[agma]

I am currently struggling with the thought that it is my body, so why does it matter what I do to it? So, a little background on me.....I was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago. I have struggled with self-injury for the last 3 years. I have had two hospitalizations. Currently the urges to injure have been very frequent and very intense. I am to the point where I am having the thought of "Who cares, it is my body, I should be able to do what ever I want to it". The last time I had this thought was right before my last hospitalization. I am afraid if I don't get things under control, then that is where I might end up. I know that my husband doesn't want me to injure, and that is the only thing right now that makes me hesitate when I do injure. I don't want to stop injurnig for myself, I like the way it numbs me from all of the emotional crap I am feeling. However, I do want to stop injuring for my husband. Using my husband as a reason not to injure worked for a while, but I am starting to not care anymore. If I don't find a way to want to stop for myself, then I don't know how it will be possible for me to stop.

[Open Eyes]

Why do you dislike yourself? You want to punish yourself right? People do it in different ways, you chose cutting. What happened in your past that has caused you to punish yourself?

When your life get stressed or bad you Blame and Punish yourself. Why? There has to be a reason for that somewhere in your past. Talk about that here because that is what you have to address.

Just want to help.

Open Eyes

[nicoleb2]

I can really relate. This sounds just like me, except that my husband has not figured out that I am cutting again and I have been hospitalized 12 times in 3 years. I can't think of anything that would have caused me to do this. I really don't have any wise words, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

[agma]

Thanks for the responses. I think I cut because of the feelings that come about after I don't do something as well as I think I should. I have extremely high expectations of myself. I am a perfectionist. Even when someone tells me I did a good job, I tend not to believe it...I think they are just saying it to be nice. When I was growing up, my two brothers were often in trouble, so I took it upon myself to be the "perfect child" so that my parents would have at least one good child that they didn't need to worry about. Nothing I do is ever good enough in my eyes.....which leads to feelings of anger and failure, and thus leads to the cutting. What I am struggling with now is the fact that I don't care anymore....the cutting doesn't bother me anymore, and how do you change something if you don't think it is a problem (I am tired of everyone else telling me it is a problem). I am having the thoughts of "why should it matter....it is my body so I should be able to do anything I want to it". Some people choose to get tatoos or piercings, or whatever; I choose to cut. (Although lately I have had an urge to get a tatoo, but I think it would be more of an SI thing versus actually wanting the tatoo). I am glad I am not alone in this. By the way, my husband doesn't know that I have been cutting. He thinks I haven't cut in a year (I have gotten very good at hiding it from him). Although if things keep going the way they are, I am going to have to tell him so that if I do end up in a hospital, it won't be such a shock to him.

[Open Eyes]

agma, you are never going to be perfect, you are expecting too much from yourself.

You have to begin by giving up on the perfection, perfect house, car, cleanliness,hairdo, clothes, appearance. Yes that came from your past but let that go, it is amazing how much freedom you will feel. It is all in your own mind, you are just pushing too hard. That is such a waste and by cutting yourself you are only making your body carry scars that keep it from expressing it's natural beauty.

Perfect is the imperfections that are normal in life. Take a walk outside and look at nature, nothing is perfect, nothing. There is no such thing as perfect, you need to develope the perfection at being able to just let go. Say, I am perfect at just letting go. And it is often anxiety turned inwards which makes you punish yourself.

Perhaps you should take up bonzi trees and learn to cut and trim and manicure them. I hope you are getting therapy for this. It is not about harming yourself if you want to, it is about learning not to harm yourself because you want to, you have not learned how to get rid of anger and frustration yet. You need to find another outlet to do that.

Open Eyes

[~Christina]

Im new to this site but i feel pretty much the same way..
I am hoping my therapist and I can find a new way for me to cope or more so stop punishing myself for everything .. My husband also is the reason i havent cut since i got out of the mental hospital for cutting so deep i needed sutures 2 weeks ago...but i know that reason isnt going to last much longer. for me cutting is the way i cope with chronic pain of fibromyagia and bipolar along wioth personality disorder..
Your not alone if that helps at all