[WePow]

So I have a ton of stuff right now going on but I cut deeper than ever on my chest tonight. It is ok because it is on the breast bone so it can't be too deep. But for me, it was the worst so far.

I have some crap at work I have to go into tommorow and I could not even tell my boss how it was making me stressed. I just told him in our mtg today that everything was "just fine" ... I have always been able to be mostly honest about things with him. And I told him one thing that was a risk which I may regret. But I could not tell him about how his stupid project made me feel like banging my head into the wall as hard as I could. And I would have today but I went upstairs to my secret spot and there were people there hanging out. I was SO MAD at them for being there and I wanted them to leave so I could do my thing and maybe get lucky enough to do it "hard enough this time".

So since I could not do that, I came home and cut instead. I don't know what I need right now. I just feel all the stuff is finally comming to the surface and it feels like it is going to explode but I can't allow that so I turn it on myself instead. At work after I could not bang my head I started working on one of the many projects my boss demands we get done in addition to our real jobs which keep us slammed. I even stayed over after work and did that because therapy was canceled since my T is sick. I never stay over at work unless I can't avoid it. I was in a odd state of "FINE! I will do this!" and then by the time I got home and after I talked to my mom again and she said my dad was still having issues with health today that are not normal... I had to do SOMETHING to get rid of what I have inside that is locked up pressing inward.

I want to go cut some more right now. I want to cut as deeply as I can and every single place on my body !!!! I know my T would tell me to go ground and I tried doing that with good smells when I got home but it made me furious instead of helping.

So I thought I would write it out here and just see if anyone else could relate. Two more waking hours. Will take some sleeping pills in a few min to help knock myself out so I don't have to go into the night in this state. I wish I could get perscription sleep pills but I would only abuse them. So I know I won't let myself ask for them. I just need to move through this phase.

(((Wepow)))
I don't have any great advice but I can relate. Because it's you (and not me) I feel sad for your cutting. I understand it, though. Please try to stay safe.

[BleedingDestruction]

I don't have advice for you either Sadly, there is no magical 'STOP SI NOW' button... That would be nice, huh? I understand why you are doing what you are... I wish no one SI'ed... So much would be better...

[Gr3tta]

Thanks for sharing this WePow. I'm doing a really bad job of resisting the temptation to engage in self destructive behaviors right now as well. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of my stressors are stemming from work. I do a great job of putting on my "professional personality" while I'm there, but then I crash at home and spend every moment I'm NOT at work, dreading going back. I have the sneaking suspicion it may wind up getting me in trouble, but I've decided it's healthier to start standing up for myself more at work, so I can be in better shape when I go home. It's a very scary thing for me to stand up for myself, so I'm not sure if it really spells doom or not, but I fell pretty "doomful" already so to heck with it.

[Sannah]

How are you this morning WePow? When do you get to see your T again?

[WePow]

I don't get to see my T until next Tue. I am just taking things one hour at a time. I don't like to be in this state but there is no much I can do about it other than take one day at a time. oh well.