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#1
May 08, 2011, 09:54 PM
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I'm amazed at how easy it is to fall back into SI. It had been a long time, probably close to a year with only one period of SI in that time. I don't even remember when I started again, it was sometime in the last 2 weeks. Now I can't stop. It started with two cuts, which were easy enough to explain away. Now that my arms are raw with dozens if not hundreds of fresh cuts, it feels like I never stopped. Like I'll never be ABLE to stop. Like I'm not sure I even want to. Cutting works as well as if not better than any drug I've tried, and it's free, and it's private, and I can always do it, anywhere, any time.
I don't know how to stop or how to want to stop. I see my T tomorrow. I have been indicating on my diary card each day that I SI, but T hasn't even asked to see my diary card for the last 3 weeks so I don't know if she will ever know. I can't say "Well, btw, I'm cutting again..."  I am confused and hurt and frankly a little scared. This has a learning curve and one of the things I forgot was how sharp a shiny new razor blade is. I'm not quite sure I'm actually prepared to die just yet.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#2
May 09, 2011, 05:49 AM
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I can only send loads of hugs your way. I've been feeling very much like that myself lately. If I ever find a way out, I promise to share it with you
__________________
"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." ~Stephen King Dx Bipolar II Med-free for the time being |
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#3
May 09, 2011, 10:05 AM
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From what you have written elsewhere on this site, you have had a tough couple of weeks. Keep working Zooropa. You know that this SI is an area to start steering out of. Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#4
May 09, 2011, 07:35 PM
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(((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))
I'm sorry that you have fallen back into the trap of SIing for release. I hope that you tell your T. I hope that even if your T does not ask for your diary card you get it out and give it to her. You have been able to stop this behavior before. Please ask your T for help. 
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#5
May 09, 2011, 07:39 PM
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T didn't ask for my diary card today, but I gave it to her. Just wordlessly handed it over. She said "So, you're self-harming every day?" and that was pretty much that. I talked for a few minutes about how hard it is to stop, how easy it is to do, how well it works in the moment. Then she brought up the next thing on the agenda.
I didn't even really realize it until I left the session but I think I was expecting, or hoping for, her to talk to me about skills to use, or something. She did ask if I was trying to use skills before I cut. I said I was, because I AM, most of the time, and that a lot of times I just can't think of anything but one or two skills and I do them and it doesn't help, or I'm doing them wrong, or something. I told her all of that. I guess I'm saying that deep down I believed that if my T knew I was cutting again then she would be able to help me stop. And now I'm realizing that she can't help me stop. Nobody can. I will stop or I won't stop and it's just me alone, just like it is when I'm cutting. Not cutting is as private and solitary an act as cutting is. It just hurts a lot more. Cutting feels good and not cutting does not and all I want in the whole world right now is to feel okay.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
 FooZe
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#6
May 09, 2011, 07:40 PM
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Quote:
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#7
May 09, 2011, 09:49 PM
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I called my T and left her a message asking her to help me stop cutting. Or maybe I said, can you help me stop cutting? I'm just here, breathing, not moving to get the blades, not moving for anything, except to breathe.
well, and type. 
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#8
May 10, 2011, 08:29 AM
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((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))
I'm so proud of you!
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#9
May 10, 2011, 08:54 AM
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Got through the night without cutting. T didn't call me back and while that stings a little it actually feels good to know I didn't really need her last night after all.
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#10
May 12, 2011, 03:19 PM
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Congrats Zoo! That is great. I'm sorry your T didn't call you back. But I'm glad you were able to use your skills to get through this hard time.
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#11
May 12, 2011, 10:50 PM
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I did really good all week. I think the last time I cut was Sunday. Until tonight. I just...it got too quiet here (kids all gone) and I let the drugs wear off and didn't take more soon enough, and then I couldn't stop my brain once it started.
I cut my arm 100 times, all at once. I counted. I couldn't stop, until I got to 100 and realized if I kept going it would be a thousand. My arm opens like an accordion when I move it, like a folded fan, like gills. I am falling without a net. I am scared to death.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#12
May 13, 2011, 12:02 AM
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i am so sorry you've found yourself here. i wish i could pull you out. but i can't even do that for me. but i'd like to give you a hug, in this moment, if that was okay... i'm disapointed in your T, who doesn't seem to be reaching out to help you through this.
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#13
May 13, 2011, 12:05 AM
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my T is gone. Just...gone. Even when she's there she isn't there.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#14
May 13, 2011, 12:38 AM
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would it be possible to find a new T?
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#15
May 13, 2011, 12:46 AM
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in a word...no. I don't have the energy to even try to explain, but...I live in a rural area. I travel out of county to see my T because I need to be in DBT. There aren't any other options. My new "T" will be my public mental health case manager who is a social worker with a bachelor's degree and not a T at all.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#16
May 13, 2011, 03:11 PM
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Zoo! What are you doing!
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#17
May 13, 2011, 07:16 PM
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Trying to disappear, I think.
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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