[Penny T. StDuhnam]

Hi, I'm relatively new but I'm already jumping in with both feet. I have PTSD and, at times, feel so frustrated at home. I'm a single mother with three kids in my home, full time job and severe pain from endometriosis; I struggle.

I started meds again 4 weeks ago (celexa and trileptal) because I was having trouble coping which ends up with me going behind closed doors and hitting myself. I mean punching, slapping, banging against a wall because I just can't punish myself enough when I get to that point. Then I loath myself for getting there.

Well, I've had less loss of control but I'm back at it. It started last night and I had another episode this morning. Twice the hits were so hard that I heard ringing.

Things that are a direct result of me! I'm horrible at remebering to take the meds regularly; I HAVE to correct that!

Also, I think this big relapse is coming due to my now ex-boyfriend physically abusing me in July. Since then I've had more flashbacks, been in constant state of fear and am pushing people away.

I realize and understand this is bad. I shouldn't literally beat myself up but I don't make the right choice when it matters. Now I'm all balled up and scared, confused and full of anger.

P

[Sannah]

Hi Penny, welcome to PC. Do you have a therapist? Sounds like it is hard for you to give yourself any slack. You have a lot going on. It would be hard. You don't need to punish yourself for being normal.

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

No, I don't. It's crazy ironic. I had a severe, I guess depressive episode back in FEB. so, I call GP and he refers me to a T close to my job. Only problem is that T doesn't take my insurance. I call GP back and it is back in my court to find one. Trouble is finding one close to where I work or one close to home with evening appts. I've tried a few times but even that process has proven too tough for me to navigate. I even called the local 211 who connected me with the mental health person in my county who had trouble finding me a T that takes my insurance and has hours I can do.

I'm at exhaustion. I do need to get a T, I'll try again today. I just put things off because the things that are immediately happening overshadow planning. My mind is bra-O-ken. It's like I need a hand holder!

I know my life with its natural stress makers is tough but people do it every day without trying to literally kick their own but! Just seeing it in print makes me sick. I wish I had the wherewithal to bring about REAL change or healing.
Thanks for your reply.

[unaluna]

Does your insurance have a list of their T's? try their website if they have one, or call them. Good luck, and I like your posts (other threads, I mean; I'm sorry about these issues), and welcome to PC.

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

I knew what you meant, hankster, I wasn't offended. Im glad you enjoy them, it's close to being liked! . And if you can like after the laundry spilling I'm going to be doing, that's AWESOME! The general population in my real life don't understand me, hell, I don't. I quit talking to normal people.

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

The insurance does list out on their website. I've visited but haven't dialed. I wish I knew why I procrastinate because I love the feeling of getting something done.

[Sannah]

Maybe you procrastinate because you don't want to have to face things in therapy?

[alwaysrejoice]

I have given myself black eyes before and slapped myself. it's really hard to explain why you have a black eye to your co workers! pm me if you ever want to talk.

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

You know that may be true.

Well, time to add more stress to the plate! My 11 year old is having issues at school! He's an A/B student but missed turning in two assignments. He has anger issues (I'm thinking my PTSD is rubbing off). Feel like crying but lm at work and have to play the part of a sane person!

[Sannah]

Is your son able to talk about his anger?

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

No, he just 'turns off' and tries to leave the room. I try all different approaches and, I think, he's me in another body. How that happened, I don't know.

[Sannah]

Maybe you need to show him a different way then? (He learns by watching you?)

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

No, not very well. I try to get him to talk. Sometimes he does and others he doesn't. He, at times, will 'talk' but it's through gritted teeth and an obvious anger (I have a hard time seeing him angry).

P.S. I'm still reeling over my outburst. My right temple is still hurts and acroos the front of my forehead (just lumpy and painful to the touch). It validates my feeling of being a broken person and brings hopelessness to the forefront.

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

Why are my thoughts so heavy? I watch TV but never see the show; my mind is replying tidbits of my latest fit. I cannot absolve myself and therefore never free.

On a positive note, I took my medication. I'm nearly a week behind. How can I be so irresponsible! And I can only imagine how missed doses magnify my aggression towards myself!!

[Sannah]

If you have a hard time seeing him angry this is going to affect him.

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

I try to be so patient and understanding but it can be overwhelming. I know he learns from me and I've come along way, however, he's already been exposed to my unsavory behaviors. (it's been a ROUGH 5-6 years; ex-spouse court martial, divorce, two moves)

We've been on the mend and working on anger issues and expressing emotions. He's done a wonderful job! Really! He just has minor set backs and I have to work extra hard not to complicate his process.