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#1
Sep 01, 2011, 04:08 AM
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The title is a great country song about pro bull riding. I just got my finger smashed and it hurts like hell, but I'm enjoying it.
In highschool and college I found myself engaging in high risk behavior in what seemed like an attempt to get hurt. And it was all to feel a pain greater than what I was goin through emotionally. To get sweet release from the demons in my head. I polevaulted in highschool and wanted nothing more than to snap a pole. One meet I ended up going straight up and coming straight back down, falling 12 feet and landing on my butt in the metal box. I just got back up and took two more jumps like nothing had happened. I picked up bull riding in college and got injured a lot: dislocated shoulder, my leg stepped on, bad concussion and neck trauma. We used to play with fire and dance inside bonfires for fun. At one point I had just had a bad concussion and then redislocated my shoulder. This led to binge drinking and the pain coupled with drunken mania sent me full blown manic and I ended up in the hospital. But I enjoyed my stay there. I've also always been a fan of the pinch of a needle stick. I found sweet release in getting tatoos because while the artist is poking away, all I feel is that needle and nothing else. It's a truely amazing feeling. I even become sexually aroused to some forms of pain. However, I've never intentionally hurt myself, that would be too easy. Anybody else get off on the pain?
__________________
BIG changes on the horizon  Hopin' it all goes well... Oxcarbazepine: 300mg 2x/day Fish Oil, Vitamin D3, Magnesium, Lipitor, BEta-Blocker |
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#2
Sep 01, 2011, 10:46 AM
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This is what SI is all about. The pain releases endorphins which improve your mood. All of the addictions are about this - releasing endorphins which improve your mood.
Are you working on how you are feeling in therapy? If you work on why you are feeling bad then you won't need pain or alcohol to improve your mood.
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#3
Sep 01, 2011, 07:28 PM
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To be honest, I have not been at all open with my pdoc. His psychotherapy every 3-4 months is the only treatment I am currently receiving beyond meds. The thing is I'm not feeling bad. I use the alcohol and the other sources of pain to cancel out the physical pain I am already feeling. Sometimes I do get down, and that's when I crawl into the bottle of a whiskey bottle. But this weekend, for example, I was home and excited to see everyone and feeling awesome, so I drank the majority of a half gallon of whiskey and didnt even realize it.
I'm so torn as to what issues I am facing. I've only been diagnosed with BP and have not been open enough with any of my therapists so far as to let them now the other things going on in my head. My plan is to get my money's worth this next visit, and unload the whole ugly truth to my pdoc. I'm just afraid he'll think this all just happened overnight and want to up my meds or something and that's something I'm not ok with
__________________
BIG changes on the horizon Hopin' it all goes well... Oxcarbazepine: 300mg 2x/day Fish Oil, Vitamin D3, Magnesium, Lipitor, BEta-Blocker |
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#4
Sep 02, 2011, 10:18 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#5
Sep 02, 2011, 07:17 PM
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Oh I will. The last time the got my meds too high i almost failed out of college, so that will not be happening again. not about to lose my job cuz im so doped up i cant get out of bed
__________________
BIG changes on the horizon Hopin' it all goes well... Oxcarbazepine: 300mg 2x/day Fish Oil, Vitamin D3, Magnesium, Lipitor, BEta-Blocker |
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#6
Sep 06, 2011, 09:01 AM
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Good luck and keep us posted?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#7
Sep 07, 2011, 06:08 PM
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Will do. see my pdoc the end of this month, so i'll let y'all know how it goes
__________________
BIG changes on the horizon Hopin' it all goes well... Oxcarbazepine: 300mg 2x/day Fish Oil, Vitamin D3, Magnesium, Lipitor, BEta-Blocker |
 Sannah
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