[calligraphy]

Hey, I'm new here and kinda just wanted to get this out there and ask for advice. I posted on the Q&A but it was suggested that I would get more help at the forums, and I would really appreciate anything you have to say. I feels like my emotions about this are super intense and I've noticed there are trigger warnings on other posts, so I just want to warn you that I'm talking about SI, how I feel (as much as I can), etc. I would hate for anyone to be triggered by anything I say.

I'm 22 years old and just had my last semester at college, awaiting my grades. I live with my boyfriend.

For several years I have believed that I was depressed. I cut and burned myself in several places over my body. I've thought about killing myself.I half-heartedly attempted to drown myself in the bath once. This may have been the result of the sexual abuse I received from my grandfather when I was 9 years of age to 12, when he died.

I moved in with my boyfriend 2 years ago. He told me that if I continued to hurt myself he would leave me and tell my parents. I really don't want that so I stopped. But the feelings to hurt myself, of worthlessness, of shame, haven't left.

I'm writing now because two weeks ago I broke my promise and cut myself several times. I'm scared of how I feel and how my bf or family will react. I feel like nobody knows me and I'm afraid to talk to anybody I know about it.

I just want to know if there is anything I can do on my own to get over this, what helps you? I can't bring myself to the doctor at school, I'm too embarrassed, and I don't have health insurance.

I've never talked about what happened to me. It's one thing to tell my bf "yeah I was sexually abused so can we take things slow?" So he knows it happened, but I never told him or any one else what really happened, and my family doesn't know about it at all. But I know I can never tell them. My mom would never believe me, and I get a panicky feeling just imagining talking to anybody about it, let alone someone I know. I feel like there is a fist grabbing my insides . . . I doubt I'll ever be able to talk to somebody face to face about it, or about the way I hurt myself. I know it is wrong and can't face my guilt. Sometimes I want to do more than cut.

I know that the number one thing I should do is seek out a counselor, but I also know I never will.

I've looked over the sticky's and noticed a list of things I can do to in a replacement for SI but it just isn't the same, I don't get the same feelings. I've gotten good at putting it off but sometimes when it comes back it seems even worse than before.

[alyssa_angel]

Originally Posted by calligraphy

Hey, I'm new here and kinda just wanted to get this out there and ask for advice. I posted on the Q&A but it was suggested that I would get more help at the forums, and I would really appreciate anything you have to say. I feels like my emotions about this are super intense and I've noticed there are trigger warnings on other posts, so I just want to warn you that I'm talking about SI, how I feel (as much as I can), etc. I would hate for anyone to be triggered by anything I say.

I'm 22 years old and just had my last semester at college, awaiting my grades. I live with my boyfriend.

For several years I have believed that I was depressed. I cut and burned myself in several places over my body. I've thought about killing myself.I half-heartedly attempted to drown myself in the bath once. This may have been the result of the sexual abuse I received from my grandfather when I was 9 years of age to 12, when he died.

I moved in with my boyfriend 2 years ago. He told me that if I continued to hurt myself he would leave me and tell my parents. I really don't want that so I stopped. But the feelings to hurt myself, of worthlessness, of shame, haven't left.

I'm writing now because two weeks ago I broke my promise and cut myself several times. I'm scared of how I feel and how my bf or family will react. I feel like nobody knows me and I'm afraid to talk to anybody I know about it.

I just want to know if there is anything I can do on my own to get over this, what helps you? I can't bring myself to the doctor at school, I'm too embarrassed, and I don't have health insurance.

I've never talked about what happened to me. It's one thing to tell my bf "yeah I was sexually abused so can we take things slow?" So he knows it happened, but I never told him or any one else what really happened, and my family doesn't know about it at all. But I know I can never tell them. My mom would never believe me, and I get a panicky feeling just imagining talking to anybody about it, let alone someone I know. I feel like there is a fist grabbing my insides . . . I doubt I'll ever be able to talk to somebody face to face about it, or about the way I hurt myself. I know it is wrong and can't face my guilt. Sometimes I want to do more than cut.

I know that the number one thing I should do is seek out a counselor, but I also know I never will.

I've looked over the sticky's and noticed a list of things I can do to in a replacement for SI but it just isn't the same, I don't get the same feelings. I've gotten good at putting it off but sometimes when it comes back it seems even worse than before.

What feelings do you get? Or rather, what emotions does it eradicate? Or do you perceive that it eradicates? Maybe some members can put their heads together to think of another outlet for now, until you are able to find someone safe to talk to.

I'll be honest, there are some things I don't feel like I can ever talk about in therapy or anywhere including typing. But I have also said this about a few other things and eventually opened up about them. However, it doesn't just happen like that, you don't just walk up to a therapist and outright am able to say those things. Stuff like that can take a very long time. Some for me have taken years. And I think it's almost a self soothing idea, that you will never be able to talk about it. As scary as that is, it can also be quite safe knowing that those thoughts will never have to be judged by anyone else. Do you agree or?

As for other people, that unfortunately is the way people react a lot of the time. This comes from lack of knowledge on their behalf (not trying to make that sound critical or anything). It is not something that you can suddenly stop. It is not the same as say, you are lactose intolerant and shouldn't drink milk because it's bad for you. In that instance your bound to slip up sometimes, but it isn't an addiction. You don't think about it all the time. Them asking you to outright stop shows perhaps the lack of understanding for self harm. Maybe your boyfriend could do some reading on the subject first? Maybe you could find a few things to give to him too read about it, when you next broach it?

[abaca01]

I know what you mean I was sexually abused by my brother for years and although he has appoligized for it over and over and is doing everything he can to live a good life now I still feel shame and like I can never mention it to anyone. I need therapy to but for whatever reason I refuse to go. You are not alone, keep posting how you feel here! It really does help.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by calligraphy

I doubt I'll ever be able to talk to somebody face to face about it, or about the way I hurt myself.

I know it is wrong and can't face my guilt.

I know that the number one thing I should do is seek out a counselor, but I also know I never will.

Never talking about your SA in therapy and never going to therapy are real impediments to healing. It is your choice, however, stay where you are at or face what you need to do to get better.

[Skully]

You cannot be helped if you don't want to help yourself. By not seeking counseling and professional help you are showing that you do not want to help yourself. I wish you would please seek professional help!

There are alternatives to actually huritng yourself and leaving marks. There is the rubber band method (put a rubber band around the area you want to SI, and snap it over and over agian until you are satisified), ice method (holding ice cubes in your hand, will feel the sensation of the pain from the cold but no actual harm done) and there are many other ways.

But, as I said, you should seek out professional help. It will be uncomfortable at first, but then you will learn to relax and it will get better.

[calligraphy]

it's really convoluted for me and I get a lot of emotions at once that I just can't seem to understand or deal with. it's like somebody is squeezing me around the middle, sometimes just thinking about certain things or people or being out around peoples does this, it feels like I can feel my heart pounding trying to get out of my chest, like it's too big, and I'll start shaking, and it's like whatever is inside me is ripping me apart and I feel worthless and worthless for me to keep living, and I feel guilt for things that have happened and ashamed of the person I've become and I picture all sorts of ways to hurt myself but I know death is the end of everything, not a solution, and I so I just stick to cutting or burning not the things I picture doing bc I know I won't come back from that. but even just the burning and cutting makes me feel empty, and the thing growing inside feels like a big ball of nothingness. I try doing other things like taking and ice cold shower like I'm trying to freeze myself but once I get out of the shower I get warm again.

I guess that person was right in saying I dont really want help unless I go see a professional. I guess I don't really bc I don't know how else to stop myself from going crazy and never coming back, and I guess realistically I don't actually believe I deserve anything better than the pain I cause myself, I deserve it and more. sometimes I just think and think and think about it and I want to so bad.
I'm not sure what to do anymore but I know I won't be able to keep cutting and hide it from my bf, and that scares me too.