So Im New here, with an old issue.

I have self harmed on and off for 10 years. It was a regular thing when I was in middle school and early high school but i managed to stop, well I substituted in a different habit, but since college a couple years ago I started agian, and this time much worse. I feel like every time I cut it gets worse, it gets more out of control, but at the same time its the ONLY way I have control in my life at all, its the only way I know what Im feeling because Im causing it, its my choice. No one ever knew until I tried to stop by telling one of my friends 2 years ago but she ignored it, so I thought, oh maybe it wasnt such a big deal after all if she wasnt concerned. But I scared myself the other night, and I scared myself again today, and then tonight I was just sitting thinking about it for hours, and though I managed to not do it, I know as soon as Im alone, I might not be able to handle my own head. I know its wrong, I know its not healthy, I know the possible consequenses. I also know Im not sure I can stop because Im just so...me, and its dark and quiet even when its not...

~Mirror~

Hi Mirror, welcome to PC. Do you have a therapist?

Im so sorry you've had to battle with this for so long - and without much help i gather either. Have you been diagnosed with any mental health problems? Remember you don't have to be mentally ill to experience mental illness. There may however be something at the bottom of your self harming behaviour so i would definately go and get assessed and if you already know whats wrong you might want to ask for a review of the situation? on the other hand you may have no other recognisable health problems and have simply come to rely on this method as a means of coping - its not wrong, as you said, its the only way your managing to deal with some very overpowering emotions and now that you recognise the problem is getting worse you've found the courage to open up about it and hopefully from here you will try and get some help. Perhaps you could keep a diary of all the feelings leading up to you harming? you might then be able to recognise a pattern and start thinking about what might help you avert your attention when things get tough. In the meantime i would keep talking on here whenever you need to and perhaps check out the threads listing a load of methods you could use to substitute your current harming techniques or at the very least make the experience less harmful. Message me if you need to talk. Good luck hun