Yikes

Saw my T tonight, thankfully. I have really missed him since I was there last Wednesday! I gave him a "trick or treat" tonight showing him polaroid photos of my legs, with all the scars old, new and those with scabs. I think he's coming closer to eventually forcing me into a hospital. He said that I am on a fine line. He explained that criteria for hospitalization is being a danger to one self or others, and that he didn't think cutting I do is suicidal, but that its "extreme". He feeled around the subject to get an idea of my impression on being in a hospital. I don't know how I would be towards it. It would depend on my mood, LOL. It wouldn't scare me as far as being with the other patients because I had clinical experience before at psych hospitals, so I am familiar and not frightened at all by others' behaviors. He seemed to kind of like that I at least wouldn't be stressed by exposure to others there. I know that my time is coming sooner or later. And whenever it does, it will likely be done on a mandatory and not by choice. He still wants me to join a group. I am afraid of groups. He gave me an "assignment" to actually pick up the phone and call this one place to get information on groups. I should have asked what the consequences would be if I didn't complete my assignment. Maybe if I'd tell him about me coming here to PC, he might consider PC a support group? I doubt it. It's more like virtual reality and not real life. I know he forgot about the one voice mail I left on his pager late last week saying that I'd love to go to the hospital and request an Rx to take 15 Xanax tablets all at once so I could take a good, deep sleep and not wake up for a few years when everything should maybe have passed over by then. He didn't say anything about that. He has said, though, that he has trouble understanding me when I leave messages. Plus with me being sick and my voice lately, that would be very possible.

{{{{{ Inky }}}}}

You need to do whatever it takes to keep you safe. You matter to a lot of people here and we worry about you. Please don't let anything stop you from getting the help you deserve. T wants to help you...let him if you can.

Take good care,

Petunia

My T had a really sweet, sad puppy dog look on his face when he was talking about all this. I need to thank him for his personality somehow, sometime. He is a keeper, definitely.

(((((((((((((((inky))))))))))))))))