[Alg99]

I am on medication for depression, however in the summer I will often start up at the sun for periods, my eyes water like hell but I keep at it until they really hurt. I have been doing this on occasion for some time now, and have black spots in the vision of my left eye that do not move or go away. I think my mind must have got used to it, but my eyes are generally sore and uncomfortable.
i have not said anything to anyone about this, definately not my GP - I am not going to an optician in case they find something..... I am a bit scared but cannot stop myself.
Why am I doing this - does anyone know what I might have done or how I can stop making things worse.
I am doing well on my meds at the moment, so that is probably why I can write about it. But I was at the GPs last week and still couldn't mention it.

[Warrioress]

When did you start doing this? Is it preceded by any thoughts or feelings in particular? How do you feel about it afterwards?

Sometimes we just can't bring ourselves to talk about some things I suppose, but if you really can't stop on your own then you definitely need professional help, because it could seriously damage your eyes as you surely know. It's good that you've posted about it. It's a step, but I don't think we can help you much on here.

[IceCreamKid]

Please tell your doctor. It is dangerous to stare at the sun like you are doing.

[SoupDragon]

Self injury is hard to stop and it is hard to judge someone else's way of SI'ing if this is what staring at the sun is classified as.

But to me there is a huge difference in long term consequence of staring at the sun as opposed to cutting - one leaves scars on the skin, the other potentially scars on the back of the eye - I am no eye expert, but I think you may be putting your vision at risk if you continue this way of dealing with things.

I guess there's 2 things you could do:

1. Get some therapy to get to the root of why you do this
2. See an optician / doctor to see what those black spots are.

Well done for sharing this by the way and take care - SD

[Sannah]

Are you trying to punish yourself by trying to make yourself blind?

[Alg99]

Shite!
Feeling quite human at the moment - in fact frighteningly upbeat. Perhaps due to the changes in meds settling down. Really freaky feeling.
Coming back and reading these posts it is almost like a different me.
I now worry about the possibility that i am considered to be self harming - that had not been something that I related to before. In fact, the more I think about it the more I think it might be true... I have had times when all I want to do is have the volume on my music player as high as it will go because i like the pain and ringning in my ears afterwards - in fact it can easily make me sick!

I really do not understand what i am trying to do, but it does make me feel quite calm and isolated afterwards, so perhaps I am trying to remove myself from the rest of the world - that would be warm and comfortable.

Reading some of the posts on this forum has made me think - i have never thought of cutting in that way, but i can see the similarities....

[Alg99]

I feel really energized today - and frightened too -not sure how that works.
Have been dashing around like a mad thing,
Getting excited too cos I am going to meet my two great-nephews tomorrow.
One minute i am really excited, the next I am worried that i am going to do something stupid.
PLEASE can someone tell me what is going on! My hubby is saying that I am much better, and says the meds are working really well - I even smiled at him this morning.
But deep underneath I am worrie that I am going to hurt myself badly an I think I am looking forward to it.
WHAT CAN I DO?
WHY am I thinking like this - I never have before....

[Sannah]

I think that your doctor needs to know how you are responding to these meds.