutting.

[Lexicon78]

Just want to...cry! I know I'm changing the subject but I was trying to talk to my bf about my dad...everything he said I could be to my father....but he doesn't want me anymore. Me and my father did all the things he said...going out for dinner, spending all our time together, playing cards, watching tv together, laughing together, etc. I want it all back! Now he's with his gf and forgot all about me and how much I need him.

[inkblot]

I feel the same way. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lexicon78}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[complic8d]

Lexicon78-- I understand the cutting issues you describe. I feel like it helps me to calm down and it is self punishment so it make me feel like I have "paid" for whatever. I need to have the cuts and see blood. None of the other things on the list seem to help, I have tried some, but ended up cutting to actually get the relief I needed. And, I do feel some "pride" in my scars, it feels like "proof" of how hurt I am inside my head and how "scarred" my soul is. This is all probably an inappropriate way to think, but it is how I cope. I do understand.

[ickydog2006]

I completely understand too...with the cutting issue. The only reason I am trying to quit is that I hate the look of disappointment from others. I would rather have them punch me than look at me like that...it is how my dad looks at me....like I'm never good enough.

[Lexicon78]

I completely understand how that look of disappointment can affect a person. I've been there many times. I, too, have often thought I'm not good enough...I think that about my dad...not good enough for him.

[Liquid]

I havent shown anyone apart from a doctor, who looked down at my scars and said "theyre not that deep", another doctor that said "oh no no, dont do that" and a psychiatrist that said nothing. I hide them in public because i cant stand the thought of disgusting/shocking people.