[HALLIEBETH87]

I see my pastoral counselor tomorrow. He knows about my si and that i was struggling recently. well something weird happened tonight. i was going through a little pouch in my purse looking for something and cut my finger. i forgot i had a razorblade in that pouch and had to hide it from my friends what happened. the thing is....its dangerous i keep it with me but I want to. I cant seem to take it out...what if I need it?? How will my counselor react if I tell him?

[mazing]

I don't know how your counsellor will react, but I would try to trust him with that information. Most good counsellors will help you to work through why you believe you need the razor there and ways that you can begin to manage without it there.

The fact that you forgot it was there is a great start - it means that you don't need it You have already shown that. I know how hard it can be needing that comfort there but you don't need it

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by catgoesmeow

I don't know how your counsellor will react, but I would try to trust him with that information. Most good counsellors will help you to work through why you believe you need the razor there and ways that you can begin to manage without it there.

The fact that you forgot it was there is a great start - it means that you don't need it You have already shown that. I know how hard it can be needing that comfort there but you don't need it

hes very good at pastoral counseling. ive only talked to him a few times and hes very good at pointing out things i didnt even notice i was talking about. im afraid to tell him but i suppose i might.

[mazing]

It's hard - I really know. But it can be extremely helpful too

Good luck

[HALLIEBETH87]

I saw my counselor today and we talked about a lot of different things. I did end up telling him about the razorblade being in my purse and how I cut my finger on accident. He said he knew people who have quit smoking who still carry cigarrettes with them. He asked what if a child gets it. I work with kids but I told him that I have it in a seperate pouch and my purse is locked up at work. I said no one gets in it. He said but you do and you cut yourself on accident. He said I should maybe wrap it up. I dont him maybe Id do that. He didnt seem to weird about it but I told him I was embarassed and regretted telling him already. He asked why I was embarassed and I said because its hard to explain and I feel weird about it. I just feel like I cant take it out because when I was so desperate before I used whatever I could find at work like a staple or thumbtack because its all I could find and wasnt satisfying enough. Im afraid if I feel like that again I wont have something and I will end up going and buying more things like I did this time. He asked me if I feel comfort having it and I said yes I do sometimes and others crazy.

Im surprised I told him but am a bit embarassed still. I told him how afraid I was that Id get caught somehow with it and be found out that I have been doing si off and on again this year. And I told him how I NEVER EVER want to be in a hospital again! We discussed why I was in them before (twice). I told him he has no idea how awful it was not having freedom and being watched 24/7. I explained how the first night last night I was freaking out and was scratching my arm and the lady caught me and sat by my bed with the light on staring at me ALL night long. Hes a preacher so he said he has visited people in psych hospitals before and has been behind the locks. I tried to tell him he has NO EARTHLY IDEA how it feels to be locked up and not have freedom. I feel like youre a goldfish in a bowl...you make a move and they see. You swim behind a rock and they follow you to see where you go. I remember being in a mood and going to my room one night in a hospital and the attendant followed me and was calling out to me in the bathroom to check on me. I hate it! I said Im never going back and he told me he hopes I never need to be in a hospital again. I told him I in fact do not think I needed to be then!

I get so freaked out thinking about it! I get scared and I told him so because I worry talking about it that someone will freak out and get me put away. He assured me that nothing will leave the office we talk about unless he felt I was in danger of taking my life or someone elses but he hasnt had a reason not to trust me. I told him Im not a danger to myself.

Besides you cant be put in a hospital for cutting. He asked if I was still not taking my medicine and I wasnt what I had been put on before when I saw him but I am taking seomthign else. So far so good.

I AM NEVER GOING BACK TO A HOSPITAL AND ABSOLUTELY NO ONE CAN MAKE ME EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[krisakira]

He cannot convince you to give the razor blade up. You have to come to that yourself, otherwise you would just be replacing it. I would never give my x-acto knife up. Even the whole year I went without cutting. And I wouldn't worry about being "locked up" again. He has reassured you that he won't tell anyone. And you are right, even if he did, they can't hospitalize you unless you feel like you are in danger of suicide or homicide. I have been hospitalized 7 times, so I understand, too. To quit cutting, if that is what you want to do, it doesn't just mean getting rid of sharp objects. If you truly wanted to hurt yourself, you would find a way to do it. He really has no right telling you what you should keep or throw away.

[mazing]

It sounds like you have a really good counsellor

You should be proud of yourself for trusting in him You have done really well.

I can also understand your feelings about hospitalisation - it definitely is not a nice place to be, but it seems your counsellor has a good idea about risk and won't force you into anything you are not comfortable with unless absolutely necessary and you are at significant risk of harm.