[jennaorgana]

its funny how life goes; one minute you feel like the world is at your fingertips and the next minute you look down and those same fingertips filled with infinity are either slicing open your body, slamming a door on your wrist, or holding a frying pan burning to your thigh.*

why is self injury so hard to get over? why is it so hard for others to understand? why do i feel so alone?

anyone who has been reading my blog knows that i don't often talk about self injury, but when i do i make it count. it's hard for me to talk about hurting myself because i am that easily triggered, just thinking about it makes me itch to hurt. moreover, it is something that is generally so shamed, so looked down upon... how could i try to be a successful person in this world and still fight the demons of self injury?

the only time i ever really spoke to anyone who injured was in groups while living at mclean, but even then injurers were far and few between. i've always wanted a girlfriend who i could concede in, who i could unload all the pain and chaos and they would just look me in the eyes and say, I UNDERSTAND. LETS BE THERE FOR ONE ANOTHER.

i'd do anything to have someone to call and be real with. you'd think with all the therapy i've been in recently and all the people i've spent my days with that'd i would have found someone.*

but i feel so alone. still. wasn't residential inpatient therapy for almost a year supposed to help with that?

the reason i am bringing this up right now is because self injury is something that i am dealing with hard core right now. i am trying to cleanse myself, to strip away all the pain and chaos that comes with self injury, to pick that meat off the bone and start anew.. but i can't seem to do it.*

wendell has been trying his hardest to keep up. he pushes razors to the back of the bathroom cabinet and hides the kitchen knifes in places i can't see or reach. he is trying his hardest, and i AM thankful... i just wish he didn't have to try so hard.*

i'd love to know how other people feel about this, so let me know.*

[jennaorgana]

sometimes i feel that i am always there to talk to people while they need help here, but when i need it no one responds...

[Amoslass]

I'm here, jenna.
I am going through a similar thing, well, exactly the same minus the supportive partner. Mine is clueless or pretends to be clueless.

I am a bit unable to type right now...I am so numb.....I always am after, well, you know. I don't want to trigger you again.

But I'm here...crud, I already said that...but if you need to talk let me know. I'm on the other side of the planet though (literally, not just mentally) so the time difference may suck, but I can only try....

Be good to yourself ok? And I'll try too.

[Sannah]

Hi Jenna, I'll support you on your journey..............

[jennaorgana]

i have never felt so safe or at home than reading what everyone has to say back. thank you. amoslass the triggering thing is tough, i go through waves. do you feel the same way?

[JustWannaDisappear]

I haven't actually cut myself in 8yrs. I have ugly scars that I'm ashamed of, but I fight the urge almost daily. I find other ways to inflict pain without leaving marks. So I guess I can't say I'm really SI free. I'm glad you have a supportive partner. I don't let my husband in, or anyone really.

[coastalgirl0279]

I am on the verge. It started with an overdose that landed me in a mental health facility involuntary for five days. I think my time there made things worse. I was a nervous wreck when I came back to the real world. My head hurts, my stomach churns, and my hands won't stop shaking. And then, on occasion, it disappears. I have not "cut" but I find myself walking down the razor aisle wondering. I scratch with the head of a pin. It started as a way to release negative thoughts. What happened to me? Why does it feel like I am falling, and there is no one there to grab onto. I have to go through this alone. I don't have a strong family/friend support system. The only people who knows of my depression is my husband and best friend -- and even they don't know the entire truth.

[nannypat]

Jenna, I know of the place that you speak of. Been there a few times myself few years ago. I will check in here more often. I am always willing to listen/talk.