[gon3withth3wend]

I probably repeat myself, but does anyone feel like their scars make them feel even worse? I cut a lot September-November, but have been doing it a lot less. I was able to force myself to stop when I thought of upcoming events where I'd need to show my body.

I do not know how to deal with the scars I'm left with at all. So much so that thinking about my scars automatically leads to me thinking about suicide. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was maybe 11 years old but I've never really acted on them. I used to think about it every day, but I haven't thought about it on the daily since the summer. I just feel like I've ruined my body, I'm disgusting, I'll never be beautiful, nobody will ever want me, nobody will ever accept me, and I always fail and will continue to fail at all things in life. I think my confidence is lower now than it was before. I actually felt pretty most days before I started cutting. I'd never been bullied in my life. I cut because I couldn't deal with emotional pain in any other way. I used to lash out at other people, to the point where both of my parents have scars from where I've hurt them, and household belongings and car parts have been broken due to my emotional outbursts. I really just started to turn my frustration onto myself. Then it became cutting when I was frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed in myself... I guess that when I read about people that cut, they often do it because people bully them, or they feel ugly. I didn't have those problems, and I feel so unjustified. I still want to do it a lot, but I can't handle the aftermath. Since starting to cut less, I went through a heavy shopping phase where I'd buy things when I felt upset, but that resulted in lots of unnecessary purchases, losing my parents' trust, and getting my credit card (Yeah, I'm 17 and in HS still, but had a credit card) taken away. Now, I've just been eating. And my confidence has started to drop even more. I was never concerned about getting fat, and now I am, even though I weigh about 100 pounds. I eat all of my feelings, and it's the only way I feel real, or happy, or anything. I then feel terrible because I start to feel very fat. If I get on the scale and weigh more than 101 (which is often because I spend hours and hours eating,) I feel terrible, I feel an urge to cut, but I won't, and then I just eat more, and my day is ruined. I mostly eat on the weekends and at home, so I don't really eat during the day. This results in my weighing less during the week, and more on the weekends, and therefore my being very unhappy on the weekends. I've never thought of myself really having body image issues until now. I don't feel the same deep sadness I felt last school year, but I do feel like I just don't want to live anymore.

I also don't want to do anything anymore. I spent all of my Christmas break laying in bed and eating and crying. I don't enjoy my most defining hobby. I tried out for the school play but I'm not excited and don't actually want to do it. I quit most my other activities a couple months ago because I had no motivation to put in the effort.

I'm seeing my T every other week now. Actually, due to family conflicts, I won't be able to see her more than once this month. My dad wouldn't mind if I quit, and was actually annoyed when he found out I was still seeing her. (I tried to quit.) Based on what I've been able to share with her, I don't think she feels the need to see me much more often -- it's really my call how often I come in. And my parents don't really want to pay for me to go more often, even with insurance. I have a lot of problems that don't get brought up there, and it's just not going to happen. Even I wish that I could, but I feel like I've gone too far in the wrong direction there. Normally she drives conversation now. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure how big of a threat I really am to myself right now as far as hurting myself goes. I have some important family events coming up, and have been thinking to myself whether I want to kill myself before or after those events, but I think if anything, I'd lean towards later. It's just scary because before the thoughts were normal - all day every day, and now, they are more fleeting, and I feel more impulsive, like I'll think "I should to it tonight" versus last spring when I thought of a date months in advance. I don't think my thoughts should be taken that seriously now because I don't think I have the resources I'd need to be successful. I know that you probably won't kill yourself with household items or most meds. There are no sturdy high surfaces in my house, and I know because I've checked everywhere. So basically I'm stuck for a while unless I did a lot more thinking that I don't want to do. So I guess even though on one hand I feel really bad, there is no threat at all.

[Sannah]

Hi GWTW, SI, eating issues and shopping too much are all addictions. People need addictions to improve their mood. They need to improve their mood because they have so much pain inside.

I would suggest for you to talk to your T about all this and why it is that you are in pain. She also needs to know about your SU ideation. I read in your profile about your SA. Have you talked to your T about this?

What do you need from your parents? Sounds like they aren't good at setting boundaries and they aren't good at communicating with you?

Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing?

[Sam2]

Do you think your therapist would be of more help if you let her in on some of the things you are telling us? Therapy is not like medicine where you can take an x-ray or run a blood test. The therapist can't help you if you don't tell her what is going on.

Use the scars to remind yourself that you don't want to cut. You may always have them and may have to come up with some imaginative explainations, but ultimtely, they won't ruin your life. When you do get into a relationship, if the person really cares about you, they aren't going to care about some scars. There are plenty of people out there with severe burn scars or other visible abnormalities. That doesn't mean they spend their lives alone.

If opening all those doors at once to your therapist is too much, pick something that is really concerning you and touch on that. Make a list of things you think you would like to change, and prioritize them. You can do this.

Sam2

[Silent_Tears_17]

You can write your therapist a letter. even copy and paste what you wrote here. My scars make me ugly too and i keep getting fatter and fatter. and my parents arnt super supportive. its really hard but try to find healthy things to do instead of shopping or eating or cutting ect. You could run or walk or draw or something. But make sure to try to find BALANCE and moderation in anything you do. Good luck