[Nemo39122]

...pretty sure I'm there. The thing is, I don't think it bothers me. It should, but it doesn't. The only thing that bothers me is that it should bother me but doesn't, if that makes any sense. I don't want to stop. Things were even worse before. I know this is not a good thing, but I don't care. I don't feel any of it. I don't want to feel any of it. It seems like this is me. Pretending not to be self-destructive feels fake and just makes everything worse.

I can't avoid it, even for one day. Even if I feel fine, I can't avoid it. If I do, I start to feel horrible again. It's like I'm keeping myself numb. I don't even think about it...I don't think about wanting to, I don't have any thoughts that maybe I should try to avoid it....nothing.
I haven't hurt myself so far today. I could try not to. I just have to get myself to try, and I don't know if I can. It rarely even crosses my mind to try.

***Triggering***
On a bit of a side note...I'm starting to feel like I should hurt myself worse. (I don't mean suicide, I mean SI worse.) I get frustrated and even angry when I feel like it wasn't bad enough. That part worries me a little. I always thought that I could keep it from getting too bad...but I also thought that I would never start again, so I really can't trust myself anymore.

Anyway, I'm not sure why I made this thread. I guess I just had to say that.

*hugstightly* Nemo...aww it's ok. I understand where you are. Sorry you're having a rough time. Wish I had the right words to say...just anything to help you get through the night. Please try your best not to do anything too drastic. I know your SI is your safety net, but I don't want you to endanger yourself. Try doing some distractions...anything that will keep your mind occupied on something other than SI. It can be hard, but it isn't impossible. *hugs* again...take care. I'm here if you need a friend 8)

[nicoleb2]

I can totally relate. I need to do it, to keep myself grounded, to keep the emotions at bay. To get through the day.
I can also relate to wanting to hurt worse. I always thought I had thing under control, but I keep going deeper and deeper every time i cut...

[Sanada]

Hello Nemo..

Hang in there with the thoughts of the trigger, what triggers. Find a 'key'. The need to cut is something I lived with every day for so many years. It was never suicidal, never was I - or have I been truly suicidal. It was ...1 - a way to sleep. 2 - a way to find a release of the pain inside. 3 - an addiction. 4 - a way to punish myself for my own miss-adventures (how ever that need to interpritated), I was (and still am a good soul), but I for some reason needed to cut.
Once I begun I found what you are talking about. The not caring part of the actual act of cutting. Its been many years since I have felt the way I do now thanks to you all here in PC.

I do understand the addictive qualities of cutting, its really hard to not cut when in dispair. I have faith that we need not cut, you here in PC has helped me in ways in could never imagine.
I don't cut anymore for you, for friends, for members here (and guests); and 'For Myself.

Please take care Nemo.
See you soon.
*hugs*.
S

[Sannah]

What is going on Nemo? What is causing your urges?

[Nemo39122]

Originally Posted by Sannah

What is going on Nemo? What is causing your urges?

I'm not sure what's causing it...I don't even think about why anymore. Maybe what caused me to start again is the same thing triggering me now. The reasons I started again were just because I didn't think there was any reason to avoid it. I just didn't care anymore...still don't. I sometimes think it was the only way to keep me from doing anything worse.

[Sanada]

Hey Nemo.

Hold on to the beauty of your self and body. We are living temples (for want of a better phrase).
What ever is triggering you, try to think that the trigger is never better than your own self mind. Your self mind / persona is the one in control. A trigger is a trick, a trick to make us think we need another soloution to find the realese of the trigger.

Please try to see the trigger for what it is.......a trigger, like on a gun. Who pulls it, you or the society around you. I believe, and i hope that you know that you hold the key to the control on who is in control of triggers. It seems society is trying to fck us up, that may be the case, but we can rise above the trigger/society/life/family/self worth/whatever it is that pulls the trigger.......you are in control Nemo.

Dont let the world drag you down.
Dont let society cast its gloomy gaze upon you.
Dont let your doubts , make you doubt.
Be you, and be proud.
.

I do hoped this helped.
S