Close to the edge! again UGH!!!!

WOW i can't believe this, its been about a few months since i have posted in here and now i'm heart broken and disappointed to say i'm back to that place where my way of copying is to SI.

I have done my very best to keep the deal that i made and i broke it once but felt so bad for doing it and she forgave me and said don't do it again.....well she has no idea just how much i'm hurting right now and the thing that comes to my mind is SIing to let me see red, feel it run down my arm, has its coming out my arm near my vains but thats just the bad thoughts that really want me to do it

Which do you listen to? Your Head or Your Heart? I'm battling with myself......if i listen to my head then it would be telling me go grab the sharpest blade and start to cut, no one loves you or even cares, you won't be missed, they will be glad to see you go and have a party and be so very happy with you not being around anymore and making them feel miserable. you are worthless and wasting peoples time......

I'm battling with others too......BUT if i listen to my heart then it would be telling me NO!!!! there are people here that love you and would be very hurt by it and don't want you to do this, they love you, they need you, you help them a lot, this would pain them like this pains you, keep them in mind and hold on to them has tight has you can till it passes.......

So which one do i listen too?? My head wants to win and is really for a fight but my heart is so hurt and broken and damaged its not feeling up for the fight and doesn't want to......

There is a person that comes to mind when i want to give in and well she asked me to hold on...keep hold of her....shes here for me.....i just don't know how much more i can take......

You can be very supprised at how much you can take, once you think that you can't do it anymore, wam, something happens and it helps more than you could have dreamed. Think of it this way, sometimes things don't go the way we planned, but have no fear, something is bound to go right.

So when you want to cut, think of something sooo much better, that you could see yourself doing, and then do that thing that is better, it could help.

The main thing is to follow your heart, do what it tells you, follow that and then you wont get in to far deep. keep your head up, things have to turn around sooner or later. (the sooner the better, think of things that would make the day even better.

How are you doing now? What you wrote about your heart and your head is very insightful.

Well done for posting on here. Do you have a T at the moment, can you talk about the things that you think may have led you to considering this as a way of dealing with the emotions? Take care of yourself. Let us know how you are. SD

Thank you for the comment, i'm just not happy within myself and well...theres no point sorry. i will live i guess and i have people here to help me. I have tried everything to stop me from SIing and it seems like im all out of them now has the ones that worked have started not to work for me. Thank you again for your comment

I have been running away from it and keeping myself surounded by people and i have had a week away so i haven't been here really. i only got home today and back here now. thank you for you comment sannah.

Thank you, yes i have a T right now, had to cancel my last appointment with her but i will be seeing her tomorrow. i dont really like talking to her and i feel its a waste of my time going to see her has she does nothing for me really. i am getting a new one and on the waiting list so till i see the new one i have to see her. oh well.....its life i guess. my doc has given up on me so i see no point in me carrying on really thats all but i'm not doing..im still here and fighting. right now i have no idea how i feel anymore...just too much going on and i have only just got back from being away so that says it all i guess. thank you for commenting and giving me advise and support. it means a lot to me that so for you all have.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this my Precious Special. (((hug))) I've been struggling myself, and not really able to be much help, but I hope you do know just how much I love you sis... look after yourself. Do you think this has been triggered by the way your life has changed recently? Suddenly having finished your course, and waiting on the next stage? That can be stressful... you know I'm always thinking of you.

Why don't you like talking to this therapist?

Thank you mgran, i will be ok...don't worry ok? I know you have been struggling and its been age since we spoke. It was really good seeing you in chat last night!! I know you love me sis.....i love you too!!!! I don't know mgran, there have been a lot going on right now for me including the changes that are happening. My auntie is out to destroy me and i'm doing my best but i'm getting sick of it. What ever happens.....happens. I know you are i think of you too!!

I don't like talking to her because she has given up on me and isnt really doing anything for me. really she is just seeing me till i get the "new" one because she doesn't want me to hide and she knows that i will if i dont see anyone. i stay home and dont go out if i have nothing to go out for so i guess shes watching me but doing nothing....its pointless really.

Did you 2 discuss this?

Yes we have talked about this and she agrees with me that its not working. she is meeting me untill i see a new one. i'm on the waiting list and b/c she is concerned she keeps me going to see her....i was told today when i saw her that she is leaving in August so i dont have long but she said she still wants me to see someone even if its not the one i am on the list to see b/c well idk really....she didn't like what i serguested so...but shes hoping that before she goes that i will get to see the new one so i dont need to start over and over...if you know what i mean