i don't

i don't SI

i have 2, maybe 3 times

over 2 years ago

keys n razor blades

blades when i was too chicken to slash my wrists

yet the other night

i got so hysterically upset and angry i got some scissors, i have cuts over my legs and down one arm and bruises too

i have been taking celexa and that night i drank a lot of wine

i cant believe i did it and hate myself for it SI is not my thing (tho i understand it a bit) and i wear reasonably hot clothes and bikinis so i cant let anyone see this

ARRRRGHHHH i know i am pretty lame compared to some of u but i NEVER want to do this again ... how do i make sure of that ...

Keep in mind it's nothing something you want people to see - as you said. I found one of my biggest motivations for NOT SIing was to realize it's a fairly permanent thing, people see it, and to me it was just so horrible to see. It was a constant reminder of something I didn't want to remember.

If you have T, talk to him/her about it.

Honestly, I'd suggest the "coping strategies", but those don't always work.

Maybe avoid alcohol? You said you'd been drinking, and I've always found drinking definitely intensifies feelings.

Post deleted by Rapunzel

ummm, hope it's ok for me to reply!!!
I am someone who has SIed for over 10yrs, and I am also someone who is totally embarrassed by and ashamed of my scars (of which I have MANY, all over my body). For the times that I manage not to SI, my main motivation is the scars that are caused. Any form of distraction is good, from wandering round the house to going out for a walk to coming here to PC to journalling- I find the stickys on this forum really helpful. Sorry to hear things are so hard for you at the mo . Hope you TC and that things can get better for you really quickly
xxx irish

I agree that alcohol will make things worse, especially when you're upset.

I'm sorry that you cut yourself and I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive yourself. That's one of the hardest things to do when we hurt ourselves. I think that we need to say to ourselves "I cut but it's ok because I'm still here." If we don't do this then it will become easier and easier for us to do it again.

thank you irish and lex ...

it is quite uncharacteristic for me which is why it's freakin me out ... trying to not drink unless with friends is prolly good? i usually have a wine after work ... but lately if i' ve been upset i might have two or three (not good).

do you think it might be meds making it worse or perhaps combo of meds and alcohol??

any thoughts appreciated xx

oooh, sorry to hear this DSF.
I'd attribute this 100% to the wine, as alcohol can stir up behavior patterns from the past.
Some anti-dep coexist with alcohol but Celexa is not one, as far as I know from experience.
Perhaps remove those scissors, etc. from the house in the meantime.

i agree that its probably the alcohol....alcohol let's stuff out that isn't necessarily a good thing. part of you may have wanted to and alcohol makes it easier to do stuff like ethat

thank you for listening

it just feels weird ... and looks icky ... and freaks me out that i am capable of that.