overwhelming urges again

nicoleb2 · Jul 19, 2012, 12:04 PM

My life is turning to chaos again and I want to cut, so much. Its been a couple weeks of milder urges, but now they're really bad again

SoupDragon · Jul 19, 2012, 12:07 PM

Sorry that things feel so tough at the moment - be gentle with yourself and keep safe, these urges will pass. Soup

Girl_Interrupted · Jul 19, 2012, 05:36 PM

Same with me. It's so hard to put it off, and it makes it worse that I've run out of room on my body, what the *****?

nicoleb2 · Jul 20, 2012, 12:58 AM

it's just all a mess. I want to cut in the worst kind of way. To just say fck it, I'm going to do it. i'm tired of life

Idiot17 · Jul 20, 2012, 01:19 PM

don't do it. please try to distract yourself with anything, just don't do it. in the long run you'll regret it. please keep safe.
what suddenly made you feel the need to?

nicoleb2 · Jul 20, 2012, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Idiot17

don't do it. please try to distract yourself with anything, just don't do it. in the long run you'll regret it. please keep safe.
what suddenly made you feel the need to?

I don't know what is driving the urge right now. Overwhelming depression. I was relatively ok for a while, but then all of a sudden, back to the deep dark depression...

puzzclar · Jul 21, 2012, 07:07 PM

I wish I knew what to say, besides, I'll listen if you need someone to vent to.

nicoleb2 · Jul 21, 2012, 10:44 PM

Texted with my t a bit tonight. That was NOT helpful. She wanted to know what emotion is under the anxiety i am feeling, and I don't know. I really tried to figure it out, I looked at the emotion names list she gave me, but nothing quite describes it, so now I am just that much more frustrated.
I want so badly to SI. I am trying not to though

nicoleb2 · Jul 23, 2012, 01:17 AM

Having a really hard time this morning. I can't sleep, and suicidal thoughts are getting more and more intense. I don't have any plans, but the thoughts are very intesne and scaring me

Idiot17 · Jul 23, 2012, 11:00 AM

hope your doing better, this morning. please keep safe. i know the feeling when all you can think about is suicide, did you tell your t that this is all you're thinking about? keep up the fact that you didn't si yet. please be careful.

Jul 23, 2012, 11:28 AM

Nicole, can you distract yourself somehow? Think of something that makes you happy! Try to ground yourself and remember you are here not in the past at whatever time is making you sad! Wish you didn't feel like this it's horrible

puzzclar · Jul 23, 2012, 09:09 PM

If you have made it this far you can do it again, focus on the minute, or second if you have to. You can make it through the next few minutes.

nicoleb2 · Jul 25, 2012, 11:11 PM

I managed yesterday without cutting. Today... well, I texted with my t for a while. She apparently has it figured out how awful I am feeling because right away, she asked if it had been at least 24 hours since I cut (based on the DBT rules... she can't talk to me if i've cut within 24 hours.... because I must be doing it for attention... yeah... the cuts only visible to me or my hubby are for attention).

Anyway, today is not going so well. My t wants me to focus on my body sensations and stuff, which is not helping, has never been something that would help, so yeah, I guess I won't be talking to her at all tomorrow....

I'm so tired of life. Tired of being treated like I only SI for attention because I have BPD. Tired of the screwed up way I am viewed because I have a stupid label.

nicoleb2 · Aug 02, 2012, 10:44 PM

Well, a week ago tomorrow, I ended up cutting deeper than i ever have, and came to the realization that I was going to take more drastic measures if I didn't get help, so I went into the hospital. They glued up my cut, and then I found out from another doctor that it really should have been stitched, but boy did it hurt when they were cleaning it to glue.
Anyway, I came home today and am in a much different place than i was then