[RA1N130W]

I've been having the urges for about 3 weeks now. This has happened many times before, but I had been able to resist all but once in the past 2 years. Until now. It's done. They're not life-threatening or anything to be concerned about, but I am just so utterly disappointed in and disgusted with myself. But I finally have that emotional numbness that follows. It stopped my crying which had gone on for 2 hours and now I don't even remember why I was so upset to begin with. Aside from the general extreme stress that life is throwing at me at the moment; I don't know what specifically made it so overwhelming tonight.

I'm going to bed after posting this, so don't worry if I don't respond for a while. I just had to get that out and tell somebody. I just wanted to tell somebody that I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep fighting it.

[AngelWolf3]

I understand. (had similar happen to me Tuesday night) Hugs to you...today is a new day...hopefully you are in a different place today.

[Sannah]

Sounds like you rarely SI. That has been pretty good work! Hopefully you will be able to figure out what got you to SI this time. I also hope that you can lower your stress level.

[RA1N130W]

Thank you for the hugs and kind words.

I used to SI quite frequently for 8 years, then it became every few months, then I went almost 2 years, like I mentioned. I'm especially worried though because the last time was only 2 months ago. I don't want the frequency to increase. I still have the urge today, but it's not nearly as strong.

I'm not sure if I should tell my T or not though. Last time I saw him, I told him how I wanted to but hadn't and we discussed, among other things, the possibility of me going inpatient. The doc had just upped my meds the day before though so we agreed to give it some time to see if I'd feel better. I picked the date August 6th. If I'm not feeling safer by then, I'll go. But I'm seeing him July 31st. I can't (literally can't due to family obligations) be hospitalized before the 6th, so I'm pretty distressed over whether or not to tell him.

[AngelWolf3]

oh man. That's gotta be tough. I would feel that way about telling him too. Can you either schedule another appointment on the 6th, or maybe move the appointment on the 31st? That way you don't feel like you are keeping anything from him, and then if you aren't in the better place by the 6th, you could tell him then, rather than feeling distressed about telling him on the 31st.
(I don't know what your T schedule is like, though, so this may not even be a good suggestion.)

[RA1N130W]

It is a good idea, but I only see him every 2 weeks. I wish I could go more often than that but insurance only allows so many visits per year. With the way I've been feeling, I really don't want to wait an extra week to see him.

Whoa. This was a weird deja vu. Typing this out and having these thoughts. More than deja vu, I dreamed this, before I even knew this site existed. (Whether you believe in psychic ability or not, I have in fact had dreams that predicted events numerous times.) I can't tell him on the 31st, he'll make me go then. Plus, it's way worse to be forced to go IP than check yourself in. He seems to read me pretty well, so I'm not sure if I could get away with lying to him.
Hmm... Maybe it would be better idea to reschedule.