[dreamtolive]

im a 19 year old girl..i developed anorexia when i was 14 and experienced severe dissociative states as a result. i was suicidal and planing on killing myself by starvation and then freezing to death by falling asleep in a snow drift. i cant remember the first time i cut myself...i think i was 13 with a piece of broken glass. i did cocaine for the first time when i was 15. i was obsessed with becoming a model.
also, when i was 15 i experienced full blown cotard's delusion it lasted a couple daysand i did not come out of my room during that period, however it then dissipated.
i did coke all through highschool and was severely depressed the whole time. i saw a bunch of psychologists but i literally didnt speak about anything so obviously nothing changes. in college last year i went insane. i did alot of mdma and in the beginning blow. my sleep cycle was non-exsistent. by the second semester i was addicted to cutting myself and began to fantasize about bleeding to death. the fantasies crept into my daily life so that i would sit in class and practically get high off of these daydreams. i decided to kill myself and planned to slit my wrists in the bathroom of my dorm house in the middle of the night. by this time i was completely detached from reality, my thoughts were real and the world wasnt. then i did alot of E with my friend and in that state i told her that i wanted to kill myself. she ended up giving me an ultimatum that if i didnt see a counselor she would tell our dean. so i did.
anyway, im home now and ive become absorbed in a sort of fantasy world ive created but i cannot stop feeling suicidal. i believe i have a personality disorder and i really would be so grateful if someone would talk to me about it.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((dreamtolive))))))))))))))) I am so sorry you are struggling so much. If you are no longer seeing a professional please consider finding one. Please take care of you. Could it be you are overwhelmed by trying to deal with so many diffeerent issues? Again, please take care of you. You are worth it.

BB

[phoenix7]

thankyou for posting and reaching out - that is very brave

I am glad you didnt do what you had planned or we would never have met

you have been through a lot of trboules i can see and have had some help

can you get more help?

its really hard to deal with those ideas on your own - everyone here is here to help but a professional who you can talk to woukld be a great idea

you say youre home now? can i ask where you have been ?

is it somthing to do wiht home that gives you those feelings?

please if yuo get themand feel you are going to act on them get emergency help by ringing your emergency number - or a help lien- or a friend

you are a valuable and worthwhile person and the world is better that you are here - you ahve been trying to get past this and im sure a therapist could help when you find the right one

please take care of you

P7

[Skully]

The most important thing is to go to a rehab facility and detox from the drugs...drugs are very bad when you have mental health concerns. It is hard to tell if you really have a mental health diagnosis or if it is the effects of the drugs you are taking that are making you that way. I would consider psychiatric hospitalization as well since you said you have lost touch with reality. If you are in a hospital they can monitor you and get you started on medications. You should be able to have therapy daily and meet with the psychiatrist daily (at least in my state you do).

I wish there was some magic word or response that would make everything better but there isn't. I am sorry you have to go through this and please keep posting...there are a lot of wonderful and supportive people here that will help you when needed!

[puzzclar]

Getting help for all things is the first step after talking about it here. We aren't professionals and can't tell you excatally what you may be expereiencing. But we do know it's serious.

Besides all that. I do understand how you feel. I had to leave school twice. and it was more discrimination then for my own safety. I have been in a mental hospital it was helpfull for part of the time. But you do have to be open about everything you are truely thinking of. Please becareful. This is one of the hardest things to deal with. and like Skully said getting help with the drugs (if you are still on them) is one of the first steps to recovery. If you need anything. let me know.