Passing Time

I'm just typing now to pass the time and to keep me from picking up that razor blade. I tried going to bed early to keep from feeling this way, but I ended up waking 2 hours later and sick to my stomach, panicky, nervous. The same feeling that always proceeds the event. I think the only reason I won't do it tonight is because of my three year old son. Last time I cut only once on my arm, so it could easily be written off as a simple scratch. But the boy fussed over it until it healed. Asking, "you okay? You need a bandaid and cream? Boo Boo hurt?" ugh, I felt so bad. My husband asked, "you aren't cutting again are you?" I brushed him off, "pssh no." I was embarrassed I did it over something that seems so stupid. I can't do it again because then he'll know...especially since it would be followed by the fight we had today. I just need to go to bed. I don't want to see him. I want to be asleep before he gets home from work, but I doubt my mind will let me.

i think you should talk to someone like a therapist because that way you won't cut anymore so you won't have to deal with any new scars

Thanks. I know I need a therapist, but I can't afford it. I honestly think it was my crappy marriage that caused me to cut. I've had one more episode since this posting, but that is just because I couldn't handle one more day of my depressed husband laying in bed while I did everything. I lost it. But we are separated now, and feel like it is helping.

If that's what was best then I'm glad you made that separation decision. It's time to think about you and your kids well being. Hope you are doing ok