[Abby]

I've not been that good recently. I have had lots of stuff going over and over in my mind and I'm feeling more alone than ever. I really want to feel the care and support that is offered to me but although I definately see it being offered....when I wake up in the morning, when I strive to get through the day, and when I fall asleep at night, all I ever feel is this pervasive sense of being totally and utterly alone.

I cannot make sense of that.

But anyway, what I really wanted to type out was the bad images in my head recently. My mind is going in a certain direction and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Unfortunately because I'm quite low at the moment I'm cutting without any regrets or guilt...this is mainly because a) I need to continue, b) I can only rely on myself, and c) cutting 'works' for me....so yeh I've basically given myself the go ahead to cut if it means getting through.....plus I don't really care that much about what happens to me, except if other people see it...and usually with cutting they don't.

So yeh, as boring and repetitive as I am....i'm feeling terribly alone and pretty darn depressed at the moment. If I wanted to go down the route of pity i'd scream out that i'm sick and tired of feeling this way. ....but I'm incrediably aware of the opportunities and love/support I am given by family and friends.... i just get so tired of feeling so empty around them.

I'm also really tired of trying. I'm pretty darn aware that cutting is not the answer and it isn't what I want to be doing....but right now...when things seems to looks so black and suffocating I'm just getting so tired of trying to hold it all together....i can't think of anything else that will help. I've tried distraction and it works for a while, I've tried comforting and I love it, but when i'm in 'that place' i can only think of one thing and, although sometimes rationally i can think 'this is not right', i still go ahead and do it anyway because there is a louder scream which is saying '......' ....stuff.

I feel so superficial and empty most of the time that i wonder if i exist at all. Sometimes I wonder if any of this matters? All this screaming of pain and lonliness...does it even matter, really? I attempt to switch off my brain or to turn it to something else but everything seems.....if this makes sense....2 dimensional.

I feel fake and, if i can say this without seeming completely stupid, nothing.....except that the nothing is full of too much. Like a black space being crushed by it borders....because you can't have a space without something designating it to 'be' a space....And that 'be' in my life is so darn loud, and the space/silence is just as loud if not louder!

I'm making no sense now though...so i'll shut up. Apologies!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

all I ever feel is this pervasive sense of being totally and utterly alone.

i just get so tired of feeling so empty around them.

I feel so superficial and empty most of the time that i wonder if i exist at all.

everything seems 2 dimensional.

I feel fake

the nothing is full of too much. Like a black space being crushed by it borders....because you can't have a space without something designating it to 'be' a space

Abby, how is therapy going? Are you sharing this ^ with your therapist?

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Abby, how is therapy going? Are you sharing this ^ with your therapist?

Therapy has been difficult lately. We talk about the lonliness quite a lot, I think she gets it. She thinks all this pain is getting worse because I'm getting better. She's probably right though I can't quite see it myself!

I've attempted to tell her about feeling empty but it is very hard to explain. Again I think she gets it, or at least she gets that I can be totally contradictory within the same sentence and both bits hold true...somehow! The hard part is that it hurts to tell someone in person how much pain I feel inside and how empty and nothing I feel too....because I still have to deal with it, it is always never-ending. Oh well.

I haven't bothered to talk about the wierd thoughts in my head of all this being 2 dimensional or wondering if it exists at all....mainly because it is just plain stupid and likely irrelevant. I can talk about this online but in person I'd find it too hard to talk about...plus I don't think it really is the issue.

Which is the main reason I don't always tell her explicitly 'i cut today' because i think it is better to talk about the situation and feelings than my reaction to the feelings. That's not to say we've not ever talked about cutting because we have etc. But what I don't get is that she still seems surprised when I explicitly tell her about a cutting episode. It is as though she forgets. Maybe I appear a lot more competant than I am when i'm trying to explain situations? Or maybe I'm just misinterpreting her reaction as surprise when it may be more a question....e.g. 'so you cut this week then?' <-- this remark really surprises me! I wouldn't say I was a regular cutter, i don't cut everyday etc... but from everything we've spoken about I honestly take it as a given that she knows that to cope in stressful situation I have to cut! But she doesn't seem to get that.

Anyway, not that it matters. I would like to tell myself to try and do better with everything at the moment but I don't really have the energy. Thank you for asking, reading and supporting. I know I talk a pile of nonsense most of the time and all I ever seem to do is whine, it bores me too if i'm honest!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

She thinks all this pain is getting worse because I'm getting better. She's probably right though I can't quite see it myself!

Yes, I agree. You are looking at your pain now which is necessary to get better. Previously, you were probably avoiding it/denying it. This is a normal route for therapy.

Originally Posted by Abby

at least she gets that I can be totally contradictory within the same sentence and both bits hold true...somehow!

Very good work, this is normal too.

Originally Posted by Abby

The hard part is that it hurts to tell someone in person how much pain I feel inside and how empty and nothing I feel too....because I still have to deal with it, it is always never-ending. Oh well.

I can understand this. It is hard. But don't you think that you move forward anyway when you do this, even if it is just a little bit?

Originally Posted by Abby

I haven't bothered to talk about the wierd thoughts in my head of all this being 2 dimensional or wondering if it exists at all....mainly because it is just plain stupid and likely irrelevant.

I beg to differ. It isn't stupid or irrelevant. It is your experience and in order to get better you need to start where you are at, not where you wish that you were.

Originally Posted by Abby

But what I don't get is that she still seems surprised when I explicitly tell her about a cutting episode. Maybe I appear a lot more competant than I am when i'm trying to explain situations? Or maybe I'm just misinterpreting her reaction as surprise when it may be more a question....e.g. 'so you cut this week then?' <-- this remark really surprises me! ...from everything we've spoken about I honestly take it as a given that she knows that to cope in stressful situation I have to cut! But she doesn't seem to get that.

I remember when I thought that a person should know me before I even spoke enough to let the person get to know me. I'll bet that you just haven't told her enough so that she really understands you?

Originally Posted by Abby

Thank you for asking, reading and supporting.

I know I talk a pile of nonsense most of the time and all I ever seem to do is whine, it bores me too if i'm honest!

You are welcome Abby!

Abby, I understand that you devalue yourself and your experience but I absolutely do not. Abby, you are important to me, this is why I look out for your posts and always answer them. I see a lot of value in you and I'm looking forward to the day when you can also see the same value that I see.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I can understand this. It is hard. But don't you think that you move forward anyway when you do this, even if it is just a little bit?

I think you are likely right although sometimes the overwhelming pain shadows the tiny bit of movement forward most of the time. It is hard to hold onto any good feelings sometimes.

Originally Posted by Sannah

I remember when I thought that a person should know me before I even spoke enough to let the person get to know me. I'll bet that you just haven't told her enough so that she really understands you?

I don't understand me so i guess it is a bit of a stretch to expect her to understand me... There are just some key bits I always figure we've covered but i'm still having to reiterate frequently. Do you think it is possible that I'm choosing the wrong words? Or do you think if someone told you something but didn't seem to have much emotion in their words to back it up that you'd take it at face value and not think about it much?

Originally Posted by Sannah

Abby, I understand that you devalue yourself and your experience but I absolutely do not. Abby, you are important to me, this is why I look out for your posts and always answer them. I see a lot of value in you and I'm looking forward to the day when you can also see the same value that I see.

Thank you for this. I do very much appreciate your replies and advice. I value them a lot! I have to admit at times it is strange though because I've never really had anyone listen to me before. Sometimes I fear I may be giving you the wrong impression of me and I wouldn't like to hurt you if you ever do 'see' the real me...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

Do you think it is possible that I'm choosing the wrong words? Or do you think if someone told you something but didn't seem to have much emotion in their words to back it up that you'd take it at face value and not think about it much?

I know that it takes a lot of talking to be understood because we are complex.

Originally Posted by Abby

Sometimes I fear I may be giving you the wrong
impression of me and I wouldn't like to hurt you if you ever do 'see' the real me...

Not to worry, I like you Abby for who you are.......

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( abby ))))))))))))))

[Abby]

I'm feeling a bit anxious and I don't really want to talk about why I feel this way because....well, many reasons I don't want to talk about either.

But i'm scared I may have to cut to overcome this anxiety and do what I have to do. I know I have a choice and I don't have to cut or do anything self destructive but I also know that if I don't I won't 'make' things balanced and copable and, as weak as it sounds, I just cannot handle this feeling building up inside me for much longer! I have thought about writing it down to get it out but it scares me too much to do that, i don't want to think about it, or talk about it, or....anything. I don't know why, seems bizarre to be so fearful that I can't even write in my own diary about it. Especially when logically i know there is absolutely no reason to be scared.

I'm scared. And it feels almost stupid to feel scared when I know I will cope and that in a few days time this won't be such a big deal...But right now my mind is reeling with ideas of how to balance myself without causing too much damage. I'm going to try and not do anything and see what happens but I am scared to do that too. Life is lonely isn't it?!

[thine_self_untrue]

[Sannah]

How did it work out Abby?

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

How did it work out Abby?

Well i've not cut but the intrusive thoughts are getting to be a bit much. It just feels as though the tension inside me is escalating rather than ebbing away. I don't really want to go into details about what is stressing me out besides saying that it isn't a big deal in reality, but in my head i'm feeling very paranoid and really tired.

This is a pretty useless post, it won't change anything. I don't want tomorrow to come but when it does i'm sure I'll cope. I always do. I keep getting overwhelmed with tiredness and this is causing me to cry at random. I think I need a holiday! Except I'd rather not have one because I am too tired to cope with the change and anxiety of that happening right now too.

I'm really irritating myself tonight, everything i've written seems so ridiculous, over dramatic and self indulgent. I hate having to live with me sometimes. Sorry for the whine.

[Abby]

Too much.

Too much.



When will all of this be over? I tried emailing my therapist to tell her how low I feel at the moment but I can't seem to find any correct words. I keep writing and re-writing it and I give up now. She always says I can email her but I find it really hard to do so because everything I write is too shameful and too exposing. I can't tell her how bad it is because i'm embarrassed. She'll just think i'm being over dramatic and maybe she'll want to cut me up too in her mind because she'll be so angry at me. I feel so self indulgent and pathetic that I want to hurt myself ....so I can only imagine how it sounds to other people! ....No wonder 'they' (her/therapist) likely wants to cut me too!!

Pretty paranoid. I can't explain properly because it is too shameful and... if it is true .... well yeh. Bad.

I am a waste of space, i shouldn't even be writing here...but I even hate admitting i'm a waste of space when I continue to be alive because really, if I'm going to keep breathing, I need to stop being so self absorbed and get all of this into perspective. I have a pretty damn decent life, and I need to start being whole instead of sapping the life force from the world.

I keep crying all the time. I'm a bit worried about the extent I'll have to go to tomorrow to get through work. In all honesty I really should not go into work but I don't have the energy to ring up and tell them I'm sick...it's easier to go to work and cut my way through it than have to endure a uncontrolled conversation with a manager. Plus if I continue to whallow I'll just get more low....i should 'fake it till i make it' or whatever that motto is....and if that doesn't work or is getting too damn hard, i'm going to cut. I've tried not to and I realise I'm a pathetic fool for giving up at the first hurdle but you know what? Surprise, surprise I am a complete and utter fool!! I should not have even been given existance...I was a complete mistake.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I tried emailing my therapist to tell her how low I feel at the moment but I can't seem to find any correct words. I keep writing and re-writing it and I give up now. She always says I can email her but I find it really hard to do so because everything I write is too shameful and too exposing. I can't tell her how bad it is because i'm embarrassed. She'll just think i'm being over dramatic and maybe she'll want to cut me up too in her mind because she'll be so angry at me. I feel so self indulgent and pathetic that I want to hurt myself ....so I can only imagine how it sounds to other people! ....No wonder 'they' (her/therapist) likely wants to cut me too!!

Pretty paranoid. I can't explain properly because it is too shameful and... if it is true .... well yeh. Bad.

I do hope that you talk to your T in session about these things. They really do need to come out and get outside of your head instead of staying inside of your head and driving you crazy.