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#1
Jun 05, 2012, 12:28 AM
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I hate this freaking cutting urge. I've been struggling off and on for 12 years now and it never gets easier. I feel so much shame and stress over my coping mechanism. I always worry people will notice and question me. I try to only cut on the thigh now so I can hide it but I was in a bad way tonight, too much to drink, all alone, and feeling really triggered and I cut up my wrist. I hope no one notices. Why do I feel like such a lunatic for doing this to myself? I wish more people understood. I wish I didn't feel so alone and so weak. I wish I didn't feel like a failure who needs to be punished. I want so badly to find something that works for me, some way to make this need go away forever. I hate myself.
__________________
Bipolar Disorder I, PTSD, GAD When it is darkest, we can see the stars. –Ralph Waldo Emerson |
 Idiot17, pandarama123456789
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#2
Jun 05, 2012, 08:30 AM
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I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Once you are recovered, it really does get better. If you ever need anyone to talk to, please pm me anytime. I'm recovered but it took me ten years.
Hang in there. "I can't be myself and I don't want to talk. Now I'm taking the cure so I can be quiet whenever I want." |
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#3
Jun 05, 2012, 08:46 AM
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Do you have a therapist to work on this with?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#4
Jun 05, 2012, 04:11 PM
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Yes I have a T, she really thinks I have to get my PTSD under control in order to tackle the cutting. I need to try EMDR but I can't afford it right now.
I was doing OK and stopped self injuring for 6 years but early last year I had a miscarriage and my PTSD came back full force and I found out I have bipolar disorder so it has been a roller coaster. I'm dealing with an impending job loss due to the program closing down, having to move my family in with my inlaws 2 hours away, trying to find a new job, and trying to coordinate getting rid of things here and preparing and sending my husband there to deal with his pack rat parents and make space for us. So the stress levels are phenomenal. I hope things will get better and not having to pay rent and getting some help with our 2 year old will help with that. It's just the next several weeks of getting to that point. I really just needed to vent so thank you for listening. I will see my T on Thursday.
__________________
Bipolar Disorder I, PTSD, GAD When it is darkest, we can see the stars. –Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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