Rest in Peace

I last cut November 14, 2005. I was put on Adderall XR, and much to my T's surprise the cutting and urge to do it stopped. I've missed it, especially the past month or so. It worked! It served the purpose better than other (maladaptive) coping skills. I restricted my eating and lost 15 pounds or so, but it has never been enough. It's not immediate relief. I want to feel the pain and see the damage being done.

So last night I did it. I didn't have that crazed urge to that I did before; this time I just *Wanted* to. I wanted to really badly because it was something to do. The real urge wasn't there, just a huge want. I left 3 voice mails for my T last night night--one, then another about an hour later, then my final one about an hour after that. The last one was to tell that I did it. I didn't do much, not as much as I could have and would have like to. Finally my third was a good one--short, but deep. That's where I stopped. That one satisfied my need.

I am worried that I am getting back into this and how can I possibly explain to pdoc or my primary?! What about all the scars that I still have, and still reddish/pink? I can't go into a pool and if I have scars like this at summertime, I won't be wearing shorts again either. How am I supposed to admit to these docs about cutting again after all that time without doing from going on the Adderall? I told T in one of the voice mails last night, "I have a right to do it after all this time, don't I?!" I want to believe I do. He won't think so. Wish I didn't have to wait so long to see him next. He's booked for appointments this week so I have another week to go.

From the sounds of it though, this isn't the same as when you usually cut. From how you describe it, you cut just because you missed the feeling of it, kind of like a withdrawal I suppose. You might also have cut just for something to do. You know how some ppl eat to fill an emotional need such as boredom etc? Maybe you decided to cut to pass some time, and since you could do it and you missed the action of doing it, you did.

I really don't have anything to say except that I know how hard it is to not cut. I don't have anything keeping me from cutting, no meds to ease the urge or anything like that, but I can really relate to missing that cut.

I'm here if you need anything.

I was stressed at the time. It wasn't caused by any one thing in particular, but more like a reaction underneath to current happenings with my kids/ex-husband due to poorly adjusting to some things a few years ago. Back then, I had a PTSD reaction to my ex-husband because of things he did to me. My child's psychologist made a quick judgement call and told my ex to keep the kids with him because of my little crisis. Doesn't make sense, I know, but T's logic in that was he questioned my daughter for the standard reasons to see if anything came out that her dad might have abused her too, but nothing came out. He wanted to be sure that I was okay and not disociating or something, so he instructed my ex to not let me be alone with the kids. I never got over that. I had my kids last weekend and some things have been going on. After I dropped them off back at their dad's, and with thinking of some of the other things, I am unsure how to describe my emotional status. It was a different feel for wanting to cut, like I said, from how it was before the Adderall. I have been missing it lately. It worked. I've been anxious (or worried/sad/?) about some things, but I think the thoughts of wanting to cut over the weekend had overridden my emotion as like a way to numb things? I don't know. Hard to describe.

I saw my T last night. He was ok about it when we talked. He got my voice mails the night I did it. I was kind of scared wondering how he would react, but I was happy to go in and be there--and relieved/pleased with his reaction. He's good. Always has been, and very non-judgmental. He won't see this, but {{{{{{{{{{{{Thanks, T}}}}}}}}}}}}}