[inkblot]

I got my stitches out this morning. It was the first time meeting that doctor. He was really nice, close to my age, and *cute*! I lied to him about how I got the cut, as I have everyone else except my T. After leaving the office, I stayed in the parking lot for an hour and then took in a note to leave for him volunteering the truth that the cut was self-inflicted. I included one of my T's business cards so he'd know that I do talk to someone so it's not like I'm not doing anything. Well, this doctor evidently did get and read my note and then called my T, cause my T called me this afternoon saying that he just talked to this doctor and wanted to see how quickly he could get me in, though we just talked the other day to reschedule an appointment and he already knew my schedule. He plans to call me if anything new opens up this next week, otherwise we are still on for Sept. 19th. I left my T a few voice mails this week on what was going on and he didn't call back. This MD called him and now its a serious issue. I was threatened to be sent to the hospital, and told to go to the ER next time I want to do it. (Yeah, right! That's NOT going to happen!) In talking to him, I got the impression that this doctor was pushing him (or, barking orders to him) to be more serious. Don't know if I should I be happy or scared.

[Rapunzel]

((((((Inky)))))))

I'm glad that someone is taking it seriously. I don't know that the MD necessarily did any chewing out. Maybe T didn't recognize how serious the cut was. At any rate, please don't do that again. I know how easy it is to just replace one coping mechanism with another one, or simply to add to the list, but it just makes things worse. So much better not to get started, or to nip it in the bud. Nobody can really help you unless you want to get healthy.

[Gracey]

It sounds to me like maybe the MD is taking it quite seriously. Tell me this, if you didn't want him to have a reaction, then why did you even tell him how you actually incurred the wound? I think you wanted him to know, and I think on some level you really wanted him to talk to your T. Is it possible that maybe your T isn't taking your cutting as seriously as you'd like him to? From what I've read, it really seems to me that you wanted them to connect. . .you could have easily just said in your note, "I DO have a counselor" but you made it a point to include your T's card, which I am sure has his telephone number on it.

Some part of you is probably disappointed that the doc didn't respond in a more caring way (to your way of thinking) but I think this doc did an amazing thing by reaching out to your T and caring enough to make the phone call in the first place.

[inkblot]

My T wants to discourage me from always leaving info on voice mails, and that is how I have been informing him that I did it. I have made calls saying that I really wanted to and that I was anxious or something, only to call back later and say that I did cut. I did that when I actually made the cut that got the stitches. He never called me on it. The first I left him a voice mail that I tried cutting and liked it, the next appointment he mentioned that first thing before he even got to his chair to sit down. He asked to see what I did, but they weren't in a place where he could see them on my thigh since I was wearing tight jeans. I left messages for him about doing it after that, but I never heard anything from him. All of a sudden this doctor talks to him and it became a serious thing. I don't know if my T wasn't sure if I did cut or not because he didn't actually see anything the time I was at the appointment. He knows that I've had some psych classes, and I have to wonder if he thinks that I might be trying to fake it? I don't know. I don't know if the MD calling and verifying that I had stitches made my T believe, but it really sounded that my T was getting a push from this doctor about putting me in a hospital. T wanted me to promise that I wouldn't do anything over the weekend--I told him that I had my kids--I never actually said yes/no or anything else. Generally, I "behave" when my kids are with me, so he accepted my answer--I think he knew better off, but didn't question me. Okay, so I did make three tiny cuts over the weekend. I could have not done it, but I wanted to so I did. I was a little anxious. It's come across my mind today, too. I haven't done anything today as of yet. Not planning on it at the moment.

[Rapunzel]

Inky, that sounds too much like the pattern I got into. I just cut, just because I wanted to. It didn't even take much reason to do it. I'm not allowing myself that anymore. It's not a good way to cope. I wish that you could see that you are worth more than that.

I don't mean to be blunt and rude but cutting is a serious thing. thats why he probably doesnt want you leaving voicemail messages after the fact.

after the fact the only thing he can do for you is hospitalize you involluntarily if it is within the last 24 hours and he has seen the cutting from you not another source.

most likely he never called you back because you were calling AFTER you had done it so he already knew you were not on your death bed otherwise you would not have been able to call and leave him a message.

Therapists and psychiatrists and psychologists work with cutters on a daily basis. they have been trained to know that cutters hide what they are doing until they hit rock bottom and then start asking for help BEFORE actually cutting and a majority of those who call just to say "I did it" are most likely attention getters. Not saying you are in that majority just that that is what professionals are taught during internship/supervision and so on.

When they do have clients that are calling after the fact the protocal is involluntary commitment to a mental health unit if the cutting is within the past 24 hoursand they have seen the cut(s)

I have been committed for cutting my arm three times. once I had no warning. cops showed up with the therapist and I was put into the cop car and transported. each involluntary commitment required my being strip searched in the er and given a gown and interviewed by 2 staff psychiatrists. then I was taken up to the mental health unit and placed on siucidal watch even though I was not suicidal but thats what they write up cutters. For suicidal wathc all personal items (clothing, walkman cd players cigarettes,they even take away shoe laces) are locked up and you have to have permission and be supervised when you have them placed in a room with a camera (yes the camera was in the bathroom area too). During the next two weeks during each stay I was forced to attend various group therapys, occupational therapy, medications (haldol and I have no idea what else for they didn't tell me just handed me a med cup and said take them) wake up by 7am bed by 10pm, and during one of those three hospitalizations I was raped by an orderly. no sense in reporting it for everyone on the unit is claiming people are out to get them (paranoid delusional here's some more meds)

The reason they take these precautions is because cutting is potentially life threatening so many people die unitentially by cutting. you don't have to cut deep to hit an artery pressure point and so on. take a look at your skin and you can see some veins and arteries just below the skin and not in the fat cell layer.

at this point to a professional whether or not you are faking it is not the issue. its the potental of accidental death and so on that they are thinking about.

I can tell you from experience that out of 19 professionals NONE paid attention to the after the fact calls. It was up to me to either call them BEFORE I cut and work on what is going on in those moments or deal with it myself after the fact or tell them after and be taken by cops to the emergency room for intake to a mental health unit.. Those were and are the only options.

Now if I choose to call before the fact and speak directly to my therapist then I had and have more control of what happens.

I have my therapists full attention and she does listen to me when I let her know I am close to cutting.

she takes the time needed by upping the amount of appointments so that we can take time working out whatever is happening that got me thinknig of acting on it.

I have her promise that she won't hospitaliize me if there are other options avaiable and I am open to them.

These may be the hings he can do for you but first he needs you to speak directly to him BEFORE you act on the urges to cut.

Please try to give him the chance to do that for you.

[inkblot]

You must have missed something in my post. I have left T a message *PRIOR* to doing anything and never got a call back. He prefers that I not overuse the voice mail and be able to tell him things in-office no matter what the topic. The cutting thing is new.

[inkblot]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I wish that you could see that you are worth more than that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Gee, and I thought that I was priceless.

Thanks, Rap. I have my dreaded appointment with T tomorrow right after work. This is the one the "emergency" type one scheduled because of the MD calling T. I'll be lucky if I can get there on time, but T knows I'm coming from work and could be up to 15 minutes late. He said that was fine because he has been running late recently anyway.

[Rapunzel]

Good luck, Inky. Be honest, talk to him, and let us know how it goes.

Rap

Yup I did miss that sorry.