[WePow]

I am just so exhausted of fighting day after day for what limited sanity I have found in my life. I can't say I am suicidal, but I do want to go as close as I can with the hope that fate will kick me off the edge.

My S/O called me a coward on Friday night and I supposed that is what I am. I am supposed to be "on call" for work today which is a bloody way for them to use us and make us work when not giviing us a day off- the liars!!!!

I already wrote T and he just sent me a link to step 10 in the 12 step program. His way of telling me I am not following whatever I need to follow I guess. I have just had it. I don't want to SI but it is very hard to not do that when it does give some type of comfort when the world stinks.

[googley]

(((((((((WePow)))))))))

I'm sorry you are having such a hard weekend. I know it is really hard to fight the urges to SI. You can work hard at this. I'm sorry your work is so awful. I wouldn't want to call it a day off if I was on call. That just sucks. What is step 10? Do you care to elaborate?

[WePow]

Googley, thank you much. All T did was send me this link:
http://www.12step.org/the-12-steps/step-10.html

So I hear him. My job to do the work. I get it. I am just not strong enough to do it and I don't even know if I trust steps 1-9 yet! But he does it all the time so it is easy for him.

I feel right now like such a fool for telling him about my crap on a sunday now or any day ever. My head is a mess right now and I am just trying to avoid thinking about it until tonight. I dont know what my next step will be if anything or whatever. I should know whatever T was saying and stuff. Apparently he feels that I shoujld be able to resolve this if I just followed this steps so must be my fault.

I am set to see him Monday and i was afraid there would be snow and I couldnt see him and now I want it to snow so I cant see him but it stopped. I never ever in a zillion years want to see him again. I am too stupid to do therapy stuff I suppose.

[googley]

My way of reading that is he is suggesting that you check in with yourself. To see how you are doing. He wants you to be aware of how you are feeling. To be honest with yourself about how you are doing. And then to try and evaluate the truth of how you are feeling. Are your feelings clouding your judgment. I think that is what he is trying to say. Not that you aren't working hard enough. However hard you can work is hard enough.

Please take care of yourself.

[googley]

I was thinking...
I don't think he is asking you to be better than you are. I think he is asking you to accept where you are. And I think he is trying to say that even if things go wrong, that doesn't mean they can't be fixed. You can fix things when you realize there is a problem. It is being true to yourself that is important.

[WePow]

(((((Googley))))) thank you so much.

[Sannah]

WePow, you have repaired so much with your therapist and you and your therapist will repair this too. Please don't forget how many times you and T have worked through things and they were much better. It seems that this is how you are healing. You get triggered by T and then you work through it and are further along on your path to healing. Please don't forget how valuable these triggers are for you to heal (and I can understand that they are hard for you.) You get triggered by T and stuff comes out of you from the past and it is hurtful stuff from the past. But then you work on it and are able to let it go. Stuff comes up, you work on it and then let it go.........