[kitsune_girl]

First of all, I'm new to this site. Nice to meet you! I don't know where else to let this out other than on here.

Well I've had problems with socializing with people for seven years now. Ever since 6th grade. I'm a freshman in college now. At first I didn't see it as that big of a deal, but during my junior year of high school it was so bad that I didn't have ANY friends. I was so desperate that I was overly nice to people and let them use me. I was just desperate for friends. After they dropped me, thoughts of self harm would come to mind. I would think of myself as worthless and having no meaning in the world other than letting others use me.

Senior year I made a good friend. Long story short, she betrayed me. It really crushed me because she was the one person who I could be myself with. Right before she left I found out she was racist and used me for taking her places because I was the only friend she felt comfortable with asking. After than incident suicidal thoughts flooded my mind. For about a month I would sleep all day long so I wouldn't have to think about it. I lost about 12 pounds too.

It's gotten even worse since I've started college. It was actually going well at first. I talked to people and thought I had made friends.. I don't know what happened, but after that first week, no one was talking to me and I wasn't talking to anyone. It was back to how it used to be. I tried to stay positive and joined a club that had something to do with something I'm very passionate about. Even there I couldn't talk to people. I just sat by myself while everyone else was socializing. I wanted to join the conversations so badly, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Now whenever I talk to people, I start sweating bullets and my speech becomes really slurred. The other day we had to do a presentation for one of my classes and I was so scared that I skipped out and just took a zero. In fact, the last time I had to present in front of a class I blacked out.

My parents don't think this is really that big of a deal and tell me I'll get over it, but it's been seven years. I'm tired of being socially awkward and want help and friends. I'm so lonely that I make up imaginary friends to keep me company. It's getting ridiculous. I'm tired of having these suicidal thoughts and thinking of myself as worthless.

[puzzclar]

It is hard to let people in especially when suicidal thoughts or self harm thoughts come to mind. It seems like your parents don't really know how bad it's getting.

If I was in your shoes I would for sure find someone to talk to, a counselor or just someone that can help you with what your feeling. For now, start talking on here. But for now, looking up ways to keep calm, ie breathing exercises, meditation, exercise. really anything that could help you when suicidal thoughts come up.

[Sannah]

Hi kgirl, welcome to PC . Six grade is when you started middle school? Starting middle school is a hard transition. You are going through puberty and the school is so different from elementary school. It is a time when you can get on a difficult path.

Does your university have a counseling program? I will support you here.

When you interact, other people take their cues from you. If you feel insecure and not confident, this is the message that other people will take in. It is okay to be awkward. If you watch other people you will see this happening and also see that they have accepted that it is okay. I'm an introvert and I always look for the person who is by themselves. I don't like large groups. If you like yourself, others will like you too (not everyone, but some people will, because it is impossible to get everyone to like you no matter who you are). You can gradually build confidence.

Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing?

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by kitsune_girl

First of all, I'm new to this site. Nice to meet you! I don't know where else to let this out other than on here.

Well I've had problems with socializing with people for seven years now. Ever since 6th grade. I'm a freshman in college now. At first I didn't see it as that big of a deal, but during my junior year of high school it was so bad that I didn't have ANY friends. I was so desperate that I was overly nice to people and let them use me. I was just desperate for friends. After they dropped me, thoughts of self harm would come to mind. I would think of myself as worthless and having no meaning in the world other than letting others use me.

Senior year I made a good friend. Long story short, she betrayed me. It really crushed me because she was the one person who I could be myself with. Right before she left I found out she was racist and used me for taking her places because I was the only friend she felt comfortable with asking. After than incident suicidal thoughts flooded my mind. For about a month I would sleep all day long so I wouldn't have to think about it. I lost about 12 pounds too.

It's gotten even worse since I've started college. It was actually going well at first. I talked to people and thought I had made friends.. I don't know what happened, but after that first week, no one was talking to me and I wasn't talking to anyone. It was back to how it used to be. I tried to stay positive and joined a club that had something to do with something I'm very passionate about. Even there I couldn't talk to people. I just sat by myself while everyone else was socializing. I wanted to join the conversations so badly, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Now whenever I talk to people, I start sweating bullets and my speech becomes really slurred. The other day we had to do a presentation for one of my classes and I was so scared that I skipped out and just took a zero. In fact, the last time I had to present in front of a class I blacked out.

My parents don't think this is really that big of a deal and tell me I'll get over it, but it's been seven years. I'm tired of being socially awkward and want help and friends. I'm so lonely that I make up imaginary friends to keep me company. It's getting ridiculous. I'm tired of having these suicidal thoughts and thinking of myself as worthless.

Sometimes parents have blinders on when it comes to their kids. i was a lot like you starting in the fifth grade, and my parents never noticed. It doesn't just go away on its own. There are a lot of different reasons why people isolate themselves and can't make friends, but left alone, those feelings just seem to magnify. I'm forty nine and really only have one friend. I know how people should act, and in a professional setting do well with one or two people, but not with crowds. I don't trust people, shy away from other people trying to befriend me, and can't attend social functions of any kind. I'd hate for you to end up that way. Do something about it now. Its only going to get harder as you get older. It doesn't have to be that way. You express the desire to have contact with people. That is a start. Please seek out help so that you can live a happier, more satisfying life.

Sam2

[krosis]

This is so similar to what I am going through/went through. I had friends in middle school that ditched me when we got to high school, I didn't have any friends for awhile, became best friends with a girl who ditched me when we went to different colleges, I made some friends my first semester in college, they ditched me next semester when we didn't have any classes together, and now I'm back to no friends. So I definitely understand the feeling of worthlessness and feeling like you don't really belong anywhere, and being sick of those kinds of feelings. I'm also having trouble socializing and making friends because I've had so many leave me before.

Anyway, advice. One of the things that kept me from totally descending into the worst place I could fall to was a pen pal. I had a friend that moved halfway through high school and we decided to keep in touch using letters. We are similar in a lot of ways, so we understood each other well. Knowing that there was someone out there that I could talk to, even if it was delayed by a few days due to post, was a great help. I'm also better at expressing myself through writing than talking which is what really draws me to write a letter instead of skyping or something. It seems like you have problems with face to face stuff (I do too) and I think that getting a pen pal would be a great way to socialize without a lot of the social pressures. And it doesn't have to be snail mail (it just feels more satisfying to me), you could email, IM, skype, talk to people on here, etc. It's kind of a long way from randomly meeting people and becoming friends, but it sounds to me like you need to build up some trust with a person or two before you can be fairly social in a wider group setting.

[Silent_Tears_17]

Hi. Im a freshman in college too. Its hard, I know. I didnt want to socalize so I took 21 credits of classes instead. What school do you go to? I go to UMASS. They have a great counseling center here and it was so helpful. They also have group therapy which means you would be in a social situation that was full of people who also have struggles and are caring. Plus, a couselor or two there to moderate. They can also talk to your professors. This may be really helpful for your grades. They can work with disability services to get you excused from presentations.

Parents can be really hard. And as much as they may try they can really make things worse. Believe me, I know. But family counselor is another option that might help. I hope one of these ideas is helpful to you. Good luck and PM me if you ever want to talk

Silent_Tears_17