[LILITH]

One of my bad memories surfaced....... My stepfatther who had raped me over and over...... got me pregnant when I was just 16........ I had to take care of it.... I hated him with all of my being..... I could not bear to have his child.... it would have been damaged ..... I was just begining my life..... So last night I needed to feel something I was so numb and unfeeling ...... I hurt myself not to bad just enough to feel something...... I then soaked in alcohol to continue the feeling...... I will have to tell T tomorrow I broke the contract of not Self Injury........Altheia

[Rapunzel]

I'm trying to think of something to say that would help you, and nothing seems adequate. I hope your T helps you deal with that memory.

Sad that that happened to you.
Rap

[Lexicon78]

LILITH, flashbacks have a way of really bringing us down. I have a lot of information on how to combat these memories. If you would like, I could send the info to you for safe keeping.

I'm sorry that he hurt you so badly. I wish I could do/say something to take away the pain, but I know in order to heal we must feel the pain.

Altheia
I am so sorry your stepdad hurt you so deeply. I am glad you have found your way to safety now, and hope you find some confort and healing.

hang in there Lilith. I too am in what I call a memory recall cycle - flashbacks and nightmares. Even though I know that dreaming/nightmaree and flashbacks is the brains normal memory and storage process for tramatic memories it is a major pain physically and mentally. The one thing that keeps me going is that once I remember the complete memory the flashbacks fade and I no longer act out that piece of memory when triggered into dissociating.

I can't remember if you are DID or not but if so - think of it this way

you now know the content of a memory. horrible as knowing what the memory content is there is a positive side to it -

you will no longer be acting that piece of memory out unconsciously. And You can now use grounding and relaxation techniques to control your behavior and PTSD symptoms when you get upset by anything in the present that reminds you of this past memory.

The things I do when experiencing a flashback are many -

take a bath
take a walk
go for a bike ride
write
draw
squish and mold play dough and other types of modeling clay
paint
make a collage
Diarama's
play on line games
play my game boy advance games
clean the house
call my therapist if things get more than I can handle
Email and or pm friends

the list goes on.

hang in there

Ive gone through many flashback cycles and can tell you it does get better.