[greyclouds]

I started group therapy today.
It's called skills for life!! Meaning that they are going to try help us deal with emotions in a "correct" manor!!!

I've been really struggling not to si the past few days. I can so far say I have not.
Go me!! But I am exhausted..
It's was nice to meet people face to face and no that I truely am not the only one.

I'm fairly confident. When I 1st got into group I could barely say my name as I felt like I wanted to burst into tears, why? No clue.
I came away feeling I guess okay open minded if you like.
I not sure if this group will help but I know I have to try.

Never the less, my head is fuzzy and I can't stop thinking of my trusted so called friend.
The feelings in my soul feel well I'm not sure calm maybe. It's I'm my yummy.
But my head is confused,
I guess I just writing in here cos I'm biding time trying to distract myself.
I having being carrying around my friend like a teddy bear since Sunday but with out cuddling it,
I hope I can stay strong and not give in.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by greyclouds

I started group therapy today.
It's called skills for life!! Meaning that they are going to try help us deal with emotions in a "correct" manor!!!

I've been really struggling not to si the past few days. I can so far say I have not.
Go me!! But I am exhausted..
It's was nice to meet people face to face and no that I truely am not the only one.

I'm fairly confident. When I 1st got into group I could barely say my name as I felt like I wanted to burst into tears, why? No clue.
I came away feeling I guess okay open minded if you like.
I not sure if this group will help but I know I have to try.

Never the less, my head is fuzzy and I can't stop thinking of my trusted so called friend.
The feelings in my soul feel well I'm not sure calm maybe. It's I'm my yummy.
But my head is confused,
I guess I just writing in here cos I'm biding time trying to distract myself.
I having being carrying around my friend like a teddy bear since Sunday but with out cuddling it,
I hope I can stay strong and not give in.

greyclouds,
you should be very proud of yourself for having the courage to begin the process of healing. Many never get that far. Perhaps the tears are those of relief. The guilt and shame that go along with SI are heavy burdens, and you have found others that know exactly how you feel. There will be waves of fear, relief, and sometimes wishing that you had not come forward. Understand that they are all part of the healing process, and as odd as it sounds, a kind of grief at having to let go of a coping mechanism that you had gotten used to, but that no longer works.

No one deserves to be tortured, either physically or emotionally. You obviously have an inner strength and are a sensitive person. Those are good things. Hang onto them, and when things get bad, the forum is here with you as is your new group.

Sam2

[greyclouds]

I'm sorry Sam your question you asked me. The other day failed me tonight.

I'm so sorry I just so exhausted I couldn't hold out any longer.

I shared your question today In group and I hope others find the strength you gave me.
I made it since Sunday till now so I still thank you.
I will keep fighting but tonight I was to weak

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by greyclouds

I'm sorry Sam your question you asked me. The other day failed me tonight.

I'm so sorry I just so exhausted I couldn't hold out any longer.

I shared your question today In group and I hope others find the strength you gave me.
I made it since Sunday till now so I still thank you.
I will keep fighting but tonight I was to weak

greyclouds,
there is no need to be sorry. I would be surprised if you were able to stop completely overnight. That sort of thing is rare, and personally, I would consider it a miracle. I just hope you didn't hurt yourself too badly.

There are usually only seconds to minutes between the thought and the action, both with suicide and si. Often times there is no warning. If there is, you have to learn what that warning is, even if it is subtle.

When my own si was at its worst, my warning would be something as simple as my eyes locking on something sharp for a moment. Before I finally gained control over the problem, it had become life threatening. I don't like to talk about that time in life, which was not so long ago, but I will share a spree of si I went on with you, not to scare you exactly, but to let you know how quickly things can get out of hand.

That whole year, things had been getting bad. I felt trapped in a depression I couldn't shake. Had taken on too many responsibilities for a "normal" person, let alone one who was already depressed and physically painful. The first incident occured out of the blue. i'd finished dressing after a shower and was sitting on the closed toilet just thinking, and realized that I had a blade in my pocket. I lifted my pant leg and stretched my leg out in front of me. Opened the blade, held it about three feet above my calf, turned my head and let my arm fall, blade open, on my leg. There was a deep, powerful sting, then warmth. When i looked back, i saw skin, fat and muscle laid open along a four inch long incision. I could see transected vessels sticking out of the wound. There was a mix of dark, purple blood and bright red blood pouring out of the wound down my leg, puddling on the floor. The toilet was about three and ahalf feet from the door, and as i watched, the puddle became a river that reached the door, collecting there and running underneath it. Had a friend not seen it, I would have sat there, numbly watching myself bleed to death. Every day for the next three days, the incident repeated itself, though not as badly. To this day, I have deep furrows in both calves, four in all, each with a numb area around it. Even with proper care, i could have lost either leg to dimishled circulation, or died from blood clots secondary to lower leg lacerations. No hesitation marks, no preplanning. I never felt fear and after the innitial sting, any pain.

The point is, you don't have to be attempting suicide to kill yourself with si. Any relief you may feel is fleeting, but the scars and secondary damage can be for life. Your life is worth more than that. Nothing you have done or could do deserves that sort of punishment. Keep working towards your goal of freedom from si. You may make mistakese, have setbacks, but that doesn't mean you are weak or worthless. If you feel an episode coming on, tell someone, either where you are, group, or on the forum. Keep talking or writing until the feeling passes. Everytime you can beat back the feeling, you will get stronger. You can do this.

Sam2

[greyclouds]

Thank you for sharing with your story with me (( hugs))
I'm glad your friend found you.

I felt like I should say sorry because your support had got me through the days leading up to the situation.

You helped me to be strong and I thank you for that

[Sannah]

I'm glad the group went okay for you.