[IAMMEZ]

It was recommended to me to start in this forum first... So here I am.

SI, is not something I struggle with everyday. There are some warning signs I can see that prevent me from getting to that urge. But sometimes the inevitable occurs and I get the urge.

I started doing this about 10 years ago. At that time, it was unmanageable. I was just out of control. But through therapy I was able to stop for like 4 yearsish.

Usually my urge is triggered by certain people or situations. In my past whenever I was abused physically by either family, or my ex, I would hurt myself. I'm no longer in a situation where I'm being harmed by other people. But sometimes simple arguments with people I care about trigger the urge.

About 2 years ago I accidentally hurt myself too bad. My boyfriend had left me and I just lost control. I won't get in to what I did because I feel like that is counterproductive. My my daughter was home, and I was so out of control that I did realize how bad I was hurting myself. I can still see it in my head... Well I had to call my boyfriend, who had just left me, and ask him to come help me because I was afraid to look at how bad it was afraid to call the police or mobile crisis (Because I did it with my daughter home alone with me.) and because I was losing a lot of blood.

He came back and we took care of it. I probably needed stitches but I was too terrified to go. (Again I own't explain how I took care of it because I don't want someone to get any ideas.) After that day I scared myself into never cutting again. And I haven't.

However a few months ago, I got more resourceful and harmed myself in another way. While it's less dangerous, the result was the same. It was the first time I did it in a few years, so I was pretty upset with myself for not being stronger.

Last Friday my mom and few other issues that popped up triggered the urge again. It was all I could think about, I was home alone. (I work at home) And it just wouldn't get out of my head. I took 1/2 of my anti anxiety meds and THOUGHT about calling my Dr. . But I didn't call my Dr. I waited it out and eventually the urge went away. I didn't tell anyone about the urge either, until after it was gone, because it's embarrassing and I'm afraid people will try to take my daughter from me if they find out.

So far, I've only told my Dr after it's happened. And other than my boyfriend, no one really knows I do this, or have this urge. And while it doesn't happen very often, and the urge doesn't come very often, I've always felt like I had no where to go.

There is such a stigma about people who do this. And I'm afraid I will be labelled if I tell people. So, it's prob the hardest thing I deal with because I already feel out of control when I get the urge. And then I feel like I'm alone and have no where to turn.

Sometimes I scare myself with the thoughts I have. But it's really hard to fight the urge. For me it's about punishing myself, and partially because that's all I know. (When under extreme duress) I think my past childhood abuse and domestic abuse really still haunts me. And that is where this urge stems from.

I really want to develop better coping skills to prevent even getting to the urge stage. But I also want to develop skills to prevent me from doing it once I'm there. I know I can go years with out doing it and then all of a sudden it's back again. I just don't know entirely what I'm doing wrong or why I can have so much time in between episodes and then it just come back out of almost no where?

Ok, well that is all for now.

[puzzclar]

It's What some of us here call Relaps. It happens to all of us.... sometimes years inbetween. I do believe that it stems down to all the abuse that you recieved as a child. You do need better coping skills and they need to become automatic to you. One that could help is a form of Psychology, It's called Energy Psychology. It can help with abuse. One way to do it for yourself with out professionals (even though I do not recomend it, because it can be very harmful to you if done in the wrong mannor, but there are very few professionals that can help with it.) It's called Tapping. Or Emotional Freedome Techneiche. I have used it on a few of my traumas and found it helpfull.

More coping skills can be found at the top of this forums home page. And more suggestions should fallow after this one. But use your strenghts to over come this. It can be done. and you can do this.

[IAMMEZ]

Yea, I'm familiar with relapse. But IMO I shouldn't! I know what to do. I have a plan, and I can see my warning signs. I avoid situations and people that increase my desire to do it. But it still comes back! I'm willing to try about anything, it seems like no matter what I do, I will experience years with no self harm, or urges, and then it just happens. Usually when I'm overwhelmed and that one little thing pushes me over the edge. But we all know life isn't always going to be rainbows and sunshine. So I really have to develop new coping skills. It breaks my boyfriends heart and trust when I do it. Not to mention if my daughter asks what happened... I will read some of this stickies more thoroughly tomorrow. It's really late here and I have to go to bed soon. Just wanted to check in to see if anyone had replied to me.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.