How do I keep going

I am having so much cutting urges, it is what i think about all day long. I have suicidal thoughts too. I sprained my ankle a week or so ago so I have way too much time to just sit and think.

The thoughts are based on the fact that I'm never going to get better (i am on the last possible med for depression according to my pdoc)

I should be able to control these urges by now

I am always going to be dealing with this, and I'm not sure i can muster up the energy needed for it.

So how do I stop theses thoughts?

i dont know , but there are many ways to try. Im not sure about saying your on the last possible med, dont give up hope do you do any talk therapy, or any other kind of therapy?
Have you tried mindfulness for the cuttung urges, i hear that they are having sucess with that as a form of cbt or brain training. I would recomend talking to someone who knows alot about it though.
I know these suggestions are made time and time again but what about art or journaling as a distraction or blogging online?
I know the thoughts can be overwhelming
Try to be kind to yourself
Xx

One thing to try... Energy Psychology, otherwise known as Tapping. Look it up on line, it helps with re balancing your energy in your body. It does take some time to deal with the big issues, but it can help. And it is something that you can do to calm yourself. but don't deal with the big issues right away. go small first. Good luck, and find a project to distract yourself (like research on Energy Psychology)

How is your therapy going?

Therapy is going ok. I go to regular therapy, DBT and another group therapy. I feel really frustrated caus I feel like i shouldn't be this bad after this much therapy and meds and hospitalizations

Actually you get worse before you get better. What you are doing now in therapy is examining what is inside and letting out the bad things that happened to you (hopefully this is what you are doing in therapy). This is not an easy task and it is very difficult but essential in order to heal.

In therapy, my T is still working on getting me to feel emotion. I push it all away because i can't handle it.
Now, my psychiatrist has given up on me and is passing me off on someone else

I'm glad that your T is helping you with this. What did your pdoc tell you about why you are switching?

Pdoc said there is nothing else she can do...
Had therapy today, talked to T about a lot of stuff, especially the fact that my dad died 14 years ago and my mom 4 years ago and I have not allowed myself to grieve because i am supposed to be the "strong" one.
I bawled the entire session

THis sounds like a productive therapy session.

that does sound productive, its painful, but you do need to let yourself express the grief.
be kind to yourself today, do something nice for yourself, even if its just having a quiet cuppa or soaking in a little sun.
Xxxxx

Haven't done anything for me today... spent lots of time with my kids and then went to a meeting about the powderpuff derby for my daughters girl scout service unit

hmmm well find some time for you ok. Sometimes my me time is time just hanging with my kids but other times i try take real me time.
Like if its sunny on my sons preschool day this week im gonna go to the beach and photograph the critters who live on the rock platform

As for being on the last med....get a new pdoc. I asked my pdoc, after 25 years of being sick and 20 years being on meds if I didn't sort of run out of pills to try. Was it hopeless? He told me no, it was not hopeless. That there a so many permutations and combinations of meds possible, that it would be hard to run out. He didn't think a person could, there were that many. He said it might be hard to find the right combination and even that someof the meds I tried in the past and didn't work, may work now with other, newer, different meds. So please don't lose hope. Find the pdoc that comes at this with a "We can do anything together and I will help you with all my knowledge, skill, and compassion. It WILL get better." You deserve at least that.