[smmath]

i almost snapped and cut my arm with my new razor, but decided to cut on my ribs instead. once i si on my arms is when i'll make myself tell someone. but that will never happen. i can't afford to tell anyone besides my former teacher, and i can't talk to him until the end of the semester or he'll think i'm clingy an weak. there is no way i am going to do anything to lessen me in his eyes... he means too much to me. but part of me wants to do it really bad to have an excuse to see/email him. he teaches at my old middle school, which is in the same building(mostly) as my high school. then if i do it on my arms and bad enough then he could see it and feel sympathetic and maybe decide to hug me... which is what i have been wanting to happen ever since the end of last year. but he is really understanding about my cutting. he's known ever since i started.... but i digress. anyway, it's just so weird to be cutting and no one knows an everyone thinks i am perfectly fine. none of my behavior at home or school would suggest that i am dealing with anything like this... which is a good thing. i know i should talk to someone but no way in hell will i give anyone at my hs a reason to think that i have mental issues or that i cut. in middle school, people knew i did it and teachers knew, but freshman year is a clean start no one now knows and no one will know because i am almost a new person and i don't need to give anyone ammunition to think anything bad about me. so i shall keep my mouth SHUT!

thanks for listening to my loquaciously written thoughts (i used that word right, right? :-)

--Sam

[Sannah]

Sam, I can understand how you want people to have a "good" impression of you but the bottom line is that you are still suffering and you need help.

[Sam2]

I don't think your old teacher will think anything less of you if you tell him. It takes courage to find someone and tell them.

It sounds like you may have a bit of a crush on him, and that may be a problem. Sadly, an adult male has to be very careful about dealing with underage girls. Even if your teacher wanted to hug you to give you support, he probably couldn't. At least not with getting into trouble.

It no longer matters if an adult male is patting your back, hugging you or even spending time with you outside of class talking. The appearance of being inappropriate is something that every adult male has to worry about. It doesn't matter that you wouldn't report him. If you really care about him, don't put him in the position where he has to avoid you. Teachers have been fired over rumors of inappropriate contact with a female student. In most cases, there is nothing going on, but its still a problem.

There is nothing wrong with you telling him about the fact that you are cutting, but then ask him if he will direct you to someone who can help you to stop. I know what I told you probably hurts, but that is just the way society is now.

Sam2

[smmath]

to be honest... and know what denial is and i am not there... but i really don't think i have a crush on him. it's more of a loving'ish a mentor or something like that. i do not have any romantic feelings for him or "he is really cute" stuff. i think because of the care and support he's given me that in my mind feels like love, it makes me feel attached and feel like i love him.

Sam2 thanks for your honesty, i know i needed that and i really should look for that caring hug/touch somewhere else and tell someone ELSE who's not him about the cutting. i know what you said is true and it does hurt but i know you're right. i needed to hear that. so thanks.

--Sam

[adam_k]

It can be difficult to hide your SI. I wouldn't tell your class mates as that could be spread around and suddenly your the crazy emo girl, but what about your parents? Would they help you out or criticize you? For me self injury was a coping mechanism. A way to dull all the emotions I was feeling. I don't think it worked, it ultimately made me deal with more stuff, and now I have hundreds of scars. Thankfully they are on parts of my body that aren't normally visible, and I don't get looks from people.

I found a therapist to talk to when I was 18. She was helpful and taught me how to figure myself out and face what is bothering me. Do you think your parents would help you get into therapy to find better ways to cope?

I'm glad you have someone supportive in your life, your teacher friend sounds like he is there for you. I'm worried that he may not be able to help you. He can give you support and people find strength in that, but I think stopping self injury takes work, to look at oneself and evaluate how you handle emotions and react to situation and then make healthier decisions.

I don't mean to discourage you or make you feel bad. It is just something I struggled with for a while and how I got better. Therapy helped some, I worked on it, and I meet someone that I didn't want to hurt, by hurting myself. I hope things work out for you and be safe.

[smmath]

thanks Adam. i really appreciate your input, especially after giving you bad advice.... i
i can not tell my parents. they think i stopped a year ago. i used to do it on my arms and now i do it on my stomach, ribs, and back. i got smarter. i know that if things get too bad i can talk to the HS counselor... but until then i can't afford to miss class. anyway, telling anyone even my best friend will never happen. her mom is a teacher and my friend would tell her, then her mom would tell my mom.

i also agree that my teacher can't help me with the si. he even told me he was just there for me to vent about it and not really be there to give me advice on how to stop. but i am not even ready to stop...

thanks ya'll for your caring input! :-)

--Sam

[adam_k]

I don't think you have ever given me bad advice.

Be safe and know there is help out there when you are ready.