[someja]

When I first met her a year and a half ago, I stopped her from commiting suicide, I didn't know I'd done it till this year, but I had stopped her, I made her truly happy.

But recently her parents divorce and Christmas and everything is getting to her, she seems okay one minute, then the second she hears a depressing song, or see's her lighter/blade thats it, she goes into some trance, and it completely takes over her, I try to remind her of the good things, to calm her and convince her to cuddle me (I live in England, she lives in America, I get her to cuddle the pillow and it ALWAYS stops her urges) but nothing works, as soon as she see's it or hears the music, she's not herself.. it's like it posesses her.. it's takes over her and she starts to forget everything, her love, her happiness.. it just goes.. I don't know what to do. I stay there and I do what I can afterwards, I spend as much time as possible to calm her down and bring her back to me, to release the control it has over her. I just don't know what I can do, I asked her if she could hide them, if she could try not to listening to any songs like that, but as soon as it comes across her mind, or something makes her upset and she doesn't talk to me about it, thats it. Game over.

She takes her light and blades with her incase she "needs" them, I explain why she doesnt, but she doesn't listen, she can't shake the feelign that even though I'm there to talk to her about it, how I'm all she needs, she stills thinks that she needs it. I tell her all the thing she can do to distract herself, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I just don't know what to do..

Please help.
Samuel

[SallyBrown]

Samuel,

I can hear the desperation and sadness in your words. I'm so sorry this situation is so hard.

First, you're not alone and I'd strongly suggest you seek out support groups or online forums for people whose partners suffer from mental illness. I know that knowing he isn't alone has helped my husband a good deal.

Second, one thing you say really worries me -- that you're "all she needs". Who says this? Is it you, or her? Because it's wholly untrue. Your girlfriend really needs to be in therapy. From what you say it sounds like she may say that therapy won't help, that she just IS this way, but that isn't true. That's something I used to think... and now I know I am not the person who freaks out or sleeps all day or self-harms, etc. Those things were symptoms, not character traits.

This kind of ties into another thing that worries me, which is that it doesn't seem like she wants to stop (although correct me if I'm wrong about that, it's just hard to tell). There's no shame in not feeling ready to stop, but there needs to be a long-term goal of finding other ways to deal with the pain.

I'm glad you're so willing to try to help her. But don't feel bad that you alone can't "save" her. You are clearly doing everything you can. What she needs someone who is trained to deal with problems like hers. My husband and my therapist have two different roles in helping me deal with depression, and they are both really important -- but they're different. It's like if I had any other type of illness... my husband would provide one kind of support, and whatever specialist I would need to see would provide another. But neither one can be both things.

Please take care of yourself and do seek some support for your own self. And urge her to see a therapist -- if the only thing she needed was someone loving to talk to, she'd be getting better, because you seem like a very loving partner. But she's not, and that means there are underlying problems best handled by a professional.

[SoupDragon]

Hi someja,

I agree with SallyBrown's post - it is great that you care so much about her, but she sounds like she needs some professional help to get through this.

I think it can be easy to forget about your own needs when you have a partner who is suffering, but please don't forget to take of you too - you are important in all of this as well as your girlfriend.

Take care - Soup