[Taonuviel]

I haven't had the temptation to cut for 5 years... but it's back, and so strong, along with my desire for suicide. I don't get it... I don't understand why I actually want these things... they've always been bad coping skills in the past, but now they're desires. I've never wanted them before...

I just want to curl up and rock and pray and cry and pretend this isn't happening...

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((( Tao )))))))))))))))

It's hard and scary when SI and suicide are something you want even so that you stop fearing it anymore. But I'm afraid I don't have any answers, I just try to get through it as well as I can. I'm sorry things are so tough for you.

((((((((((Tao)))))))))))

Recovery is such a long hard road. Yet....You have conquered it once. I know you can do it again. Hugs and so much support.

[Taonuviel]

Thanks...

But I've never conquered it... the temptation to cut was never very strong (certainly not this strong...), and wore away the first time. I barely did it at all. And suicide... that's haunted me non-stop since I was 10-12...

It scares and overwhelms me...

[Rapunzel]

You have survived it though, and that's something.

Is there something that you are struggling with in your life right now? How is the weather where you are? This is a difficult season of the year. If winter lasted longer than it did, I would be in trouble. I've tried to get outside in the afternoon and get some sunlight and exercise, but at this point all I want to do is sleep. Could this be a seasonal thing for you too? If it is, there is treatment - sunlight, exercise, light therapy, medications, psychotherapy, St. John's Wort. I don't remember which of these you have tried or not, but just some options for you to consider and maybe talk to a professional about.

TC,
Rap

[Taonuviel]

Thanks... but it's certainly not seasonal... it's every day of the year; gloomy or sunny, freezing or warm, clear, raining or snowing. Life's been a constant struggle (literally, I'm really not exaggerating) since we moved when I was 8. I can't find a way to handle it...

[Rapunzel]

The suggestions that I made above have also been shown to help with non-seasonal depression, so you could still try them even though your problem isn't seasonal. I don't only have depression in the winter either, but that's when it gets the worst.

Even when you're always there, so you might kind-of expect it, it can be a shock when you realize that it's worse than it has been, can't it? I don't know what else to offer you, but I do hope that you feel better soon, and keep on rising from there.

Rap

[Lexicon78]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. I remember when my urges came back. I was one that was never good at relationships. When I started dating after I graduated, that's when it all came back. I had a nice 2 or 3 year vacation from it all.

It's funny, but I don't even know how I even stopped. I just remember when it started back up. Sometimes now I think that it'll never stop for me and that nothing will ever ease these urges.

I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in this.