A Question for Quitters

I quit cutting about...6 years ago. I've made a few cuts over the years, but nothing serious and never more than once a year, if even. Now I pick, but it took my brain a while to accept that as a form of SI. I stopped cutting because my then boyfriend (now husband) made me. He said he'd leave and I really hated the way he would look at me when I did. I don't know I'm people pleaser. I'm always doing things because other people tell me to and rarely because I want to do them. I hate making decisions for myself.

Anyways, I swear I'm getting to the point, lol.

One of my coworkers (who's sort of kind of a friend too) told me she started cutting. Just out of the blue. She said she wanted to tell me so I didn't hear it from someone else. Okay? I guess that makes sense, but I really couldn't deal with it. I stopped talking to her because I KNOW I can't handle trying to help someone I know (in person anyways) with something like that. It's too triggering. But since then she's told everyone about it and shows everyone at work her cuts. It just screams attention wh***. I don't know, but the messed up thing is that I'm extremely JEALOUS! I want to cut and just thinking about her makes me want to cut. All I can remember is how amazing it was. I can't remember any of the bad stuff. I'm still picking, but it's not the same and the scars are just gross. I miss my "real" scars....

Is this messed up or what?

I think what your going through is definitely normal, and you shouldn't have to second guess yourself. I think you staying away from her, because she is a trigger; should show you...you want to get better and continue to stay away from that harmful behavior...which is great. That was a decision you made, and a good one at that. You might want to look into DBT...because self-harm is a primary symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder...DBT will help to deal with intense emotions, and impulses.

According to this, I can tell that there is a part of you that doesn't want to cut. You seeking advice/help on here shows that, and you avoiding her shows that. But just kind of think that cutting does bring consequences and bad things.. Not good things. I would know.. Just try to stay as strong as possible, and don't cut. You'll be very proud of yourself later on if you don't.

I haven't cut in seven years and I like you get jealous when I see someone else get cut (although it's almost always been on accident). I just can't help but think, why can't that happen to me. I don't want to go back to doing it to myself so I'm always hoping for an accident. Why won't the knife slip when I'm cutting vegetables, why can't a glass break near my bare foot. I couldn't handle going to visit a friend for a long time since she had a pretty bad accidental cut (required stitches), I felt so much anger towards her because of the jealousy. I wish I could make this easier for you. I would suggest you tell her it's really triggering for you when she shows, and talks about, her cuts, and ask her to not do it around you. (((((hugs)))))

Sounds normal to me too.

Thank you guys sooo much. I'm glad to see some semblance of me is "noraml" lol