[Catlovers141]

I don't mean something like suicide, although some people might experience that too. When I used to get urges to cut, I used to just go ahead and do it because I found that waiting and trying to deal with things in other ways often ended up in cutting anyway. I actually ended up cutting worse than if I had just done it in the first place. It is kind of like the feeling of depriving yourself of food. Eventually you get really hungry and end up eating everything in sight when you could have avoided it by eating in moderation.

I know that metaphor can only go so far because SI isn't a biological need, but that is what it feels like. I have gone a week with really strong urges but I feel like that can't last forever. I am afraid now to give in because I might go overboard.

Anyone else experience this?

[gothham]

I can honestly say I know what you are talking about. I have cut for 35 years and have had to deal with all kinds of urges as well as the end result of having tried to wait it out so the urge would pass. Rarely did this work for me when I was younger but then I became so agressive and out of control with it that I was being hospitalized every 2 to 3 months for 2+ weeks or so. This is what I have been dealing with for the past 4 years. I am in therapy and she and my psychiatrist are wonderful and have helped me much. Now I am better able to refrain from the urges to cut for longer and much of the time not do it. I have often used SI to avoid doing something much worse. I still struggle daily but know that I am bigger than the problem and I am winning more battles than losing. There is so much help out there and less stigma now that the media and medicine has made SI awareness prominent. It wasn't anything like this when I started, so please read, absorb, and practice/utilize everything you can so you don't end up like me. Don't let it control you--you control it. Good luck.

[Domm]

i cut so that the urges dont get worse and i go over board as has happened in the past being hospitolized a few times but as gothham said u cant let the urges control you!

[krisakira]

I had a therapist last year who said to me that SI'ing was better for me to do than OD'ing. So that he praised me when "all i did was SI". although I'm sure he didn't really want me to SI, it was better than something worse. Not as life threatening i guess.

[Joshthefallenangel]

Wow and yes i have done si to avoid killing myself i have tried to kill myself twice or three times now i used to cut daily and now im downt to cutting every now and then

[whenwillitend]

I know that's not what you meant, but I do sometimes SI so I don't kill myself. sometimes it's either one or the other.
And yes, it does build up over time if I just ignore the urge. And then I get to the point where I just implode.

[Lizabelle]

I have experienced this a lot too. Often times I had to make the choice to SI or kill myself.
The urges are bad, but when you wait, it's worse. I really don't know what to say other than to urge you to go to a therapist (if you don't already have one), and to give you some of the coping mechanisms I use. Snapping a rubber band on your wrist, or holding ice cubes in your hand both work for me. They cause pain, but they don't leave permanent damage.
Hope this helps!

[splitimage]

It's been over a year since I last cut, but I still get pretty strong urges. I have definitely used SI to avoid doinng worse things like SU in the past. Also I've discussed this with my T, and we've discussed my actually using SI as a harm reduction strategy. I'm a recoverring alcoholic who is really struggling with wanting to drink. But when I drink it's to dangerous levels where seriously bad things happen. The only thing that gives me the same emotional release/numbness that drinking does is si, so I have my T's "permission" to si, if I ever get the overwhelming urge to drink as she knows I can si safely. Kind of perverse, but I like knowing the option is there.

--splitimage

[Catlovers141]

Thanks everyone! I was wondering why I had never heard about this happening even though it is something I have always experienced. Therapists in my experience have given coping mechanisms but haven't paid so much attention to the possibility (and therefore safety concerns) that could go along with trying not to SI.

[black_crow]

I know exactly what you mean.
I have been cutting for a year now and at first it wasn't as badd but now when I'm about to cut my thoughts are either cut my self or kill myself... thats how low I get with my depression...it sucks.
I'm supposed to start seeing a therapist soon and I would urge you to do the same before you get to the stage im at(if you ever do)
And if you ever need someone to talk to Im here

[smileytown]

Yes I know what you mean. I am a recovering drug addict and I used to use and SI and now that I am clean I sometimes si instead of getting drunk or high, but addiction is still addiction and I went 2 years with out si, and now that I did it again my craving are worse and stronger than ever. it was like I knew I liked it doing it, but I forgot how it made me feel, and now that monkey is on my back. I am just fighting the urges and trying not to start again. I think about it all the time, but whenever I feel things I want to cut about I just think I am building my tolerance for emotion pain.