[lilly212]

I have severe OCD and recently its gotten to the level where once it's triggered I instantly get incredibly anxious and lose control of my head. Awhile ago, when this would happen I'd scratch my legs and upper-arm until they bled a bit... not really cutting deep, just scratching.... now I get so angry with myself that I've been bashing my hand into walls. The knuckles are so bruised and swollen and I can't bend two of my fingers very well... but every time it starts healing I find myself in a situation where I need to do it again. I have been super low lately... and I've found that I keep wanting to hurt myself... almost needing to. Right now I'm scared of cutting just because I don't want to get scars, that's why I'm just bruising myself. I tell myself hurting the inside of me is better because people can't notice as quickly and it won't change the way they look at me. But, I feel like if I had access to a sharp blade, I'd definitely do it though... and that scares me. I'm scared I'm gonna get worse. I really really really don't want to do it, but OCD takes complete control of my mind, what if this could to?

[whatbeanbelieved]

Hi Lilly..

I really hope you have a therapist or someone who is trained and aware who can help and support you through this. I'm wondering... Is there something specific that triggers these moments of wanting to hurt yourself? Is it guilt, are you punishing yourself?

I want you to know you're not alone in wanting to hurt yourself. How can we support you at this time?

Lots of hugs,
Bean

[lilly212]

Thanks for the reply Bean... Um... I think mainly the trigger is just the intense anxiety I get from my OCD.... and fighting with my parents. The OCD makes feel a need to do anything to distract myself and I think I hurt myself to do this...... because it takes my mind of the pain inside and gives me a different kind of pain to focus on.. does that make sense? And then when I get in fights with my family, I just get so mad and upset that I make things worse.... so basically its a distraction... and I'm sort of punishing myself because I hate the part of me which is OCD... which is all of me. I hate that I can't resist it. It makes me feel so weak