Accused

Right off I'm going to appologize if this is a little weird. I've had a few drinks, but I really want to get this off my chest.

My husband flat out accused me of cutting today. I haven't actually cut in probably 6 years, but because I have all these injuries he thinks I have to be hurting myself. Nope, I'm not. I'm seriously just that clutzy. The offending injury to be dubbed my fault by him is just a scratch. A scratch that really did happen by accident. Yes I've thought about cuttting a LOT lately, but I haven't. Him accusing me though really upset me. It makes me want to cut more. I mean if he's thinks I am already, why not? I want to so bad. I've been so depressed lately and it makes everything better. At least for a little while.
Most of my self injury now is more ninja. I pick at scabs and I really don't think my husband knows it's an SI sort of thing. I can't stop. I need to because it's really bad for my self esteem. I hate myself and the picking is kind of like a physical expression for that hatred.
Anyways, tonight is the first time I've thought about popping pills in a LONG time. I've had a few drinks (actually a lot of drinks) so if I take a few pills to go with it, all of "it" will go away. My anger, sadness, emptiness, and axiety can just melt away. I just need to open the bottle, pour them out, and kick it bakc with the rest of my drink. Right?
No. I can't do it. I want to. I want it to end, which is somethign I haven't said in ages, but I'm stuck. I'm no longer selfish enough to give up. I can't leave my kids. They love me. Maybe not as much as my husband, but I can't abandonne (sp?) them. They need me.... someday.
It'll get better...someday.

Hello jadedrose325,

So you think that your husband doesn't really love you because he accuses you?

Don't cut yourself before having some supports here. Cutting will not resolve this.

Can you keep us posted if you are okay?

Is there something that discourage you besides of that?

I wish you the best!

I never said he did or did not love me.
He loves me, but I can't believe out of the blue he'd accuse me of cutting. I haven't cut for 6 years! Why today of all days does he think I'm suddenly relapsing?
I'm not going to cut myself. I promise, perseverance. I want to, which is the story of my life, but I won't.
I'm fine. My brain feels all swooshy from the alcohol and it's getting late enough I'll have to go to bed soon. Like I said, my kids are everything. Anything I do or do NOT do is for them. Their existance makes me think twice about everything.
Other than my kids, I really have nothing to discourage me. Unless you count my fear of disappointing people. I don't want my parents or husband disappointed that I couldn't just get over it. What's so bad about my life? Nothing. Most people would be eternally greatful for my life. I don't get why I'm such a baby about it.

I agree, that must not be fun to be accused of something that is not true.
To help you get through this, maybe you could take some time with your kids, play with them, etc.? Does that sound good to you?
Even if you are disappointing some people, the most important thing is to be proud of yourself, not the others being proud of yourself.

Hi Jade, you aren't cutting but you are picking. The picking, cutting, drinking are all addictions which are used to cope with your feelings and issues. Do you have a T?

You ask what's so bad about your life? You are having pain. This pain is from the past?

The pain used to be from the past. Nowadays I just hate myself, which normally I can get past. Lately though it's all I think about. I think about how much I hate myself and how much I want to cut. And I don't know what sparked any of this.

I am so sorry for what you are feeling right now! I don't have any advice, but I Totally Completely understand where you are coming from in this statement.

Hating yourself has seeds in the past. This is where it formed. When you think of yourself as a little girl, how do you feel about her?

Myself as a little girl was fat, ugly, lazy, unappreciative, and lonely. I've never had much self esteem and whatever I would think of myself as good at always some how disappeared. We never had money, but somehow my parents had money for the bars. At age 12 we moved away. Less bars for them, less friends for me. I got fatter, uglier, lazier, and majorly depressed. I remember the first time I ever thought about killing myself was at age 12. At 14 I finally made a few close friends. Lost my virginity at 14, raped at 15. Self esteem plummets again. I gained back the 25 lbs I lost plus another 10. Self esteem was pretty much nonexistant. I started cutting at 16 and soon tried to kill myself. I failed. The cutting got worse. I had one night stands with guys from the internet. Tried to kill myself again at 17. Quit cutting at 18. Started picking at 19 and haven't stopped.
I'm now 25, married, two kids, a steady job (the same one since I was 15) and I haven't cut AT ALL since 18. I haven't tried to kill myself AT ALL since 17.
It really hurt for him to accuse me when I've tried so hard to earn back everyone's trust and respect. I feel like I'm at square one again and I haven't done anything wrong.

That's my life in a nutshell, lol.

Do you still dislike that young girl? Can you tell him how much his accusations hurt you?