My oldest just came home from college--- I found out he's hurting himself.
He told me last night that it makes him feel better when he cuts. I felt like someone had just taken my heart out and jumped all over it. ---- but at the same time I didn't show how upset I was--- as I didn't want my emotions to make him worse.

Please.... can anyone help me--- what can I say to him, as a mother?

He's very much a perfectionist, I'm thinking he might have some OCD. I'm so confused, he's never done anything like this before. Last week some friends had to hold him down to keep him from hurting himself severely. He's an "A" student and always follows rules-- this is so not at all like him.

Can anyone help......... I just don't know what to say.... I don't want him to feel worse.
I did suggest he try alternate things and to think of anything good that makes him happy--- or have a favorite picture nearby he can look at, or a favorite anything to help get past the desire to cut----- do you think it's OK that I said those things???

I'm so upset..... it makes me very sad
that he is so sad. I am trying not to put all the blame on myself--- as that's usually what I do--- I'm loosing the blame battle though----
just don't know what to do

Thanks in advance for any ideas, insight or support.

mandy

[Beautiful_Pain]

{{{{{Mandy}}}}}} So sorry to hear about your son, and that you are trying to take the blame. =( I have no words of advice, sorry...I still cut sometimes and I don't know what I would do if my Mom found out.

Be gentle with yourself

[Rapunzel]

That's hard. How did you find out? Did he come out and tell you, or did you find out another way? That might be a good indication of whether he's likely to be open to support from you. There really is no right or wrong answer because so much depends on how he feels about you knowing and what kind of help he needs or is willing to accept. If you can, try to let him know that you love him and want to support him and help him to heal (remember that cutting isn't really the problem - it's just how he's dealing with things).

Here's a great website that includes information for loved ones as well as general resources and stuff to help you understand self injury: The Coccoon: Self-Injury Pages

You can always come here, or PM me, if you have more questions. You don't have to face this alone.

Rap

[Rapunzel]

One thing I want to add. Being an A student and following the rules are quite compatable with self-injury. A lot of us are high-functioning, intelligent, well-meaning people who don't want to hurt anyone else, but we have to cope somehow and this seemed like a better alternative to us than some of the other ones out there.

[Lexicon78]

If he's hiding it from everyone it will be quite difficult to approach him. If he is defensive about cutting, as I always am, just tell him you're there for him and that you love him. If he's open to other ways of coping try suggesting anything that will keep his mind and hands very busy when he's upset. Some ideas are: cleaning (scrubbing or wiping anything works best), typing (like in a live journal, here at PC, on other forums about what's troubling him so much), writing (stories, journaling, poetry, etc.), playing sports, doing schoolwork to keep his mind busy (often I do homework, redo it just to keep my mind busy and off the cutting), dancing, talking to someone he trusts and who will support him and not tell him what he's doing is wrong or who will criticize his actions, and other things like this. For me, the worst thing anyone has ever done was try to criticize my cutting, told me to stop cutting, and yell at me or punish me for doing it. This only made the situation worse. Only he can make the decision to stop or try to refrain from doing it.

Hang in there, it's not your fault, and stay supportive of your son. He needs you very much right now, even if he does not open up to you. Just being there, letting him know that you are always there for him through thick and thin will help immensely.

Thanks Beautiful_Pain, for your reply---- I really appreciate it. I'm so sad for my son.

I'm sorry you still cut sometimes- if you ever need to talk you can PM me anytime.

And please-- you too, be gentle with yourself--- you are a kind and caring person.

Thank you again,
mandy

Rapunzel,
I found out by him telling me-- we have always had an open relationship-- I think, at least I hope, he trusts me and feels comfortable to talk with me about his troubles. I have attempted to make my relationship with my children totally opposite of how it was with my mother. So, I talk with my kids about anything and everything they want to-- without judgements.

I wonder if the fact that he goes to college so far away from home has anything to do with all this........I had no idea he was in such distress--- school security involved and the resident therapist even-- of which, he has called me and we talked a bit. He wants my son to go on medication-- anyone know if medication will help with this??

Yes, that's a good point--- "cutting isn't really the problem- it's just how he's dealing with things"--- thank you for reminding me of that.

Thanks also for that website-- I will take a look as soon as I get the chance.

And thanks too for the offer to PM- I might take you up on that. I really appreciate your reply.

mandy

Lexi,

Well, he's not hiding it from everyone-- so maybe that's a good sign??

Thank you so much for the coping ideas-- I will pass them on to him.

I'm so sorry that you have been criticized for your cutting-- that hurts, I understand. ( No one in my family knows this... but I used to, when I was in my early teens--13 to 14 years old, scratch myself with sticks-- my mom told me how horrible I was for doing that---it just caused me to hold everything inside myself and to feel alone--instead of being supported and feeling accepted.)

I sure hope all this isn't my fault-- but somehow I feel there must be something I did to cause this. Maybe I should ask him-- you think??....... If there is anything I did or said that made him feel like hurting himself.

Thanks so much Lexi for your supportive reply-- you have been so kind. I appreciate it.

mandy

[tamzinrose]

Um...I don't have that much experience in this, and I might be totally wrong, but when my mum found out and she started trying to blame herself that just made me feel worse. Because in my case it had nothing to do with her and it just made me feel so bad that she thought that, and I admit I was kinda mad at her too for being that...self-absorbed I guess. Because I didn't want attention or anything, but she found out her youngest daughter was cutting herself and just immediately went into "I'm a bad mother" mode, which I couldn't handle on top of everything else so just got really defensive and carried on cutting...just a word of warning maybe...

Thanks tamzinrose, I think that's a good warning.

Although, I have not and will not, let my son know how his self harming is affecting me personally. I don't want-- like you said-- the attention to go to me---- I feel he needs all my total attention and I don't want the focus on me.

I was just stating my feelings here on the board-- I don't think it would be right to put my feelings on my son.

However, that is something to keep in mind for anyone that has a loved one that self-harms.

I'm sorry your mom caused you to feel defensive and that you carried on cutting. I'm wishing you inner peace and healing.

Thanks for your reply.

mandy

[tamzinrose]

I hope you sort things out with your son.

thanks tamzinrose--- you are so sweet-- I hope we can sort things out too.

Please be kind to that great person that is you.

mandy

[hereiam]

2b1 - First I want to say I'm sorry about the difficult time that both you and your son are going through. It can be really rough knowing that someone you love so much is hurting themselves, and not loving themselves as much as you think they deserve. If I were you, I'd be completely open and honest with him. Don't corner him or make him talk, that could scare him. Maybe call and make a therapist appointment for him, and then let him know later. Let him know you understand that he's going through a very difficult time and things must be really rough for him. Slip him the card with the appointment on it, say it's up to him if he wants to go or not. Things like that. That's what I'd do, but we are all different and I'm sure you know what would/wouldnt work for you and your son much better than I.

But I also want to say that I am too a "grade A" student. I have wonderful friends, my parents are together, I go to a great and respected university...however these are also traits of a typical self-injurer. Please please please don't blame yourself for this. That's a reason I never told my parents, because I knew that they would blame themselves 110% and nothing I could say or do would convince them that it wasn't their fault. It only makes the self-injurer feel much MUCH worse to know that they are hurting someone they love - which is usually what they are avoiding in the first place.

I sincerly hope that you and your son can work something out. He's incredibly lucky to have a mother like you that cares so much and is so understanding...