[agma]

My H and I have been trying to get pregnant for a few years. We went to an infertility doc, and they did a bunch of tests. All the tests came back normal, so they can't really say why we are having trouble getting pregnant. After 6 failed inseminations, H and I decided to try IVF. A few days before I went in for a blood test to find out if I was pregnant, I took a home pregnancy test, and it was positive. When I went in for the blood test, they said I most likely had a miscarriage because my hormone level was so low, and then this past Monday, they confirmed the early miscarriage with another blood test. I cryed for hours after getting that call and wanted to cut so bad, but I was able to resist the urge. Then I was ok for a couple days. H and I talked and we decided we are going to try IVF again. Then yesterday I started feeling really depressed again. Today has been awful. I'm irritable and depressed and can't stop thinking about the miscarriage. I just don't know what to do with these feelings. I want to SI so bad to make the emotions go away. I can't stand it any more. I just can't stop thinking about it. It isn't fair. Teens and women who don't want to have kids get pregnant, and I can't. All I've wanted my whole life was to be a mommy. I have always loved kids. I started babysitting when I was 12. For the past 3-4 years, I have worked one on one with kids with special needs in their home and community as well as respite in my home. I actually have to leave soon to pick up a child. I love working with the kids that I do, but it is really hard right now seeing them and holding and hugging them and wondering if I will ever get a chance to hug and hold my own child.

[Silent_Tears_17]

I am so sorry. Lots of hugs.

[Dreamer11]

I'm terribly sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better. You sound like a wonderful, devoted person. I'm sure those kids are blessed to have you in their lives.

[healed84]

I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage, I know the pain of miscarriage when the desire for baby is so strong. ((hugs)) to you. Please keep resisting the urge to SI.. keep talking ot your H about your feelings and coming her to pc. Miscarriage is hard and you don't have to go through it alone.

[Bipolar mom]

I am so sorry, stay strong.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by agma

I just don't know what to do with these feelings. I want to SI so bad to make the emotions go away.

Your reaction to the miscarriage is pretty normal. I'm sorry that this happened . You are going to need to grieve this. If you allow the feelings to come they will pass. Getting as much support as you can and talking about it can help. I will listen here if you want to talk more.

I agree that you are such a blessing to these children that you are helping.

[Switch]

I'm so sorry I wish I had the words to make you feel better. Keep staying strong, and talk to H.

[agma]

Thanks for all the replies. H and I started talking about adoption, so now I'm really not sure what I want to do. The IVF is really expensive, and I've used all of my insurance. We do have enough in savings that we could pay for it, but there is no guarantee that it is going to work. I would feel bad if we spent that much money and not get pregnant, or miscarry again. I'm torn though because I would really like to experience a pregnancy and having my own biological child. If I knew that the IVF would be successful, then I would do it, but I don't know if I could handle the grief of another possible miscarriage or the disappointment if the IVF didn't work at all. If we do adopt, we would do it through foster care. Thinking of all the kids in foster care that want and need to be adopted breaks my heart. I know I could provide them. We would look at adopting a sibling group, and we are ok with kids with disabilities, as long as they can walk, since our house is not set up for a wheel chair. I just wish I knew what to do. This uncertanty is really stressing me out.

[avlady]

this is commendable of you to want to take foster kids, and i'm sorry for your lost miscarriage, i had 1 and it was so sad.i was 25 years old, now i'm 52, have one son who is 22 now. maybe you can get pregnant again naturally, you never know!!!

[GirlOfManyFaces]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I understand how heart breaking it is to hear that news. I cried for weeks when I found out my little sister didn't make it. I couldn't even eat. I still cry on that day every year... But even though she didn't make it, my mother works with little children now and I babysit. It's not the same but it's God's way of giving us what we needed to cope.

I KNOW you will have a child of your own. With all that love you have for children, I know God will give you a child. It may not be now. But you will have a baby to hold and love.

Stay strong and God bless...

GirlOfManyFaces