[agma]

I am struggling with very intense urges to hurt myself right now. I have already cut once today. My urge right now is very intense, and it is just to hurt myself in some way, whether it be cut, burn, or OD on meds. I am hoping that I can distract myself by typing this for a little while until the intensity decreases some.

Late Wednesday afternoon, I found out that one of the assistant supervisors is leaving to be a stay at home mom. I am happy for her, but at the same time I am extremely nervous because they said they weren't going to replace her for a while, and possibly never. I am already struggling to keep up with all of my job duties, and now I know that I am going to be asked to do more since she is leaving. I have gotten good at telling people NO lately, but I know that one of her job duties is going to become mine.

Thursday night, I had a dream that I was talking to my T, and she stopped me and said "That was a really bad example". I don't remember what I was talking to her about in my dream. That comment from her made me feel horrible, even though it was a dream, and I can't stop thinking about it.

Yesterday, my pdoc decided to switch me from Seoquel to Abilify. He is tapering me off the Seroquel and at the same time starting the Abilify. I don't know why, but I am very nervous about this med change. The Seroquel worked somewhat, but I had some side effects that I couldn't stand. I will be happy to get rid of the side effects of the Seroquel, but I am very nervous about how the Abilify will work for me. The last time that I tried switching meds, it didn't work, and I ended up in the hospital.

I guess I'm not really sure what I am looking for, so don't feel like you have to respond. I just needed somewhere to vent since I don't see my T until Friday.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Agma,

How you feeling now? You think you might want to talk to us and see if that will help you?

[agma]

The urges have let up a little, but I still feel like crap.

[Miss Laura]

You want to talk about it?

Do you think you can talk to anyone in RL?

[*Defeated*]

If you are still struggling, I have some ideas ... bear with me. (And no, I'm not crazy ... well, uh that doesn't really work here, huh?! :P

1. Go grab a t-shirt (preferably grey) and completely soak it in water.
2. Do NOT wring it out, then take it to the kitchen.
3. Do not let the t-shirt go.
4. Obtain 4 pieces of ice (2 for each hand and shirt)
5. Go to your sink WITH the ice and shirt.
6. Don't let go of the ice and stand JUST BEFORE your sink and wring out the shirt right there ON THE FLOOR just in front of the sink (trust me).
7. Don't let go of the ice.
8. When you can no longer wring out any water, hang the shirt up to dry.
9. Clean up the water that should be on your floor.
10. Hit me back when it's complete and I'll give you the purpose of this exercise.

[Miss Laura]

Hmmm... I am intrigued

[agma]

I don't think I can....I have an extremely hard time talking about things. My husband will be home soon, so I think I am just going to lay down and take a nap until he gets home. Thanks though.

[agma]

Defeated,
Thanks. I am going to go try it.

[Miss Laura]

Do you think you can talk to your Husband? If not maybe the t-shirt method will work I am intrigued to see the reason behind the madness lol

[*Defeated*]

[agma]

So, I tried the t-shirt thing, and I am actually feeling better...not sure exactly why. A couple things I noticed while doing it, making messes makes me smile, my kitchen floor is now clean, the ice in my hands did help with the urge to injure, and it was a good distraction. Defeated, I am curious as to what you are going to say the purpose of it was.

Miss Laura, I will try to talk to my hubbie....that is sometimes difficult for me to do; however, just not being a lone is always a big help.

[*Defeated*]

The purpose is that there is no purpose … well, kinda. I’ll explain.

It doesn’t matter WHAT the tasks are, just that they are fairly detailed, redundant, pretty ridiculous and take up a little time and then one of 3 things happens:

1. You read my post and muttered to yourself that I’m completely full of it and are sitting on your couch thinking how dumb I am.

2. You read through my post, thought about it, read it again and thought, this lady’s full of it but I wanna know WTH the point is.

3. You read through my post, thought about it, read it again, furrowed your brow and said, “I’ll try anything.” So, you read through the instructions again to make sure you’ve got it all in your head and you proceed onto the exercises.

Now complete, you’re replying to my post, inquisitive and wanting to know how that seemed to help. Well, even if you didn’t do anything but read my post, I’ll go out on a limb here and say it would’ve made you feel better anyway and for several simple reasons. The detail in the tasks stalled your current thinking and made you focus on something else (grey shirt, wet, water everywhere). That you actually completed the task took your mind away much further in that you had to follow all the directions, wonder why in the crap you’re dumping water a foot from your sink, and then having to clean it up. Your mind is elsewhere and you are safe.

BTW, are you still holding the ice?

[agma]

That makes sense. Thanks for the help . Now I am going to lay down and take a nap.....I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm sure it is because I am coming off the Seroquel. It will take me a few nights to adjust.

[*Defeated*]

Hope you sleep well and that your medication transition is successful. Hugs.